Also known as: accidently crying in front of someone who you respect and has clout in the university to arrange extra teaching/feedback even though he has told several people that he no longer has time to do this.
I feel so ashamed about having blubbed today in front of one of the Profs. So embarrassing. But he was going on about the people who failed last year and how that only two (out of about 280) people failed last year, solely on the basis of their long case, and that they were mostly failing across the board. This makes me know I'm a member of a very exclusive group of just two. How special am I?
And this was also after having just watched one of my friends do a mock long case with him. She was dreadfully nervous and it hadn't gone very well. He described her as borderline and that if it had been her second chance long case, he would have passed her. Because they want people to pass. They really do. And that leaves me just thinking, hey, how bad could my second chance long case have gone last year for them not to have passed me. That's just not fair. I know that it was different examiners, and maybe if he had been my examiner last year, I wouldn't be writing this... But I am, and that just outright sucks.
And combine that with four hours of sleep (totally my own choice), it was just a little too much for me to cope with. And well, for the first time in about 6 or 7 months, I cried about the situation I find myself in this year. I mean, it wasn't hysterical crying, it was more the silent loosing battle against the welling up of tears. And it wasn't one of my proudest moments, not by a long shot. And I hate that. I hate that I cried in front of him, a friend and three people I don't really know. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to just let it pass over me. I hate that I got so emotional. I hate that this is only about the 4th or 5th time I've cried about having failed.
I was doing so well and being so strong. And now this. It feels like a set back. And I know this is just a form of grief - judge me all you want, but my career is my life. It's something I've nutured for the best part of a decade. Not passing was like loosing a huge part of me. It was more than not passing an exam. It was the job I had lined up, the faith and pride and hope that others had in me, the financial implications, the lifestyle I was preparing for, the friends moving on. It was a loss, this is grief. Just a very abstract "thing" to have lost. Not a person or an animal. But it was me. Everything I stood for and everything I had worked for for all those years. I was shaken to the core, and had to re-evaluate everything. I've never for one second stopped wanting this, and to achieve it, but it's been hard. Harder than I usually like to admit. Yes, a lot of the time, I have just got on with it, and it's just been life. I don't know any different, and it's just something that I have to do to get where I want to go. But today has made me realise a lot. And this is the first time I've really openly expressed this. It's really brought out how I'm feeling about everything and all the things I've tried with great success to repress with obsessive knitting and yarning. But if I'm been honest with myself, it's always been there, just under the surface, waiting until I was in an intense, cozy setting and in front of someone I really respect to just all come out.
(squeeze)
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