A daybook: An attempt to calm and order my overactive mind

FOR TODAY

Written at half post three in the morning!

Outside my window... Well, let's be honest, the curtains are drawn.  But I'm guessing it's dark.  I'm not particularly interested!

I am thinking... that putting my thoughts down on "paper" will help me order them and perhaps even settle my crazy overactive brain a little, and let me get some sleep.

I am thankful... for my new job, for finally being successful in applying for the thing that I've had my heart set on for so long.  For the new lease of life that this has given me.  But mostly I'm thankful for the amazing support I've had from everyone in this topsy-turvy last few months, and for their enthusiastic partaking in my overwhelming joy in my good news as I'm finally getting my chance to tell them.  I feel truely blessed, and I've had so many lovely congratulatory hugs today.  It does however fill me with a touch of sadness to know that my time with these wonderful people is now limited.

In the kitchen... there are high piled plates in need of a wash.  By no means the worst it's ever been, but still impressive when considering that I've only been back in my flat for a couple of days!  There's also a half eaten loaf of homemade bread.  I really enjoy baking bread.  There's something very homey about it, and it makes the flat smell delicious!

I am wearing... lilac pjs.  And a well worn, cozy sweater that is well and truely beyond it's best, but it's snuggly and I only wear it at home as a winter pj top up.  And my fit-flops, because my feet were very achy this even when I finally got myself out of bed after a very hectic nightshift.

I am creating...  lots of things, I'm usually fairly good about not having too many WIPs on the go at any given time, but I'm surrounded by half finished things.  Today I've been working on a rounded yoke, knit in one piece, navy baby cardigan for a friend.  I've also got to sew up and knit the neck back on another little cardigan for this same friend - a chore that I've been putting off for several weeks already.  So it's high on my list of priorities for tackling this week.  As is the 90% done pair of socks that have been about 90% done for around a year now, I *will* finish them this week. I also must remember to finally knit the neck border on my lovely green and blue lace shawl and get it blocked.  I've been so excited about this project but lost puff right at this final stage.  I *will* finish it this week too!

I've also started a project for myself for a change - a cabled vest top that I'm making with some lovely 100% merino yarn that my mum brought back from South Africa a few years ago. It's taken ages for me to find a pattern that I really wanted to make with this special yarn.  I'm a little over halfway on the back, but this project will be relegated this week with so much else happening, both crafty and otherwise.  It will be hibernating along side the sweater for myself that I started before Christmas, that just needs it's sleeves now, but I've ignored for weeks.  I'm not very good at prioritising knits that are for me!

I am going...to eventually go to bed.... not really tired right now, but getting there.  My body clock is all over the place, the rhythm of night shifts still dominating and the excitement and prospect of major life changes over the coming months meaning that even when I'm tired, sleep remains distant and secondary to the whirl of thoughts going round and round in my head.  Most of them thoughts I've been having all week, and when I'm tired, they're not even original variations of these thoughts!  They're just very hard to calm and stop.

I am wondering... what to watch next.  So far this evening, I woke up around 5pm, having slept all day after a very hectic night shift.  I had a pounding headache, which with hindsight was a migrane, since all I could do was lie in the dark with my eyes closed and then be sick.  I promptly feel asleep on the sofa by about 7pm, to wake up just before midnight... finally ready to start my day.  So far, I've been knitting and distracting myself with iPlayer on the telly, mostly lighthearted classics -  Madagascar (because I'm a big kid and love animated films), Junior Doctors (I find this difficult to watch at times, it's all a little too close to home, but I find the more work and experience I get, the more I can use it as a reflective exercise!), and I've just finished Tropic Thunder, which I adore for all it's outrageous silliness, and it also holds a special place in my heart as I watched it for the first time in East London, South Africa, whilst on my elective.

I am reading... The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet.  I didn't think I was ready for another epic read after having only finished A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones) series a few months ago.  But I'm lapping it up, and it's a surprisingly easy going read.  I'm over a third through in less than a week, which is very speedy reading for me, because I usually don't get round to reading much as I'm always knitting or spinning instead.  But this week when I've been very tired and struggling to sleep, it's been a welcome distraction.  I made the foolish mistake of watching the first episode of the tv series on Netflix.  I really disliked it, the book is just too fresh in my mind, that I got very annoyed by all the departures from the book!  Fortunately, I feel asleep whilst watching it, so it didn't ruin too much.

I am hoping... to have a really productive week, stuck in Yeovil on annual leave and broke!  I need to do some serious sorting and tidying of my flat.  And some planning.  And get lots of sleep.... we'll just have to see how this all pans out.

I am looking forward to... the adventures that await me at the end of the summer - a new, much longed for job and a new home.  The thought of it has awaken so much passion and excitement for my life, despite the undoubted challenges it will bring.  This has been something I've been really missing recently and been feeling very restless about, so it is wonderful to have this renewed energy.

I am learning...  about French gardens.  I've decided that this is what I'll watch next, and it's running in the background as I type.  I love gardens and green spaces, but wow these are on a whole other level, very organized, tidy and elegant, and isn't that just the antithesis of my life.

Around the house...  My crafting corner is taking over!  And driving me scatty.  I really do need to tidy this area over the next few days.  It's the one collection of "stuff" that I can't bring myself to thin out, but certainly the one that keeps growing at an alarming rate and takes up the most space in my flat.  I guess I can't win!  Besides that, the flat is generally messy.  Not particularly dirty, but stuff everywhere, so typical of when I've been on nights.  I've got an overwhelming itch to sort it all... but it's the sort of thing that I refuse to do at this time of day!  And one of those rare events, I have fresh flowers in my flat.  Yay, bright tulips in several colours.  A congratulations present from a dear friend.

I am pondering... on how soon it will be appropriate to start contacting my new hospital to start getting more info from them.  There will be so much to sort out and they will undoubtedly provide me with a lot of the answers to the endless list of questions floating round my head.  But I've only received the job offer a week ago, and that was from a centralised location.  I don't want to be pestering them before they even know of my existence and that they should be expecting me.  I need to take a deep breath and be patient, but this is something I've been wanting for so long, that I'm finding it hard to quell my excited energy!

A favorite quote for today...  I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't.  I suppose on a purely selfish note, it has to the the "congratulations" that I've heard endlessly at the start of my day as I was finally able to start spreading the word of my successful interview to my friends and colleagues at work.  How I will miss these people who have been my extended family over the last few years and who have given me endless support and confidence boosts in the build up to my application and interview.

One of my favorite things... very materialistic, but my spinning wheel.  I can't wait to indulge in lots of spinning over the coming days, annual leave really lends itself to spinning binges.  I find much easier to knit at the end of a busy day of work, that I don't spin very much during the week.  Although having said that, I have so many knitting projects that I really want to crack on with... but I'm sure I'll find a happy compromise to this truly "dreadful" situation that I find myself in!

A few plans for the rest of the week: sort through dvds, file long ignored paper work, sort through my clothes and get rid of things that have become somewhat tatty, stained and holey.  Wish me luck!

A peek into my day...

The ever growing crafting corner, where fibre and yarn are overflowing their bags.

Bright tulips!

 

The sofa besides me - shiny new laptop, knitting stuff, TV remote and my blanket.

(Partaking, for the first time, with The Simple Woman.)

It's the weekend! And thank goodness for that.

The end of another week, and what joy it brings.  I'm so tired out!  And I still can't believe that it's still only been a week and a half of work.  It feels like so much longer, but that's probably just a reflection of how busy I am.  I totally loose track of what day things happened, along the lines of explaining an incident to some one, and no actually being able to say when it happened.  Logic dicates it was yesterday, but every other fibre in my being says no, it was so much longer ago!  Craziness.

This week work has brought:

• three death certificates, waiting for me to fill out on Monday morning.  Three legal documents where I have to officially, legally decide and declare the person's cause of death.  It's quite a responsibility.  And my SHO (i.e. the person who is two years ahead of me and claims to remember what it was like to be in my situation) was very unsupportive.  We were warned on our first day that we shouldn't do the first ones alone.  That we should have someone talk us through it, and help us come to a decision about the cause of death.  He just flatly refused to do this.  And I was having the office bleeping me because the family of one of the deceased was refusing to leave until they had the certificate.  And so I pestered the SHO more to come down, and he suggested that I stay on the ward and he goes and does it.  How am I supposed to learn?  So I said no to that.  You would have thought I was asking him to give up a kidney or something.  Such a battle, then he only helped me with one, and refused to let me stay to do the other two.  Such a battle!  It shouldn't be this way.  Next time, I'll know not to even bother asking for his help on the certificates. 
• Along with death certificates, comes cremation forms.  Again, a legal document to say you have identified the body, that you don't think they died in even a remotely suspicious way (both these things can't be checked once a person is cremated!!) and you also have to declare if they have pacemakers (blow up cremetoriums if left in the body), metal work (e.g. from broken bones) or radioactive implants (can be bad to the health of cremetorium staff).  You can be held liable if something goes wrong with any of these things, so it is a huge responsiblity, which we were again told we should have our SHOs guide us through and help us with.  My SHO flatly refused, so I had to blunder my way through.  One of them had very limited notes, so I couldn't in all honesty say that they didn't have any non-human bits in them.  I was really worried and concerned about this and unsure what to do.  My SHO's advice?  "You're not confident, you have to get some confidence and just get on with it, we don't have time for this".  Not in anyway helpful.  Fortunately, I've adopted several other SHOs to go to for advice and managed to work something out.  But since I had three to do, they did take time.  My SHO's response - bleep me and ask me where I am (despite me having told him) and then ask if they can wait, since we had so much to do.  Well, no, I've already put it off for three days because of trying to get answers and help.  It's not fair on grieving relatives for me to put their funeral plans on hold indefinitely until I found some time.  But on the positive side, I do get paid for my crem forms (in addition to my usual salary) so at least my stress and worry isn't completely unrewarded.  Although, I do feel slightly guilty profiting from someone else's death, even if indirectly.
• Four consultant ward rounds, getting to know people's styles, preferences, way of doing things.  Four consultant ward rounds where my SHO in his attempt to look good in front of the consultants, has excluded me from them so that I can get the next patients notes ready, xrays and scans up and blood test results up.  I there to learn.  This is the only time I'm with the consultants and he excludes me from going to see them.  And then I get moaned at by radiologist and microbiologist, because I do the requests and prescribing, but often I don't really know why, because I wasn't able to hear the conversations had between the consultant and the patient.
• One drunken walk home by myself, after Thursday drinks out with my fellow F1s where I tried drowning my SHO stress out with a little too much wine.  (And for the record, no, no hangover, just not enough to eat, because didn't really have the time).
• One talk with a consultant late Friday night, who had noticed I was upset on the ward round (had been hiding in an office, crying on the ward clerk's shoulder because I had just been sent on a wild goose chase by my SHO and then humiliated by him in front of said consultant, thought I was composed enough to go back, but clearly wasn't).  I wanted to hug this guy.  He was so sweet, and he was talking things through, and telling me that it was a shame that I had to start on this ward, because it is so crazy and doesn't let up.  But he wants me to enjoy it and learn and benefit from it.  And was there anything that he could do to help.  I think just talking was help enough.  And I explained about the death certificates, crem forms, other issues and the ward round that had just made me feel really bad about myself and my abilities and that I just didnt feel I was supported or able to learn.  It's nice to have been able to talk about it, and he's going to have a word with my SHO, and hopefully, things will improve.
• One slice of chocolate cake from a patient's wife, who had brought it in for him, but he didn't want.  And I work so hard and deserved a treat!   People can be so lovely and it's the small things that brighten up life.
• Twice "just in case" boxes prescribed.  Annoying amounts of paper work, and depressing intentions.  It's a set of medications sent home with a palliative patient so that if they get pain, nausea etc, then they have medications that a district nurse can set up and help them with.
• One failed male catheterisation - and then a mini-lecture/discussion from the consultant urologist as to where I was going wrong (in his opinion, as he didn't actually see me try!).  Apparenly not, errmmm, straightening things up and out enough, typical girl being too gentle!  But good tip and learning point.
• One finished sweater and one nearly finished cowl, accidently (on purpose of course!! ;)) twisted.  But three days when I was just simply too exhausted to knit.  Which is sad.
• One dinner out with my flat mate and fellow ward F1.  No one understands what I'm going through more than her.  And when, one night, we were both still there on the ward after 8, she suggested we treat ourselves to an opportunity to unwind.  It was a lovely Italian restuarant, where the waiter flirted outrageously with my engaged flatmate and ended up giving us free lemoncello!  It was just what we needed.
• Three episodes of falling asleep on the sofa whilst watching things on my laptop, despite having always laughed at my parents for doing this (in front of the telly) routinely every night.  How quickly these things change!  I really will have to start thinking about sticking to better hours, and not trying to stay up watching stuff. 
• One trip to see Toy Story 3 in 3D last weekend.  Cute but not as good as I was expecting according to the hype.
• One chance to graffiti a fellow human's body with a permenant marker, outlining a rash to check it doesn't continue to spread.  She was a lovely patient and thought it halirious as I sat an doodled and tried to make sure I was doing an acurate outline, despite bad light.
• One trip to Starbucks for a hot chocolate on this rainy Saturday morning and a chance to check up on blogs and facebook.

And here I am, yawning but cozy and content that I don't HAVE to do anything for another day and a half.  Life is crazy busy, but as I said to the consultant, I really am passionate about being here and doing this, and it will take time to settle, I keep on forgetting that it's been less than two weeks.  I still have times when I'm really enjoying myself, which makes up for the times of extreme stress.

Hope you all have a good week!  And until next week, bye-bye!

On being required to be Superwoman

I have now completed three days of "independent" work, and have come to the conclusion that I am expected to have about five clones, working in sync with me, all communicating from a single brain to co-ordinate it all.  I was warned this was coming, so I'm not entirely surprised, but I didn't think it would be quite to this extreme.  I knew I'd be busy, and out of my depth and feel overwhelmed.  But I feel very busy, very out of my depth and very very very VERY overwhelmed. 

It's been a hectic three days, where I've barely had time to stop.  And by and large, I've been by myself about half the time.  My middle grade doctors have been having their various induction days and the consultants have been off doing, well, whatever mysterious things that consultants do, leaving me, very green to it all, by myself.  Which can be fine.  I'm a glorified secretary, I mainly sit and push a lot of paper around and play on the computer.  But when there's a genuine problem with a REAL person, it becomes scary.  I've spent longer than I care to admit at medical school and apparently I have so much knowledge floating around in my head, but it's true what they say, you don't really learn the practical things at uni.  And I suppose the hardest thing that you can't really get taught at uni is how to prioritise things.  I have issues with patients that I'm not sure how to deal with, paperwork being shoved in my face, requests to go and see this person, results of tests been handed to me, telephone calls from GPs about patients who came and went from the ward before I started, and my middle grade doctors giving me an ever growing list (well, orders, that I sit and list, and try not to loose said list).  And my brain tells me that the priority is to hide and flush my bleep down the toilet so no one can find me (apparently, like cockroaches, they would be able to survive nuclear armagedon) and cover my head with my arms.  But a small voice of reason somewhere reminds me that this actually won't be helpful.  So I do what I can, going by the moto of I'll try spread the disappointment of those relying on me around, so that my incompetence is not wholy apparent to anyone but me.  And I just hope that I'll improve quickly and eventually feel like I'm on top of it.  I definitely feel like I'm in a leaking boat, just bailing out the water with a teaspoon.  My spoon needs to grow and then eventually, I'll be in the position to plug the leak and all will be plain sailing.  And for those worrying about how this all sounds, yes, it is dangerous, and tettering on a knife's edge.  I am aware about this as are the powers that be, and I've just got to improve as quick as I can, because that's what I've signed on for.

And most of all, I'm saddened by how quickly I've become jaded by it all.  Reading this back, one would think I've been working for three months, not three days.

But it's not all bad.  Here are the good points:

• I still get a buzz from answering the phone/introducing myself as Dr van Tonder.  Every little time, my heart beats that little faster and I get a little smile.  It's becoming gradually less surreal, but that little moment of happiness reminds me that I'm still here by choice, and it's something I've wanted so hard for so long.  And it reminds me that no matter how bad it is, there's really no place I'd rather be.
• I'm meeting some fantastic people.  The nurses have been brilliant and I have even had a cup of tea and biscuits brought to me whilst I was sitting in front of the computer, when at 3pm I mentioned in passing that I hadn't had lunch yet (and I didn't!  Went home at 8.30(!!!) and was too exhausted to think about food for a good half hour of sitting staring into space and then calling my mom!)
• There really is no better place than a hosptial to people watch and see such a fantastic cross section of society and really find out about them.  People are truely fascinating, and so utterly capable of surprising you with the most unexpected things.  Patients are more honest, more open and to some extent, more vulnerable - you tend to see the "real"(ish) them.
• My fellow F1s are a great bunch of people.  Supportive (my ward/job is notoriously the worst in the hospital, so I get a lot of sympathy) of my stress, and very social.  We went out to dinner this week with them and some of the F2s and we had a bbq with crazy no-rule, no-score volleyball over a hedge.  It's nice to have a life outside the hospital and they are the best way of doing that in this strange unknown little town.
• Knitting - yup, where would I be without this?  I have found a shop that has a reasonable range of wool, and I have finally found a suitable yarn for the sweater that my friend Mary picked a pattern out for back in March.  She found a lovely quick pattern.  So much so that I am most likely to finish it later today, despite the busy week and having only started it last Saturday evening.
• I had a letter yesterday from the hospital (I stay in hospital accommodation) saying they are sorry for the poor state of the housing and that they have initiated an improvement scheme.  I'm hoping this means they'll install internet, so I don't have to drag my laptop to starbucks everytime I want to surf decently (the 3G is a bit hit and miss in my flat for my iPhone not to be frustrating to surf on).  And further to this, to help restore our confidence in them, they have decided to give us a month free of rent.

Yup, it's been a funny old week.  It's more or less what I expected but at the same time, nothing like what I was expecting.  I'm a bit like a zombie at the moment, but I'm sure this will improve and this is just mainly due to adjusting to the new things in my life. I'm so glad for my weekend off to recuperate and think of an action plan and how I'm going to improve next week.

I can't sleep!

Thank goodness for iPhones, huh? I'm utterly unable to sleep and because I've got a housefull of visitors, all snuggly, cozily squished in, I can't get to my laptop. I can't just get up and switch lights on and sit and knit...or spin. I have a real craving to do some spinning right now. The slow rhythmic nature or getting that spindle going and gently drafting out some gorgeous fibre... Yup, a right old craving. Not that I'm complaining in the slightest, I'm loving my housefull and the crazy, but loving chaos. And I'm so glad to have company... But it's officially now results day... And a year since... Well a year since my life officially fell apart. Will this year be any different? I know it's completely irrational, but I'm actually expecting the worst. This year has turned me into such a selfdoubter that I can't even visualise passing. It's just too wierd a concept. 4pm... What will you hold for me?

So that's why I can't sleep right now. My stomach's churning, nausea never far away. I had managed to forget about today for a while with my visitors here, but as we were saying good night, we talked about our plans for today... And besides wanting to pick up my new spindle that is currently being held hostage by royal mail, my thoughts finally returned to what today is. And now I can't stop thinking about it.

And I suppose the other factor here for my restlessness is the fact that I've just done 4 night shifts, so my body clock is a little skewed, but still this is redicilous, and there's so much we have planned for the next few days, I just hope I'm not going to be a zombie through it. So, Clark family, I apologise now if I am. But I'm so grateful that you are here, hopefully to share in my good news and for your distractions and love. I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Big day ahead!

As the weekend draws to an end, I find myself becoming impatient, yet at the same time, wanting to freeze time.  I have my last exam tomorrow, and it's one that I'm not particularly worried about.  In a strange way, it's actually a fun kind of exam that I've always secretly liked (at the risk of being lynched by my coursemates!).  It's practical, requires you to think on your feet, snappy, flies by, varied, basically an interesting way to do exams.  There's a couple of things that I want to go over before it, but otherwise, it's kind of hard to revise for, as it's not purely knowledge based.

But my anticipation and anxiety actually stems from the fact that I'll partially find out my fate tomorrow evening.  At some point after 4pm tomorrow, the med school is going to email the people who are required to sit a second long case.  So if I get an email, it's time to absolutely panic, and try to think of things to do by Friday to improve before the repeat.  No email, then, I'm... well, safe.  And pretty much home and dry, assuming that I haven't cocked up the exams that I passed last year.  I just don't know what to think.  I'm scared, so scared.  I know that checking my email tomorrow afternoon will be a strange compulsion, that I really don't want to do, but I can't help but do every five minutes until I know.  And then every five minutes afterwards until whatever news awaits me sinks in.  In all honesty, I don't know how I'm going to cope...

But on a happier note.  My weekend.  I've actually had a really nice one.  On Friday, I discovered that a new green grocer has opened about a three minute walk from my front door.  I had a nice chat with him, and he's sourced the vast majority of his produce in the UK, mainly locally.  And not only has he got fruit and veg, he's also stocking a range of preserves and chutneys and a small selection of olives (one of the few non-UK items!) and cheeses.   Mmmmm, couldn't help but stock up on some tasties for lunch and the weekend.

Lovely!  I love the way my road supports all things local and independent.

I finally finished my shawl/stole/wide scarf that I've been working on since Easter, on and off, in amongst other projects.  It's currently blocking on my floor and looking glorious.  I can wait to take photos of it once it's been unpinned!  But for now:

On Friday, I finished my latest spinning project.  I decided to experiment with making some low twist singles.  And I used one of my new(ish) spindles that I hadn't really used before, other than a quick trial.  I have no idea how much it weighs, but it's quite heavy, and has a super long handle, so I was able to squeeze all 100g on in one long long (344m) piece.  I took it off, skeined it (my clothes horse makes a very good skeiner!) and then, in an act of utter faith, having never done any felting, I felted the skein to give strength to the singles.  I set the twist overnight in the shower then in the sunshine.  I seemed to have felted in just right.  The strands were defnitely felted and required teasing apart which made winding a ball take forever!  But they came apart very easily and without any knots, headaches, breakages or other heartaches.  It's quite textured, and so I've decided to make a very simple shawl pattern with it, to really show off the gorgeous colours (was really unconvienced with the fibres, but I adore it now, so pretty!) and texture.

Pre-felting and setting the twist.  Quite good representation of the colours.

The finished, dried hank, slightly out of focus, but still pretty cool.

Close up of the singles, before I wound it.  Really good idea of the texture and thickness, but less so with the colours.

The start of the shawl.  I love how triangular shawls grow.  I'm loving how gentle the colour changes are.  It's not the bold stripes of the 198yards of heaven shawl I made with my last handspun.

My craft corner was looking a mess, so I decided I had to tidy it up, and this was it, mid-sort out.

On Saturday night, I had Mary and Paddy round for a BBQ.  It was lovely, and really mellow.  And we had such a great catch up.  I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends, I do really miss them though, I hardly get round to see them, especially lately with being in Weston and revision, and clashing with Mary's schedule.

And now.... I wait.  I wait for sleep, and peace, and those silly emails tomorrow.  I can barely think of my exam, in comparison to that email.  Last year, I didn't think about it, didn't really expect the email.  But it was the email that caused my life to collapse in on itself.  How can I now be expected to think of anything else?

Using tears to get my own way (inadvertently)

Also known as: accidently crying in front of someone who you respect and has clout in the university to arrange extra teaching/feedback even though he has told several people that he no longer has time to do this.

I feel so ashamed about having blubbed today in front of one of the Profs.  So embarrassing.  But he was going on about the people who failed last year and how that only two (out of about 280) people failed last year, solely on the basis of their long case, and that they were mostly failing across the board.  This makes me know I'm a member of a very exclusive group of just two.  How special am I?

And this was also after having just watched one of my friends do a mock long case with him.  She was dreadfully nervous and it hadn't gone very well.  He described her as borderline and that if it had been her second chance long case, he would have passed her.  Because they want people to pass.  They really do.  And that leaves me just thinking, hey, how bad could my second chance long case have gone last year for them not to have passed me.  That's just not fair.  I know that it was different examiners, and maybe if he had been my examiner last year, I wouldn't be writing this... But I am, and that just outright sucks.

And combine that with four hours of sleep (totally my own choice), it was just a little too much for me to cope with.  And well, for the first time in about 6 or 7 months, I cried about the situation I find myself in this year.  I mean, it wasn't hysterical crying, it was more the silent loosing battle against the welling up of tears. And it wasn't one of my proudest moments, not by a long shot.  And I hate that.  I hate that I cried in front of him, a friend and three people I don't really know.  I hate that I wasn't strong enough to just let it pass over me.  I hate that I got so emotional.  I hate that this is only about the 4th or 5th time I've cried about having failed. 

I was doing so well and being so strong.  And now this.  It feels like a set back.  And I know this is just a form of grief - judge me all you want, but my career is my life.  It's something I've nutured for the best part of a decade.  Not passing was like loosing a huge part of me.  It was more than not passing an exam.  It was the job I had lined up, the faith and pride and hope that others had in me, the financial implications, the lifestyle I was preparing for, the friends moving on.  It was a loss, this is grief.  Just a very abstract "thing" to have lost.  Not a person or an animal.  But it was me.  Everything I stood for and everything I had worked for for all those years.  I was shaken to the core, and had to re-evaluate everything.  I've never for one second stopped wanting this, and to achieve it, but it's been hard.  Harder than I usually like to admit.  Yes, a lot of the time, I have just got on with it, and it's just been life.  I don't know any different, and it's just something that I have to do to get where I want to go.  But today has made me realise a lot.  And this is the first time I've really openly expressed this.  It's really brought out how I'm feeling about everything and all the things I've tried with great success to repress with obsessive knitting and yarning.  But if I'm been honest with myself, it's always been there, just under the surface, waiting until I was in an intense, cozy setting and in front of someone I really respect to just all come out.

Catching up... again

It's been ages.  And quite a tough stressful ages.  The car issue has been dragged out and I've been back in Bristol, dealing with the stress of sorting it all out and dealing with it all alone.  I know that this is a decision that I have made for myself, and I honestly don't mind, but I don't think I've ever felt it as much as I have over the last couple of weeks.  I have been in touch with my friends and family loads, but knocking around my flat by myself, time has dragged, and the loneliness dreadful.  I've felt so restless at times and so trapped at others.  I've wanted to scream and then cry.  You'll be glad to know that I haven't!  But I've felt like it!

But in amongst it all there have been positive moments, with the support of my wonderful friends.  So here it is, the story of the last few weeks.

The car:  I ended up accompanying the car, on a flat bed truck, to the insurance appointed garage, which was beyond Bristol.  Fortunately, the very lovely recovery truck driver gave me a lift back to Gloucester, from where I was able to jump on a bus and get back to Cheltenham, at the end of a very long day.  The burnt smell of the airbags lingering on me, all I wanted to do was shower and wash my hair.  And then just curl up in a ball and sleep.  I resisted the urge though, and instead went out for dinner with my coursemates, to celebrate the end of our time in Cheltenham.  I think getting out and about was good for me, to be surrounded by people and to have some distraction.

Thursday, I did allow myself to wallow.  I was suddenly hurt.  I'm not sure if it was a seatbelt injury, or if it was from holding myself tensely and shivering and shaking so much the previous day.  But I was so very sore across my chest.  And exhausted, I had barely slept.  So I stayed at home, did a little knitting, watched some stuff on my laptop and then ended up sleeping all afternoon.  Then we went out to dinner as a flat, a final bonding experience for the three of us, who had individually gone through so much in that flat, that we had shared and supported each other through.  I'm so glad to have bonded such lovely girls who I'm sure we will always look back at our time fondly and be grateful for.

Friday brought new adventures - driving again.  I had a courtesy car from my insurance company.  And I was dreading driving.  First time after my crash and also because I've hardly driven any other car since I learnt to drive.  Pleased to say, in a slightly strange, lacking kind of way, it was fine.  It was just driving.  Once I was in the car, it was almost as if nothing had happened.  One of my friends agreed to come back to Bristol with me, to act as some morale support and as a very soothing, calming influence.  And she was wonderful.  Thanks Charlotte.

And life goes on... it was back to work at the weekend.  And then the nightmare of sorting it all out.  Last week Tuesday was an overwhelming day.
1)  I learnt that the driver of the other car is making a personal claim, via a very snooty, aggressive, intimidating letter.  (Which luckily, I have legal cover with the insurance, so all I had to do was forward the letter onto the insurance company and let them deal with it all, so glad about that).  I was very upset and thrown by this letter, but I have been reassured by everyone that it's just par for the course following an accident these days.
2)  I found out about my jobs.  I will be spending the first two years if my working life in Yeovil, a place I've never been to before.  I will be doing the following rotations: F1 - endocrinology; gastric surgery; general medicine.  F2 - GP (mmmm, not something I really wanted); trauma & orthopaedics (something I wanted even less!) and finally Obstetrics and gynaecology (yay, at least I got this!).  I'm sure these two years will be full of all sorts of adventures and learning experiences
3)  The engineer from my insurance company phoned to confirm that the car is a definite write off and to let me know how much I will be receiving.

In amongst this all - the slightly more positives.
My birthday - was on a Sunday.  Was lovely and lazy, full of loving messages, and a evening meal at a pan-Asian buffet in town with some of my friends.
Uni - am currently spending four weeks doing a GP audit.  I have collected my data and then trying to get motivated enough to start writing up the results!
Knitting - Ru wristwarmers are finished.  And so are two gorgeous vests for two lovely little girls.  And now I'm busy working on a lacey scarf for Farrah, using one of the balls of hand dyed that I painted at the workshop.
Friends - random pancake evenings, random relaxing at home, watching 24, playing on the Wii, and general distractions
Visits - the Clarks came and spent an evening with me last weekend.  I crazy, busy, joyous afternoon and evening.  My little flat hasn't had that much noise in weeks combined.  It was great, and just what I needed.  Company.  We didn't do very much, we went shopping (much to the girl's horror, and only redeemed by going to the best toy shop ever!), and a lazy dinner of naan bread pizzas, and all things yarn!  It was lovely, thanks guys, and we have to do it again!

And I think that is a fairly brief summary of things.  I'm still waiting for the cheque to come through, the insurance company have had some silly delays caused by people going on holiday without filing reports.  I'm hoping to get it in the next couple of days.  And then I'm hoping to go home to Derby for a long weekend, to see my parents before they go off on holiday over Easter and to have some company to cheer me up.  I need the soothing, cathartic influence of being around those I love.

And now, some photos:
Firstly, the yarn all dried and looking so amazing, I'm so proud of my creativity and can't wait to see what it all turns out like when knitted.

Sock yarn - pink with purple lowlights

Sock yarn - much brighter green than originally intended

Final sock yarn

Silk hankie

DK for Sarah, was supposed to be turquoise and purple, but ended up blue and purple

DK in gold and earthy red tones

Scrumptious Lace (45% silk, 55% merino) in semisolid plummy colour

Scrumptious Chunky in various shades of blue, purple and red

Ru's wristwarmer's - it's very difficult to take a photo of both your hands when you're by yourself!

Playing with my new toy, a wool winder

Getting ready to start Farrah's scarf

Little vests:

Close up of Jenna's armholes, unintended two tone as I was sooooo close to running out of wool

And they fit!

And finally, my flat being filled with people

The girls helped me wind the left over wool from Morgi's vest and made just-for-her wool of Sarah's.  And not the DVDs aren't all neatly lined up.  Apparently best game in my flat for little bean hands is to pull them all off the shelves until you're sitting in a pile bigger than you!

Apparently wool-winders are great toys for all ages, not just for me!

Just looking through these photos and it amazes me just how busy and full the last few weeks have been, filled with so much bad and yet so much good.  No wonder I feel drained and not myself.  Such a rollercoaster.  But I suppose that's just life...

Catching up

Wow, this really is a slippery slope.  Just a few days without posting everyday and then it just gets longer and longer between posts.  Oooops.  There's no particular reason for having not posted for nearly four days, it's a combo of having really dull days followed by very busy days.  And the now usual lack of sleep in Cheltenham making me exhausted.  So here we go, a quick catch up over lunch, and I have loads to say, so let's see how far I get.

I slept absolutely awfully on Sunday night, but fortunately I didn't have anything going on on Monday besides my nine o'clock seminar.  So I yawned my way home and curled up in bed and ended up sleeping for about three hours!  It was soooo needed that I don't feel entirely guilty for avoiding going to the wards and clerking.  I really don't think I would have got much benefit out of it.

Tuesday was by far my busiest day so far this week.  Nine o'clock seminar.  Followed by clerking with a friend.  First clerking I've done in weeks so it was really good to have someone there with me, as (a) kind of obliges me to get on with it! and (b) good for feedback on things that need improving on or are just a little rusty from having not done it for a while.  In the middle of my clerking, one of the other medical students came and dragged me to the corridor.  Just to let me know (at 11am) that I would be having my first exam of the year at 2pm.  Ahh, advance warning always so great!  The organisation here in Cheltenham has been rather questionable!  But there you go.  So after rattling around for a bit at lunchtime, moaning via text to Sarah (thanks for listening!) and trying to get it straight in my head how I felt about it all.  The exam was an observed long case - a new introduction to have them so early in the year this year, but basically the exam format which is responsible for me still being here at medical school rather than being out there in the big bad world, actually being a doctor.  How could I feel anything but negativity toward this exam?  Fortunately, it never really dawned in properly or felt real, so that avoided a lot of the nasty nerves.  I was surprisingly relaxed during the exam, much more so than during the exams last year.  I don't know what to make of it, but I got some very positive feedback, and I got a chance to really talk it through with the doctor who was examining me, and she said "there were no major pass/fail points" which I don't know if that meant I passed overall, or there was no one big thing that I would fail on that I really messed up.... so who knows.  I don't know when I'm likely to find out what I scored/if I passed.  So I'm just in limbo, but feeling relatively happy about it.

Then Tuesday evening I drove to Cirencester to meet up with Lorri and have dinner.  Which was lovely, and just what I needed after the unexpected exam.  I love catching up with Lorri, and she spoils me rotten when we have dinner, taking pity on the poor student.  We have a deal that with my first pay cheque, I'm going to repay the favour, but at this rate, I'm going to have to take her to Paris for a meal or maybe the Ritz or something crazy like that, either way, something big!  Lol!  I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends.  It was an okay meal, Lorri's steak was over cooked, and the humous wasn't humous, but I did have a very very tasty ginger and honey icecream for desert.  Mmmm *licks lips*!  And it was lovely just to be with a friend, and have a really good catch up.  Lorri is working and staying in Swindon at the moment, hence meeting in Cirencester, which is more of less half way between Cheltenham and Swindon, taking us each almost exactly half an hour to get there.  We're planning to do it again next week, choosing a different restaurant this time though.

Yesterday I had about as lazy a day as possible.  I was exhausted and didn't really have anything on in the hospital, so I stayed in bed (in the morning) and in my pjs most of the day.  Watched stuff on my laptop, dozed, and eventually got round to knitting a little bit, making a start on the second wrist warmer.  Eventually at about 5, I decided enough was enough and put some clothes on and forced myself to go to get milk!  Ohhh, it's a tough life I lead. Then in the evening I went with one of my course mates to go see Sherlock Holmes, making the most of Orange Wednesdays and having a cinema about a minute's walk away.  It was pretty good.  Predictably a bit about the violence and explosions.  But I did quite enjoy it, and I've been meaning to see it for ages now.  So can cross it off the list!

And here we are, back to Thursday.  I overslept this morning so was late to my teaching first thing.  Ooops.  Then am about to head in for "on call", whatever that will entail and maybe have some consultant teaching.

So I had better get going.  I have a few more things to say about my weekend, but I will have to leave that for now, but I am well excited about my plans!

Still waiting to be enchanted by Cheltenham (and Hereford)

Well, I'm still alive!  Somehow.  Time is dragging here, and in a bizarre kind of way, I'm actually looking forward to my road trip to Hereford tomorrow (look it up on a map, I had to!  Heard of it before, no idea where it was!).  I've not heard positive things about the drive, but ooooh well, at least it'll be something to do.  Which is better than today.  We had a 9am tutorial and then that was it.  I suppose I could have been more pro-active and hit the wards to clerk afterwards, but I felt like an exhausted zombie, so I plodded home via tescos (no milk = no tea = disaster!) and stocked up. 

And then came home and did a little bit of reading, watched a little "tv" then gave up completely and crawled into bed.  Really struggled to sleep - let's blame the bed, but eventually did nap for a couple of hours, so hopefully I've caught up on the sleep I missed over the weekend and that I've not been getting because of the bedsprings sticking into my sides.  I've gotten so used to my lovely memory foam mattresses (both in Bristol and Derby) that I've forgotten this joy.

I spent a little more time chatting to my new flatmate (whose name I can't remember... oops!) and she's been wonderful and brought along a whole bunch of pots, pans, crockery and basically saved the day, bless her!  And so we can actually cook semi-decent meals.  Although, when at tescos, I mainly stocked up on things that would require minimal pots, e.g. pizza, salad, pies, stuff for pitta bread pizzas (for lunches/other lighter meals), jacket potatoes and fruit.  Miss calculated the number of tea bags I had left, so now I'm down to my last one for breaky tomorrow.  Oh man, I can't live without my tea :(  Lol, enough with the dramatics!

I've spent this evening doing some knitting (almost at the heel of the second sock now) and starting to rank my jobs, which is the next part of my job application for junior doctor jobs i.e. the next (hopefully!) two years of my life.  I've basically got a list of all 272 jobs that will available for junior doctors in the deanery (the collection of hopitals approx within 1hour radius of Bristol) and I have to rank them in order of my preferences as to which ones I want.  It's harder than it sounds, and it feels a little pointless, as I know for a fact I didn't score very well on my application and thus am not likely to get anywhere near the top of my list.  I've ranked all the jobs that have some obs & gynae in them at the top (all 39 of them!) in some sort of thought through order as this is the speciality that I'm leaning most towards.  But it's also one of the most popular, so the chances of me getting one of these 39?  Put it this way, I'm not optimistic.  And then how do I rank the other 230 odd jobs?

This whole thing has been made extra stressful as it's one of those things that I've done before with so much excitement and anticipation... and now... and now I'm not feeling it at all.  It's just a horrible reminder of all that's happened.  And whilst it has quite brought me to tears, I do find that I'm facing quite a mental hurdle to do it.  But it is interesting to see how my reasonings for ranking have changed.  Last year it was Obs/Gynae jobs, then paeds, then jobs which had both years in the same place, and then more randomly.  And I put so much effort into it.  Giving all the jobs a score out of 5 as to what I thought/felt about the rotations included in them.  And of course I got rid of all the paper that I did this on!  And I don't have the energy or inclination to do that again this year, although it was kind of useful.  This year, my priorities are more along the line of Obs/Gynae jobs, jobs with first year in Bristol (would be useful to be able to stay in my flat), maybe jobs with A&E placements (I really enjoy A&E and is prob next on my list of possible specialties after Obs&Gynae - I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something with picking the jobs with the anti-social hours!), and then... don't know.  Not sure if I really care.  I'm going to have to stop for tonight anyway, and maybe think about it on my commute tomorrow.

Resisting temptation

After all the excitement of first thing this morning, I'm cream crackered, so just a quick post.  Yes, I know I always say that and then...

First day of placement today.  Bit of a let down, the lecturer couldn't make it, so we only had some housekeeping issues to sort out.  And then I had the rest of the day free.  I could have done so much like nap, do some reading, rank my jobs, go food shopping, etc. But I didn't get round to any of this.  I mainly vegged in front of my computer, half-heartedly watching iPlayer and knitting and feeling bored and frustrated.  But I don't have anywhere comfy to knit, so I didn't get oooooodles done, but I suppose some is better than none.  And right now, I know I'm feeling extra moany, but that's probably because I'm tired, so I really shouldn't say too much, as I don't know if I'll fully mean it.  But here's a list of my Cheltenham issues:
1) they're expecting me to spend half my time (or seemingly half, tiredness may be slightly, but not greatly, exaggerating this) outside of Cheltenham, just because I have a car.  They're sending me to Hereford (officially can claim 40miles each direction) which apparently would take only slightly less time than it would to get to Derby.  So I'm not impressed, especially as I will have to pay up front for petrol and then claim back, which will undoubtedly take weeks (that last part might fall under the "may not actually mean if I wasn't so tired" category)
2) lack of stuff here - no linen, next to no cookware/crockery.  The accomodation is not really exciting me at this point in time.  So frustrated about it.
3) no tv - there's not much to do in general, unless you want to spend money (e.g. cinema on next street, oh temptation thy name is Cineworld) or it involves sitting in front of a computer screen.  We're almost slap bang in the middle of town, so there's not even anywhere decent to go for a stroll.
4) the heating is crazy - I've had to turn down the night storage heater in the kitchen/lounge and open all the windows as it was like a sauna.  It was too uncomfortably hot to sit in there, which is a shame as that's where the sofas are.
5) there's no toilet paper - we have to provide our own... apparently.  I'm not 100% sure.  But I'm guessing as I can't find anywhere and now we are out.  Mmmm, emergancy run to 24 hour tesco or beg/borrow/steal from another flat. 

Good things (perhaps?) about Cheltenham
1)  I saw three craft shops today on my walk to and from hospital.  Oh temptation thy name is yarn!  I'm pleased to report I only went in and felt (get it!! and before you say anything, I did warn you I was tired) the wool in two of them.
2).... I'll have to get back to you on that...

Sarah and I did however end up chatting for nearly 2 hours this evening, exchanging woes and frustration and having some interesting ponders about the world in which we live, which was a lovely way to kill my boredom, and was ultimately the highlight of my day.  Thanks Sarah, although be forewarned, you did such a good job, maybe back to bug you again soon!

Anyhow's, off to bed now.  Night y'all and here's to a fire alarm free sleep.

Never leave towels on night storage heaters

Had a lovely early wake up call at about 7am today, with the fire alarm absolutely screaming the place down.  My first instinct was to say, "oh damn, someone's burnt their toast... who makes toast at this time of day anyway?".  But as soon as we got out of our flat into the stair well, we could start to smell the acrid, noxious fumes.

We had no idea who was officially in the building.  So we had to hope for the best.  Then there was the debate over if we should call 999 or if it was automatically linked to the fire department, as many university halls are.  We didn't really debate for too long, we just phoned straight away.  And whilst someone was phoning 999, I ended up trying to get hold of the supposedly 24hour security office, in the hope that they would be able to assist us with matters like a head count, if the fire department should be called etc.  And we couldn't get hold of them, despite numerous attempts, especially when the fire crew were trying to switch the alarm off so we could all go back inside.

Turns out someone had left their towel on their night storage heater.  I went to move my car (which was in a time restricted bay) so I missed the big "action" but the firemen managed to remove the towel and leave it on the pavement outside the front door.  I saw the embers when I returned.  Don't think they needed to do anything else, besides help with aerating the block of flats and tell off the girl responsible.  Then we were eventually allowed back in after about 40mins.  Everything still stinks like mad, and it makes my eyes water a little every now and then, but hey, things could be a lot worse.  I'm just deprived of sleep now, there was really no point in attempting to get back to sleep after all that.  So I've just randomly surfed the net instead.  It's all but time to get ready now.  I did take a photo of the fire engines, but it was on my mobile, and I currently don't have the means to upload them, so I'll put it up eventually.

Have a good, fire-free day everyone!