Oh Bristol, how I've missed you.

Bristol was everything I was hoping for, my solace and my calm.  How is it that a place, a simple city can just inject me with life and make me feel so... so... so. . . renewed.   How I've missed it.  And the people and the shops and all those other familiar things that I hold so dear about it.  As soon as I started seeing some of the old familiar places on the train, I couldn't hide my grin.  It's reminded me like never before, I will most likely end up in Bristol, I gravitate towards that place and no where else makes me feel so at home and so complete.

And what did I do in Bristol?  I saw Mary, but unfortunately no one else, since people were working or away.   And I went shopping.  Lots of shopping... dangerous shopping.  Mostly things I've been putting off for a while, like some new clothes for work.  And then some purely special treats.  Like a new camera, an idea that I've been toying with for about a year.  And something truely indulgent, to symbolise my achievements.  I wanted something special and enduring.  And hey, just because I don't have someone in my life to buy it for me, why can't I buy my own little bit of very special jewellry:

I love my little bit of bling.  Perhaps a bit silly and dreadfully materialistic of me to be buying diamonds and saphires, but I don't care.  I love it, and it really is a special symbol of what I've acheived to get here and how long and hard I've been working to get to this point in my life. (the truely indulgent part is when I go back next month or whenever I get round to it and buy the matching earings!!)

But most imporantly, this weekend was all about relaxing and unwinding after a really hectic two weeks, and I've certainly managed to do that.

On being blessed

On being blessed! 

I'm composing this on the train to bristol, in a desperate need to escape all things yeovil and work. I had this overwhelming need to escape, there's no two ways about it, I've been exhausted this week and it's been rather crappy at times. Working 12 days in a row, and such long intense hours where I frequently go 12 hours without eating or drinking (turns out being a junior doctor isn't exactly healthy!) is incredibly draining. And that's before you even add in the stress of really sick patients, stupid workload and tense working relationships. So I needed badly to unwind and be cheered up.   It's really felt like too much at times this week. And we've had medical students around this week (and oh, how I remember being them, it really wasn't that long ago!) and several of them have asked if I'm enjoying the job. What do I honestly say? I can't destroy their hope in their first week of the year! But I don't want to exactly be sugar coating it either. And it's also given me pause to think about what I really do think the answer is. Do I enjoy my job? I enjoy the patients, who I faithfully say goodnight to every night when I go home and who so brightly greet me the next morning. They care about me, and when they see me looking stressed or upset, they mother me or take great concern and always ask later if my day has improved. I love the man who had a stroke and cant find his words, but he deliberately catches my attention then winks at me and wanted my attention for no other reason than to put a smile on my face.  I love how I get to touch their lives in such a positive way. However, I don't like it when I'm been pressured from all corners to do this and that. Everyone has their own agenda, and of course, their's take priority over all the others! It gets tiresome and the stressful and then sends me running to the toilet knowing full well I don't actually need to pee because I've not drunk anything in hours, but it's a quiet place where I can spend five minutes, gazing out of the window in silence!  I don't enjoy the stressful working relationship I have with my SHO which has finally come to a head and we've talked and things are better, but probably still fragile.  I love the fact that I'm learning even when I don't think I am.  I get asked something or do something and suddenly I realise that I actually have picked up a lot in the chaos. And I've always said that it's one of the things that really attracted me to the job, constant learning.  So, do I enjoy my job? I don't think I can honestly say that I can, but I don't hate it either, so maybe that's okay for now.

But on my crazy attempt to escape Yeovil, I've also come to realise that I am incredibly blessed. Several things have reminded me if this fact.  Firstly the gift bag waiting for me on the ward, from my favourite patient (don't care if it's incorrect to have favourites, I really couldn't help it with this woman!) who I had finally been able to discharge earlier this week. It was addressed to me and no one else, and contained a box of chocs and a thank you card, sent with love. I came so close to crying. I was so incredibly touched and it made me think that I must be doing something right somewhere along the line.  

Secondly, my amazing friends who are always thinking of me and supporting me even when I haven't specifically asked for it and at times I don't even realise it. Is there a greater blessing in one's life than wonderful friends who just accept you and love you? So thanks to them.

Thirdly, at the train station this morning, I was drawn to the little cafe window on the platform by the smell of bacon cooking (oh why oh why is that smell so irrisitable!) and I asked if they take cards, no. Where was the nearest cash machine? Too far if I was going to catch my train.  Random stranger who clearly overheard this conversation fished out her purse and insisted on buying me a coffee, saying that sometimes a girls just gotta have her coffee.  I was so touched and speechless, although I didn't have the heart to tell her it was actually a bacon roll that i was after. I just stood there luxuriating in that cup of coffee, which has so totally made my day.

And then there's this train journey. There's a certain symmetry to it, following on from that journey I made, what was it, six weeks ago, when I was filled with anticipation, curiosity and a fair dose of anxiety.  I've survived! I've had some amazing experiences, meet some lovely people, made new friends, seen new things and I'm so incredibly blessed to be doing that which I've wanted to do for so long.  How lucky am I? I have an amazing job, which makes a difference. I'm fairly secure in my employment. I'm quite well payed. I'm healthy (there's really no place that makes the fact more apparent or makes you more grateful for your health than a hospital).  I get to go out for dinner and enjoy good company with the people who understand what I'm going through.  The high levels of stress at work aside, I'm so incredibly blessed and lucky.  Life is really tough at the moment if I look at the individual instance, but when I step back and look at the whole, well it's not too shabby at all!

(p.s. Sorry for the typos, joys of iPhone technology on a train I'm afraid!)