The next round of "the day before..."

The countdown is most certainly on now.  The first written exam is tomorrow.  And it feels like it isn't really happening to me.  At this point with the long case a couple of weeks ago, I was certainly feeling it.  But now, just... numb...  Yup, I think numb sums it up best.  I feel suspended in this state of ... I don't know how to describe it.  It's strange... I just hope it ends soon, and I can get back to feeling like me.

There has been this huge danger all along, and I've really tried hard to fight it, of being complacent, I passed all the other exams last year really comfortably.  I've really been struggling against the feeling that I don't really need to work for it.  I have managed to work, but I still feel so guilty that I haven't worked as hard as I did last year.  But I had this sudden thought this evening (yup, it was something that only just struck me!), I'm not starting in the same place as I was last year.  I'm not back to the beginning, so maybe I shouldn't be beating myself up too much.  Arrrgh, it's such a difficult thing to strike a balance on.  I don't think I'll ever be able to work it so that I'm happy.  But time will tell...

Anyhows, should probably get back to some last minute cramming!  But before I do, my most recent projects.  A sweater for Connor, that was going to be for his birthday, but that seems so far away, so it'll be just because!  Just need to block it and get some buttons.  And then a little bit of spinning, finishing off the silk hankies.  I soaked it in order to set the twist, and well, it stank like crazy.  A really strong fishy odour.  It's hanging outside to dry, but I'm torn between bringing it in in case it rains, and it stinking out my flat.  I've been told that the smell should fade, and will only be noticeable when it's wet, but for now, it's 72 metres of stinkiness!

Looky what I made!

Still lots of revising, but managed to find a very quick knit for my handspun.  I'm so proud of it, and it looks amazing!

And a random little bit of other spinning, because I was going crazy without something to do.  It's some of the silk hankies I dyed over Easter.  I've got through most of it already, but have put it away, I'm not quite feeling the love as much, and I'm really struggling to get it even, which is a stress I don't really need right now!

It's back to Bristol tomorrow.  It's finally time, and it's finally starting to feel real that I have more exams coming up.  It's so tedious...

Still revising

Wow!  This really does seem like the never ending story part about 100.  So bored of this, so I won't spread the misery too much.  I've mainly been at home, barely leaving the house, beyond the odd trip into the garden and a lovely day spent in town with Emma, Chris and Connor.  It's frustrating to be missing out on such lovely weather, although to be honest, I'd probably have just ended up as a baked lobster, despite my best efforts to lather myself with sunblock!

I've finally finished my handspun that I keep mentioning.  I'm so proud of it, and have already cast on a little triangular scarf.  I just love the colours and still can't believe that I MADE that yarn!  Pictures of the scarf in progress will follow.

And that's about all I have to say for now.  I doubt I'll have much more to say over the coming days, so I'm not likely to post very much.

Revising(ish)

I think I've at long last recovered from Friday and it's build up.  It's been a harsh journey, much more so than I realised, but then the weekend came, and... well I'm glad I came home, I really needed that support.  I've been utterly exhausted, teary, headachy and just very down.  Is this what stress is?  It's not what I thought "stress" would be, but I can't think of any other explanation.  It's so surreal, and not me at all.  I knew that it was a tough build up to Friday, but I didn't think that I felt stressed.  This all sounds a little bizarre - how can I not know myself and my physical and emotional response to such pressure?  I don't know, I suppose this is the most intense period of stress in my life, and I suppose I've just not reacted/responded how I thought I would.  One thing I do know is that I'm not expressing myself very well here, and I'm just coming off as a little strange...

The weekend wasn't the most productive time, although I'm not sure if I really mind this.  I was talking to the people I was living with in Weston and they all pretty much said they would take the weekend off, so maybe I should have set off with that attitude.  Pushing myself to revise probably wasn't beneficial, but I suppose no harm was ultimately done.  I'm trying to build myself up again into a rhythm of lots of work and lots of revising.  I'm getting there... slowly.  I feel less tired today than I have in a while, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'll get a headache in the next couple of hours and just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.  But I was able to fight this yesterday courtesy of some paracetamol and a cup of tea, and just sitting in a semi-darkened room and taking it easy.

I've been spinning like mad and doing a little bit of knitting here and there as a distractor/post dinner time filler.  I've mainly been working on my blue, lilac and pink stole, it's slowly growing, although I am fast approaching the end of my first skein (at last!) and I didn't bring the other one... ooops!  And I'm about 60% through spinning the singles out of that coloured top, and I'm not sure if I want to ply on my green spindle, so the end of that project is coming soon here in Derby, as I didn't bring either of my other spindles.  Mmmm, I may have to just revise - shock horror!  Lol!  I've got lots of wool here, from the Easter dyeing, but none of my needles, so I could raid my mums... but I'd also need to think of what I wanted to do with it all!  And that all just might be too big of a distraction for now...

Derby: Breathe and reboot

Yay, home with my mummy! :)  Although admittedly I'm now home alone (unless my brother counts...) it was so nice to come home to have my mum there to give me a hug and to let myself get rid of some very built up tension.  And as always, nice not to have to cook my own food, and nice to have a proper relaxing bath, a nice comfy bed, a good night's sleep.  Yes, it was the right thing to do to come back here.

But now... lol, oh so tempted to make arrangements to see friends?  Do I dare, because there is just such a strong possiblitiy that "an hour or two" turns into half the day!  But friends are an important part of my support network... right?  Lol!  I will have to be very strong and make sure I minimise unrevision time, e.g. read stuff on bus.  mmmm.... and my mum can't moan too much, she's been busy making plans to have my grandparents and aunt round for Sunday lunch, as if that's not going to be a distraction!?

But I am feeling more ready to go and tackle the world, now I just need to go get some food in my belly and a cuppa and who knows what I could achieve!

D-Day (part 2)

And that's it.  All the heart ache and stress, and now... nothingness.  I feel so exhausted by the rollercoaster that has been the last few days, especially after an absolutely rubbish night's sleep, where I kept on waking up drenched in sweat (Yeah, I know, eeeeewww!). 

So how did it go...?  I wish I knew how to answer that.  One the whole, I don't think it was too bad, but when I sit and analyse it, there's so many shoulda, woulda, coulda aspects to it.  Will these add up?  Oh man, this waiting is awful.  I believe that I came across as relatively confident.  I don't feel like I was overwhelmed with the nerves, although, I did bumble at times.  The patient was lovely, sweet and completely coherent, which is always useful.  I had time to spare, and they asked me lots of questions, which I believe I answered honestly and hopefully adequately.  I just have to wait now... and boy I wish I didn't.

I have decided that I will return to Derby today for a while.  I need the company and support.  Being alone all the time, here in Bristol is not going to do wonders for me. Yup, at the grand old age of 26, I want my mommy!

D-Day

Eeeeek!

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, IcandothisIcandothisIcandothisIcandothis...

Last day in Weston

So, two posts, but I'm mainly doing this because the two represent very different thoughts and feelings.  This is the more positive, less moany (I will resist!) one.  And it comes with pictures!  This is about reminding me to smile, breathe, and not completely ignore the world outside my little exam/revision bubble.  It is my last proper day in Weston, and so, during a moment of frustration, boredom and restlessness, I went for a nice walk.  I headed to the beach, as I realised that I haven't been down there at all this year, even though it's not much further than the same old places I keep hitting!  But enough with the words.

You can just about make out the pheasant, that randomly flew across the road in front of me and into these bushes at the bottom of The Hill.

Apparently where ducks (and old phoneboxes) like to hang out.

Gratuitous shots of the very cute fluff balls swimming and playing and diving in the canal.  Including this brave little independent one, venturing off by his(?)self

Then down to the beach, and a chance to people watch, get blown about, kick off my flipflops and be reminded of past beach trips, to better, and more exotic beaches, which brought back happy, warm, sunny, special memories.

These pictures are actually making it look nicer than it was, it wasn't nearly as warm and sunny as it appears to be, and it was very windy, hence the gliding sea gulls in the last picture.

At first glance, it seems so lifeless and bleak, but if you look closely, there's signs of life everywhere.  And of course, humour (this next picture makes me giggle, and in case it's not clear it says "Danger, sinking mud") and beauty (the second picture of a post weathered and aged) and then there's people being just too darn active for my liking!

And finally, on the walk back, I was overwhelmed by such a beautiful sweet scent, coming from these flowers, which I just had to take a photo (or two) of.  They had the most heady smell, and were really pretty, lush and unusual.  I loved the dark purplish foliage.

Yes, apparently there is a life beyond this little prison of books, patients, hospitals, exams and revision.  And it's quite lovely!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Weston, oh Weston...

No guesses as to where I am right now.  Yup, returned to Weston today in preparation for the dreaded exam on Friday morning.  I feel like I'm in some sort of suspended animation here.   How can it be that close, yet, how can it still be that far away?  It's so surreal, and maybe it is just a case of been there, done that syndrome, but it just doesn't feel real, or feel like it's really happening to me.  I try to think back to this time last year, and I'm sure I wasn't this nonchalant about it all.  But hey, I've become an expert on how to moan about it all!  Sorry!

I've been a bit better today with focusing and revising, although it doesn't really take very much to improve on this.  I've completed a 190 question practice exam, with over 45mins to spare (although admittedly, didn't go back and check over my answers, was soooo bored at this stage) and got a very respectable 75%, so fairly relieved with that, although there is such a huge danger of me falling into the trap of complacency.

I've very annoyingly run out of wool on my latest (still secret) project, and since I'm using some of my hand-dyed there's no chance of a random stranger rescuing me.  I'm going to have to find the time to go to a yarn shop and find a suitably matching in colour and texture yarn to do contrasting bits.  Admittedly don't have much to do, but still, it's very annoying, but I will do these things! 

In an attempt to focus on revision, I left it all my other knitted etc back in Bristol, besides the little bit I had which I finished this evening in front of Desperate Housewives.  So, tomorrow will be an entire day without knitting, and I think I'm getting cold sweats at the very thought.  It will be the first day since last summer where I've forced myself not to knit.  I can count on one hand pretty much, the number of days since last summer that I haven't knitted or crocheted.  And it's always been due to having a really busy day, or being really ill in bed.  Hmmm, hope it will be worth it. 

Day... I loose count

Yup, so I've not been updating, which is usually a sign that I'm not quite feeling right.  And I suppose it's partly that, and partly because my days have been mainly consisting of sitting around, doing revising, doing some spinning and some knitting (still on relatively secret projects) and trying to motivate myself to do a little more revision.  I'm still finding it so incredibly hard to focus and sit down and be really productive.  I keep on getting so easily distracted by silly mondain things - case in point, checking the Ravelry forums with stupid frequency, apparently no one else is just there sitting in front of their computers and chatting... but I still don't get the hint, and go off to check... again.  This is dangerous stuff.  And the worst thing is that I KNOW better, and I am aware of what I'm doing.  Just so darn hard.  Went to the local cafe yesterday and actually managed to do some good work there... first with a hot chocolate and then a bottle of cider (and no I didn't really get drunk!).  It was fairly productive, but I can't just carry on doing that... can I?  Why can't I bring myself to clear my table (for like the millionth time) and got on with work.  I know there's stuff I can be doing, and yes, I am aware that I'm not actually currently achieving anything sitting here moaning about it in a blog.  But anywhos...

I was really down the other day when I last spoke to my Mom, and I mentioned in passing that it was really tempting to go to Derby for a bit between the first exam and the next lot a couple of weeks later.  She immediately said no, she didn't think it was a good idea.  However, she phoned me earlier this evening and brought it up as a potential thing to do, but they would kick me out after a couple of days.  To which I said "What if I'm really productive?"  Apparently I'd get an extension then.  It's really tempting, although part of the temptation would be being close to my friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of going to Derby to revise.  I don't know what to do, but it is oh so tempting, especially if I don't have to worry about feeding myself and my parents can make sure I'm doing work.  But, and it's a huge but, it's a long way to go and it's a train fare, if I don't actually get on with the change of scenary being more productive thing.  So it's something I'll be thinking of over the next couple of days.

I had my practice session with the Prof.  Unfortantely, the patient I had consented the day before had forgot and thus hadn't told his visitors to come later.  So there was a mad dash on a Saturday, at visiting time, to find a patient.  The best we could do was find someone for a history only, so he didn't get to see me do the whole thing.  He had some very interesting feedback and hopefully things I can take forward with me to the exam on Friday.  He thinks that I come off a little naive because I explain myself to the patient too much and I'm too gentle.  I need to just be a little more aggressive/forceful (he thinks it would take a lot for me to become a bully, so don't worry!) and more in charge.  I'm the "doctor" the patient has expectations of me, that I will ask necessary things, and I don't have to explain why I do them.  So this would cut down on waffle, so save time, and make it look like I'm more in control.  It's strange, I've always worried about being a strong character, with little patience, and being a little aggressive and a tad bit of a bully, so I've worked really hard to overcome this, and I've ended up at the other extreme.  He did have some positive things to say as well, and he said it showed that I was thinking about different possible diagnoses etc, but that I need to do more of this.  He was all in all very positive, and invited me on his ward round so that I could listen to some of the doctors present to him, and see how he gets what he needs out of the patients.  This was very interesting, and hopefully useful.  Time will tell...

So the spinning looks a little like this, I got a delivery of some new spindles, so I've had to play, using some of my new fibres from last week, and using up some of the undyed that I have.  The undyed was the best I've done so far, and it's definitely showing signs of progress.  The dyed stuff is still in the early stages, but is working up really nicely, if not a little crazily thin!  Definitely a lace weight, and I'm going to work really hard on it (eventually) and use it over the summer.

Approx 160m of my very own handspun (I got really badly knotted during plying, so had to cut it, hence the two skeins)

Close up showing that I'm making some progress towards evenness and balance.

I had to be fairly creative with "setting the twist".  I think I slightly went overboard with the spin on the plying.  But for the record, this is what I've read online about how to do it, so it's not as crazy as it looks!

And finally, my new aventurine (I think) spindle, looking beautiful and already filling up with some uber fine single.  It's so fast and it's a joy to spin with, in my humble and limited experience!

Day seven - positive feedback, elections and fibre

Busy busy day.  Started with the practice long case, for which I did manage to get some positive feedback.  So yay.  He said he would have passed me, may not have been a distinction, but a pass none the less.  And he also said he'd be happy to have me as his F1, so also positive to note that he would tick yes to that question on the mark sheet!

Then a mad dash back to Bristol, to vote.  But glad I did.  Look what was waiting for me:

500g of spinning fibre (that I found in a sale! so it's not as bad as it may look!!)  It's a variety of breeds, actually each one is different, all be it, some are just superwash versions of others, but I have read that this can give the wool a different feel. So it'll give me a chance to get a feel for different types of wool and how they handle.  I can't wait to get exams out the way and just play endlessly, all summer long :)  They're all so beautifully soft with the exception of the green one which is only slightly scratchy in comparison, but it was nice and cheap and is supposed to be a really good beginner fibre.  My spindles however are sitting at the sorting office, clearly I have a different postie everyday, so the two parcels that have spindles in them are waiting to be picked up on Saturday, where as the fibre was left with a neighbour.

And then it was a mad dash back to Weston to... er... do not very much.  Had nasty cramps all day and felt a bit wiped out so have had a lazy evening, catching up with friends on the phone and doing a bit of knitting, and peeking every now and then on election progress... I do wonder what I'll wake up to tomorrow (well later today!)

Day six - oh $*!?, this is getting really close now!

One and a half clerkings done today (dinner interupted the second half way though, to be completed tomorrow)

And so the clerking saga continues.  And so does the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies this countdown (although, I more seem to be doing a countup!)  Sometimes I just think: "Bring it on!  I'm so ready for this" but I think this is mainly born from being bored with this stage of the academic year.  I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo here, just waiting for the inevitable.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on "book" work, I just feel so fixated and "stressed" (I don't feel stressed, but I feel something, best attributed to stress?) by this stupid long case and the effort of having to go clerking so much.  I want to close the door on this, and start on the other revision, which I really have been ignoring over the last few days.  And I feel so guilty about this, yet so unmotivated to do anything about this guilt.  I'm just not feeling The Fear of these other exams, I'm just all about the long case, and its so ruddy annoying.

And yet most of the time I'm living in perpetual fear over this exam.  I can't help but feel negative about it, after what I went through last year and over the last few months.  I panic over small things, which I know individually won't matter very much, but... but... but.... these small things can add up.  Have I done enough?  Can you ever do enough preparation?  Am I always going to kick myself and think I should have done more?  I've never been one for self-doubt, I don't think it's really a characteristic of medics in general.  But it's a really hard emotion to fight.  And sure, I have my positive moments, like yesterday's positive feedback, but I spend such huge chunks of time, practically paralysed by the fear and self-doubt. 

I've been working really hard on this clerking stuff for the last couple of weeks, and I really have so much desire to pass.  I have to say, the worst thing about having failed last year - the self-doubt it breads.  I can cope with the rest of it, but the self-doubt is crippling.

I've got an official practice long case tomorrow with one of the consultants who marks exams, so hopefully he'll be able to give some really good pointers and help pick up troublesome areas.  I'm hoping this, combined with the Prof's session on Saturday will do the trick and help me iron out any major outstanding issues.  Fingers crossed.

(And for those keeping score, I'm still feeling crazy hormonal.  I haven't had a PMT thingy this bad in I can't remember how long!  It's driving me bonkers, and probably not helping the things discussed above).

Day five - finally some positive feedback

I took an extended weekend.  My original plan of coming back to Weston on Sunday morning, turned into Sunday afternoon, then Monday morning... Eventually got back at about 9pm Monday (oops!), so needless to say, didn't really do that much clerking.  But I did have a really enjoyable, relaxing, catching up, crafting weekend.  I saw friends, went to the cinema (Cemetery Junction, not bad), ate out (admittedly just at McDonald's with Harry), and did lots of spinning (literally till my fingers were sore!) and did loads of knitting, for a mystery project ;) (Those on Ravelry will be able to find out, I'm just aiming for the intended not to be on Ravelry, so that's okay!).  All in all, not the most productive revision weekend, but wonderfully relaxing and I managed to catch up on lots of sleep, which is never a bad thing.

This morning, determined to make up for lost time, I got a short list of patients deemed good for clerking by one of the junior doctors, and went to track them down.  Typically, none of them were around and then one of the other medical students called dibs when one of them appeared.  (Forgive me non-medics, we're not as heartless as that may make us sound!) After a while it got too late for me to have time to do the other patient, so I gave up and decided to go on a walk to get milk and check up on the bluebells, since it was lovely and sunny.

I think it has finally reached its peak.  And it's truely gorgeous.  There were several other people out there with their cameras (making me feel quite ashamed of mine, theirs were all newer and shinier and had nice big screens, oh envy is evil, but I still want!!), and how I do wish I was better at photography, it's just such a wonderous subject to play around with.

Following some book work this afternoon, I heading in again to attempt to find available patients, when I bumped into the SHO who was on the team I shadowed back in March.  He had done a practise long case with me then, and said he would do another and check on my progress.  And by chance, he was free.  He was very positive about my progress and said he definitely thought I'd pass if I perform like that on exam day, so I was very relieved.  He actually had very few negative things to say and was very complimentary.  I know he's not a consultant and he's never marked exams before, but he took the time (twice) to watch me and provide me with feedback, so I am very grateful and I'm sure he can't be too unrealistic about it all, especially as he still remembers his exams and what it was like.  So, that was my good news. Yay!  Now to keep it up...