Bluebell update

The wait is nearly over.  I hope that by Friday, it will be in full bloom and absolutely amazing!  Already seeing so much change since I last went and visited there, just last Wednesday.  Getting so excited, but also slightly worried that I have built it up and built it up and it won't be all that great.  But hey, it's something that brightens my days and gives me something to look forward to.

I was relieved to see that for a change, i wasn't the only one there with my camera out, although I did feel a little inadequate with my little happy-snappy compared to this photographer:

I know it isn't the best photo, didn't want to get too stalker-ish close!  His camera had the most enormous lens.  I bet he was getting great pics!

I also took a longer walk around the back of The Hill.  I always am enchanted about how remote and wild it seems, yet it really is just minutes away from the hospital and the house that I live in.  Truely fantastic.

And to add to the country-ness of it all, I went and said hello to the cows that are now grazing on The Hill, as part of maintaining the natural ecosystem.

And talking of the natural cycle of things, the field of buttercups from just a couple of weeks ago is decidedly less yellow.  Maybe the cows have really been enjoying the flowers!

And on to the slightly less bright and cheery outdoorsiness of these rambles of mine.  I have exchanged several emails with the Prof regarding my practise long case with him since Friday's little incident.  He's been asking me to think about what went wrong, and now he seems worried about my uncertainty.  He said I should look back and be self-critical.  He doesn't seem satisfied with my saying that I really don't know what it was.  I tried to explain that with the second long case, I was very nervous in light of having not done well enough in the first attempt, and that I thought that this had affected my performance.  He really didn't seem to like this, saying something along the lines of nerves having no place at my stage, and that practicing medicine is all about high pressure situations.  But I know that I'm not normally nervous.  I normally handle the pressure really well and that these nerves were in a very specific situation, and one that I won't really be coming across in my day-to-day work. 

Cutting a long story short, I really am starting to feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I think of it all.  I'm hating this pressure of expectation and to be honest, pure dread.  I'm really going to have to do something, no excuses now, this is it.  I have to do this, and in the next three weeks before my exam, I'm going to have to do everything I can to put myself in good stead and get over all this negativity and worry.  No more excuses, I have to hit the wards tomorrow, and clerk like mad, despite me hating the process of annoying patients!  And to this end, I'm going to be honest and accountable and keep a daily tally of how many patients I see.  I'm aiming for two a day.  I'll post everyday how I'm doing with this. 

And so to bed, for an early night and a productive day tomorrow.