Busy Week

Yup, it's been a wee while since I posted.  This was due to two reasons, nope, three reasons.  First. I was enjoying life with no exams, no stresses and nothing to pour effort into.  I wondered round aimlessly, did lots of knitting, making stuff for a friend I just found out was pregnant.  And my first ever commissioned piece - a blanket in red, yellow and orange.  I was just enjoying me time, and not having stresses and just being.

Secondly, I did some shifts at work.  I've more or less gone through my insurance money.  It was good in that it gave me a chance to not work whilst I was getting ready for finals, and this was important.  It just meant that I had halved the income coming in, so it's now more or less gone.  So need some money for stuff over the summer, like paying a couple of bills, paying for storage, paying for yarn to play with (yay, planning on doing some more dyeing!  and spinning and well... all that stuff), paying for some new work clothes, and yup, basically need some money coming in so I can survive until that first pay cheque. 

And third reason was I had visitors!  Emma, Chris and Connor trekked down to Bristol on the train.  And I had a wonderful excuse to show off Bristol.  My camera was unfortunately out of battery and I can't for the life of me think of where the charger was!  So limited photos because like the dope I am, I forgot that I actually have a camera on my phone!  So there are only a couple of pics:

Connor was fascinated by the washing machine, and spent ages chatting to it was it whired and spun and did it's thing.  It's scary how big this gorgeous little boy has got.  My flat probably wasn't quite as baby-proof as needed for this very mobile fella! 

We went to see the suspension bridge and wondered round Clifton, wondered round the shops on Gloucester Road (how I'm going to miss this road!), and even got round to trekking to Weston on the bus to go to the beach, which was wonderful.  Connor found it an exciting place to be and apparently sand is quite tasty!  We had lots of meals outside, and trips to the parks.  It was lovely.  And we were truely blessed with fantastic weather, right up until we went to catch the bus to get them to their train home, when the skys opened and poured.  This, along with diversions through the city, meant that the traffic was crazy and we ended up not quite making it, despite having given ourselves extra time.  What was more frustrating was that it was by seconds, Chris literally was able to touch the train, and push the door open button, but we were too late.  But they did manage to get another one half an hour later, and got home safely.  Thanks for a lovely few days guys!

And now, it's back to work for a few more days, and then the Clarks visit and then packing.  It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks, but at least I'll be busy!

Last day in Weston

So, two posts, but I'm mainly doing this because the two represent very different thoughts and feelings.  This is the more positive, less moany (I will resist!) one.  And it comes with pictures!  This is about reminding me to smile, breathe, and not completely ignore the world outside my little exam/revision bubble.  It is my last proper day in Weston, and so, during a moment of frustration, boredom and restlessness, I went for a nice walk.  I headed to the beach, as I realised that I haven't been down there at all this year, even though it's not much further than the same old places I keep hitting!  But enough with the words.

You can just about make out the pheasant, that randomly flew across the road in front of me and into these bushes at the bottom of The Hill.

Apparently where ducks (and old phoneboxes) like to hang out.

Gratuitous shots of the very cute fluff balls swimming and playing and diving in the canal.  Including this brave little independent one, venturing off by his(?)self

Then down to the beach, and a chance to people watch, get blown about, kick off my flipflops and be reminded of past beach trips, to better, and more exotic beaches, which brought back happy, warm, sunny, special memories.

These pictures are actually making it look nicer than it was, it wasn't nearly as warm and sunny as it appears to be, and it was very windy, hence the gliding sea gulls in the last picture.

At first glance, it seems so lifeless and bleak, but if you look closely, there's signs of life everywhere.  And of course, humour (this next picture makes me giggle, and in case it's not clear it says "Danger, sinking mud") and beauty (the second picture of a post weathered and aged) and then there's people being just too darn active for my liking!

And finally, on the walk back, I was overwhelmed by such a beautiful sweet scent, coming from these flowers, which I just had to take a photo (or two) of.  They had the most heady smell, and were really pretty, lush and unusual.  I loved the dark purplish foliage.

Yes, apparently there is a life beyond this little prison of books, patients, hospitals, exams and revision.  And it's quite lovely!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Weston, oh Weston...

No guesses as to where I am right now.  Yup, returned to Weston today in preparation for the dreaded exam on Friday morning.  I feel like I'm in some sort of suspended animation here.   How can it be that close, yet, how can it still be that far away?  It's so surreal, and maybe it is just a case of been there, done that syndrome, but it just doesn't feel real, or feel like it's really happening to me.  I try to think back to this time last year, and I'm sure I wasn't this nonchalant about it all.  But hey, I've become an expert on how to moan about it all!  Sorry!

I've been a bit better today with focusing and revising, although it doesn't really take very much to improve on this.  I've completed a 190 question practice exam, with over 45mins to spare (although admittedly, didn't go back and check over my answers, was soooo bored at this stage) and got a very respectable 75%, so fairly relieved with that, although there is such a huge danger of me falling into the trap of complacency.

I've very annoyingly run out of wool on my latest (still secret) project, and since I'm using some of my hand-dyed there's no chance of a random stranger rescuing me.  I'm going to have to find the time to go to a yarn shop and find a suitably matching in colour and texture yarn to do contrasting bits.  Admittedly don't have much to do, but still, it's very annoying, but I will do these things! 

In an attempt to focus on revision, I left it all my other knitted etc back in Bristol, besides the little bit I had which I finished this evening in front of Desperate Housewives.  So, tomorrow will be an entire day without knitting, and I think I'm getting cold sweats at the very thought.  It will be the first day since last summer where I've forced myself not to knit.  I can count on one hand pretty much, the number of days since last summer that I haven't knitted or crocheted.  And it's always been due to having a really busy day, or being really ill in bed.  Hmmm, hope it will be worth it. 

Day seven - positive feedback, elections and fibre

Busy busy day.  Started with the practice long case, for which I did manage to get some positive feedback.  So yay.  He said he would have passed me, may not have been a distinction, but a pass none the less.  And he also said he'd be happy to have me as his F1, so also positive to note that he would tick yes to that question on the mark sheet!

Then a mad dash back to Bristol, to vote.  But glad I did.  Look what was waiting for me:

500g of spinning fibre (that I found in a sale! so it's not as bad as it may look!!)  It's a variety of breeds, actually each one is different, all be it, some are just superwash versions of others, but I have read that this can give the wool a different feel. So it'll give me a chance to get a feel for different types of wool and how they handle.  I can't wait to get exams out the way and just play endlessly, all summer long :)  They're all so beautifully soft with the exception of the green one which is only slightly scratchy in comparison, but it was nice and cheap and is supposed to be a really good beginner fibre.  My spindles however are sitting at the sorting office, clearly I have a different postie everyday, so the two parcels that have spindles in them are waiting to be picked up on Saturday, where as the fibre was left with a neighbour.

And then it was a mad dash back to Weston to... er... do not very much.  Had nasty cramps all day and felt a bit wiped out so have had a lazy evening, catching up with friends on the phone and doing a bit of knitting, and peeking every now and then on election progress... I do wonder what I'll wake up to tomorrow (well later today!)

Day five - finally some positive feedback

I took an extended weekend.  My original plan of coming back to Weston on Sunday morning, turned into Sunday afternoon, then Monday morning... Eventually got back at about 9pm Monday (oops!), so needless to say, didn't really do that much clerking.  But I did have a really enjoyable, relaxing, catching up, crafting weekend.  I saw friends, went to the cinema (Cemetery Junction, not bad), ate out (admittedly just at McDonald's with Harry), and did lots of spinning (literally till my fingers were sore!) and did loads of knitting, for a mystery project ;) (Those on Ravelry will be able to find out, I'm just aiming for the intended not to be on Ravelry, so that's okay!).  All in all, not the most productive revision weekend, but wonderfully relaxing and I managed to catch up on lots of sleep, which is never a bad thing.

This morning, determined to make up for lost time, I got a short list of patients deemed good for clerking by one of the junior doctors, and went to track them down.  Typically, none of them were around and then one of the other medical students called dibs when one of them appeared.  (Forgive me non-medics, we're not as heartless as that may make us sound!) After a while it got too late for me to have time to do the other patient, so I gave up and decided to go on a walk to get milk and check up on the bluebells, since it was lovely and sunny.

I think it has finally reached its peak.  And it's truely gorgeous.  There were several other people out there with their cameras (making me feel quite ashamed of mine, theirs were all newer and shinier and had nice big screens, oh envy is evil, but I still want!!), and how I do wish I was better at photography, it's just such a wonderous subject to play around with.

Following some book work this afternoon, I heading in again to attempt to find available patients, when I bumped into the SHO who was on the team I shadowed back in March.  He had done a practise long case with me then, and said he would do another and check on my progress.  And by chance, he was free.  He was very positive about my progress and said he definitely thought I'd pass if I perform like that on exam day, so I was very relieved.  He actually had very few negative things to say and was very complimentary.  I know he's not a consultant and he's never marked exams before, but he took the time (twice) to watch me and provide me with feedback, so I am very grateful and I'm sure he can't be too unrealistic about it all, especially as he still remembers his exams and what it was like.  So, that was my good news. Yay!  Now to keep it up...

Day four - I'm being good!

It's just gone 12.20, and I am sitting here, having just had a cuppa and some lunch, feeling rather smug with myself.  I have already clerked two patients today... admittedly still have to write up my examination findings, but all in all, they both went ok.  Finished with good amounts to spare on both and I think I covered most things.  I actually surprised myself with how slick it felt during my examinations... maybe (as much as I hate to admit it!) maybe this was one of the issues from last year, but either way, at least it is improving!

Still have to make a decision with regards the weekend.  But at least I have done my minimum of two clerkings, so if I get offered a lift back this afternoon I can take it, and then maybe think of coming back tomorrow or Sunday.

Must go and write up the clerkings, especially as haven't done yesterdays either... they're starting to pile up!  Ooops!

Day three - oh weekend, where are you?

Day three - two clerkings done.  Ran over time on both.  Really need to work on this.  Presented one of the cases to a housemate, and he gave me lots of food for thought, which didn't make me feel overly positive about my performance or my presentation.  Really need to work on this too.  So all in all, not feeling wildly positive about the day's achievements.  Or maybe I'm just reflecting the grey, drizzily cold weather?

It's not that I'm really hating doing the clerkings.  I actually feel really ambivalent about them.  Neither positive nor negative, they just are.  It's just the hassle of doing them.  The trying to find patients, working around meals, scans, visiting hours etc.  This has always been a major beef of mine with regards to this whole clerking malarkey.  We're just doing it to fill a portfolio, and to pass an exam.  It actually seems so pointless and irrelevant.  I actually quite enjoy it when I have something positive to contribute to patient care, and they're all shiny new to the hospital.  And you have some input to their tests and management.  It's more like the job than this bugging patients on the wards, especially when they're already all fed up of us bugging them.

And it's scaring the life out of me.  Only a week and a half until we are no longer allowed on the wards.  In a way this makes me want to stay over the weekend.  So I can be super-eager (read: driven by utter fear) and go in everyday.  But I really want to go back to Bristol.  To my flat, my spindle, my Sky plus and my friends (not necessarily in that order).  I'm going a bit stir crazy here in Weston, especially on days where the weather gets you down too.  I've also fallen into the trap of having no cash on me, so I can't even jump on a bus and go to the cinema or something like that, just to get a change of scenery.  The nearest cash machine is about a 25min walk away, and not something I want to do in the drizzly ran without a coat (I wasn't expecting this rubbish weather!!).  I just don't know what to do.  And I need to make up my mind so I can catch the people who are likely to be able to give me a lift back to Bristol.

Yup, it's just one of those days were I just want to moan!

Day one - and sticking to it!

The events of yesterday have really haunted me over the last 24 hours.  I had a really restless night sleep, waking up on several occasions and struggling to get back to sleep without spending ages obssessing over it all.  And as a result, this morning I didn't really feel the whole "bright eyed, bushy tailed" thing going on... far from it.  I felt really unrefreshed and not very proactive.  So it took me quite a while to get going and get to the wards.  But I did, by about 10am.  And I clerked a patient.  I was fairly happy with how it went.  Not sure I would have got his diagnosis if I had been the doctor that first saw him, but flicking through the notes afterwards, I don't think that his first doctor did completely, so that was reassuring.  What I was most happy with was that I really nailed the timing, had 10mins to spare, which I'm really proud of.  And yes there were a couple of things that I forgot (kicked myself when I remembered afterwards), but they were pretty minor, and would have most likely only accounted for a couple more minutes at most.  Timing was definitely something I struggled with last year, so it's an improvement.

I had teaching over lunch and then my coursemates and I sat around having a really mellow half hour before heading on with our days.  I did a little bit of work, and finished writing up my examination from the morning.  Then I hit the wards again.  Annoyingly took ages to find a patient who didn't have visitors, wasn't asleep, wasn't confused, wasn't acutely poorly and wasn't immediately post surgery.  It was so frustrating and quite a waste of time.  But I did find a lovely patient to clerk who had an interesting story and was very sweet to talk to, although she did ask me to stop before I had finished my examination as she was getting a lot of pain and couldn't cope any more.  So that was a little disappointing, but totally within her rights.  And I reckon I was doing ok timewise, so happy with that too.

And that's it, I did my two clerkings that I had aimed to do, and I feel really good about it.  I'm sure I'll get a much better sleep tonight and feel more pro-active tomorrow.  And dare I say, shall I aim to clerk three patients?  Might be pushing it, so maybe will set a MINIMUM of two instead.

Bluebell update

The wait is nearly over.  I hope that by Friday, it will be in full bloom and absolutely amazing!  Already seeing so much change since I last went and visited there, just last Wednesday.  Getting so excited, but also slightly worried that I have built it up and built it up and it won't be all that great.  But hey, it's something that brightens my days and gives me something to look forward to.

I was relieved to see that for a change, i wasn't the only one there with my camera out, although I did feel a little inadequate with my little happy-snappy compared to this photographer:

I know it isn't the best photo, didn't want to get too stalker-ish close!  His camera had the most enormous lens.  I bet he was getting great pics!

I also took a longer walk around the back of The Hill.  I always am enchanted about how remote and wild it seems, yet it really is just minutes away from the hospital and the house that I live in.  Truely fantastic.

And to add to the country-ness of it all, I went and said hello to the cows that are now grazing on The Hill, as part of maintaining the natural ecosystem.

And talking of the natural cycle of things, the field of buttercups from just a couple of weeks ago is decidedly less yellow.  Maybe the cows have really been enjoying the flowers!

And on to the slightly less bright and cheery outdoorsiness of these rambles of mine.  I have exchanged several emails with the Prof regarding my practise long case with him since Friday's little incident.  He's been asking me to think about what went wrong, and now he seems worried about my uncertainty.  He said I should look back and be self-critical.  He doesn't seem satisfied with my saying that I really don't know what it was.  I tried to explain that with the second long case, I was very nervous in light of having not done well enough in the first attempt, and that I thought that this had affected my performance.  He really didn't seem to like this, saying something along the lines of nerves having no place at my stage, and that practicing medicine is all about high pressure situations.  But I know that I'm not normally nervous.  I normally handle the pressure really well and that these nerves were in a very specific situation, and one that I won't really be coming across in my day-to-day work. 

Cutting a long story short, I really am starting to feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I think of it all.  I'm hating this pressure of expectation and to be honest, pure dread.  I'm really going to have to do something, no excuses now, this is it.  I have to do this, and in the next three weeks before my exam, I'm going to have to do everything I can to put myself in good stead and get over all this negativity and worry.  No more excuses, I have to hit the wards tomorrow, and clerk like mad, despite me hating the process of annoying patients!  And to this end, I'm going to be honest and accountable and keep a daily tally of how many patients I see.  I'm aiming for two a day.  I'll post everyday how I'm doing with this. 

And so to bed, for an early night and a productive day tomorrow.

So nearly there!

With the wool fleece all but finished (and now all in my freezer - apparently there's a risk of nasty little bugs that eat wool, and since my stash has become increasingly valuable, I've taken preventative action), I've moved onto the only other thing I had in my flat to spin.  The silk hanky I made on the dye your own workshop back in February.  It did look a little something like this before I got my grubby spindling hands on it!

It is now going through the most beautiful transformation, which is leaving me wishing that I had more as it's so pretty when spun.  I have to carefully peel away the layers to get a single stretched out cocoon at a time, predrafting (necessary here, rather than a beginner's cheat!) and spinning.  *sigh*

It's working out so beautifully and so much the colours that I love in life.  It's also coming out very fine and quite even.  Can you tell that I'm so in love with this!?  I've left it in Bristol as I returned to Weston today.  There's just about five more cocoons to do.  It's going to be such a short length, especially if I ply it.  So am tempted to leave it as an ultra fine single.

So back in Weston.  I was fairly good today in terms of doing revison and going into the hospital.  So I rewarded myself with a long stroll around my favourite haunts and some new ones, armed with my camera.  I took loads of photos, so many of which I've very impressed with, and somewhat proud.  I don't think I could really put them all up here, but I have uploaded my album here, on google albums, if anyone wants to check them out.  I had a short list of 24, which I decicided I had to wittle down to just (!) these:

The bluebells are the inspiration for my blog title, they're teasing me with how close they are to blanketing the field!

The sun was almost directly behind this tree, giving it the most gorgeous halo effect on the photos!  Pretty.

Spot the cat (?maybe a dog, not sure, was too far away to see!)

Then I decided to get some interesting perspective shots of the back end of The Hill, and show different views of the church.  The shear rock face is stunning and makes for a really interesting positioning of the church, which I don't think my previous posts have got across.

I love the humour of this photo.  The boats all lined up in the dry(ish) docks.  Clearly their owner's pride and joy.  All neatly lined up in their slots.  And then there's this tiny little row boat in the line.  A serious case of mine's bigger than yours going on!

I only noticed when I got home that this shot, of trying to get perspective on the cliff, managed to capture a bird of some sort, soaring high above me!  Very cool!

Trying to capture the bird on the branch, sitting next to the bird in the nest. But bird number one decided to give me an action shot instead, which was also pretty darn cool.

All in all, a lovely stroll out in the sunshine.  Still full of so much promise of things to come, ready to brighten up my revision dreary days.