A week in Derby... and a week in Yeovil

Back on the trains, nine days later... Nine days sounds like so long, but it's really not! It's flown by all too quickly. I wish I could have turned it in to longer. Which is ridiculous, I hardly have a demanding or tiring rotation at the moment. But maybe that's the problem, I know that this week has speed by because I have been so busy and surrounded by those I hold so dear, and I'm heading back towards something which I'm not fully enjoying. It's so silly, I find myself quite conflicted about my feelings towards GP land. It's not what I want to do, I don't want to be there, I'm frustrated by the buses and how expensive they are, my budget is being gobbled up by spending nearly £40 a week on buses plus the couple of misadventures when I've missed my bus and had to pay for a very expensive taxi. And I miss being at the hospital really badly. I miss being hecticly busy, and getting stuck in. I prefer the roles and responsibilities placed on me by hospital practice. And I miss the comeradery if being there, being able to unwind with my contemporaries and the banter you engage in with the nurses, physios, pharmacists and all those people. I get annoyed by my lack of knowledge and constantly (or so it seems) having to ask for help. Yet I don't actually have anything to complain about. Everyone in GP land is very sweet and accommodating, and I do enjoy parts of it, like the variety and the different types of patients - it's fun to do a little paeds. Yet it's by far the least passion I've had for any of my rotations, leaving me sitting here on this train, sad that I'm finished my week of annual leave and that tomorrow I'll be back at work.

....

And then another week later - kinda forgot to finish this post.

So Derby:

 You can just about make out the huge spider and beyond - all the apples wasted during the 3 weeks my parents were away.

 My exciting parcel, all squidged down, was:

 Half a coloured Ryeland shearling fleece, completely raw and ready to be worked on.

 The first soak (and my toes!)

 Disgusting and slightly smelly water after the first soak.

 Subsequent soaks getting clearer.

 I got a chance to finish the sweater for Conner.

And knitted a whole lace shawlette for my gran as part of TGCC.  Here's an early shot.

I spent many long but all too quick hours at Sarah's, with her family and Emma and Connor.  It was such a special time, and something I hold so dear.  To just be, in calm chaotic companionship.  We knitted, gossiped, drank endless cups of tea, went for walks with the girls, did a little cooking, a little cleaning and laundry... And apparently, reading that back, somewhere along the way turned into our mothers!  We also went swimming.  I went to the cinema twice, once with my Mum, as a girls night out when my dad was away overnight for work, and then with Jenna, to give her a chance to do something fun and uninterupted by little people.  I went for a lovely dinner with my wonderful Sam (and there may have been other people there, I forget now! ;)).  Really quite busy with simple nothingness.

And on the Saturday, a special muddy and at times very wet walk with so many of my nearest and dearest.

The Attenborough Nature Reserve - a place for the designing of mischief and meyhem.

 E.g. the grownups getting stuck up trees.

 A place where you have to dress appropriately...

... For puddle stomping...

 ...Saying hello to horses...

... Picnicking...

 ... and tickles...

 Feeding...

 ...and then chasing ducks...

 Adults who don't dress appropriately for these activities will do so at their own risk!

 We did find safer ways to feed the ducks.

 And at the end of it all... well there were smiles all round and everyone survived!

And then we headed back to Sarah's for a nice warming cup of tea, and dress up, for which Kev was very indulgent!

And I wonder why I sit on the train lamenting the end of my annual leave!  But life goes on, but with happy, warm fuzzy feeling inducing memories to keep me going until I next get to see everyone.  Thanks. :)

Blame it on the sunshine!

I whole heartedly blame this post on the great weather - but seriously does it get much better than this? I have a job that I really enjoy (reservations over GP aside!) and that I think I'm fairly good at, where I get to indulge my inner fibreholic and have lunch it a breathtakingly beautiful location in the sun, just a half hour of peace and calm to sun worship and knit. And did I mention that I have next week off, a whole week of catching up with family and friends, and of all the fun activities I have vaguely floating around my head. Yup, safe to say I'm in a good place, and not even the thought of a five and a half hour train journey this evening can put me off just enjoying this moment:

GP land

In the last few weeks since I've posted (yeah, yeah, I know!) life has been a chaotic upchurn of things.  I've moved both my home and my job, said goodbye to so much old, and hello to all this new stuff.  It's scary to think just how fast the last year has gone by and just how far I've come.  I feel, in many ways, like a completely new person.  I've changed in many ways.  They say that Med School really doesn't make a doctor, it just gets you on the path.  And it's so true.  I'm now what would have been up to a few years ago, an SHO (senior house officer), which sounds so much more advanced than F2 (what the position is now called) and I have to pinch myself to believe that I'm an SHO!

I feel so much more experienced, yet at times, I feel somewhat overwhelmed by the mountian sized amount of things that I just don't know.  And no where is that more apparent than working as a GP.  There are the simple things like chest infections, that I've seen so many times before and I feel so comfortable with, even the nastier, hairier versions of.  And then there are the things that I've just never seen before, and perhaps have a dusty memory somewhere of, like all the rashes that I get presented with!  I really know so little about dermatology, and chances are, I never will have to.  But it's so frustrating to go from something where I feel so comfortable to something where I have to ask my supervisor about.  The variety of general practise is wonderful, and a challenge that I really thrive on, but some days my confidence really takes a knock!  It's nice to have that safety net of someone to fall back on, but I really do feel lost by it all at times.

My new home is well and truely a home now, with my bags and boxes unpacked, and my junk scattered about.  I love this little space.  It's by far the most grown up place I've ever lived, with it's slick kitchen and nice bathroom.  I feel amazed by the twists and turns of life that have lead me to this place.  I still can't quite believe it at times.  I can't wait to do so much in this space, even though I'm only going to be here for a year.  Just silly little things, like buy extravegant new sheets, with rediculously unnecessarily high thread counts, and getting a new dinner service so that I can retire my well loved and worn set that I've had for about 7 years.  And this time, there'll be no cheap as I can find student budget plates.  I want to really look round and enjoy picking out the right ones.  Silly and dreadfully materialistic, I know, but it's these simple things that bring pleasure to my life - to be able to afford these luxuaries after all those years as a broke student!  And I can't wait to entertain and have people round in this precious little space I call home.

Catching up! Part 1 - work

Well, since it looks like I'm not going to be sleeping for a while...I'll try do some catching up.

It's been since December, and that's really hard to believe.  I had just started my surgical rotation.  So let me think... things that have happened since then.

I loved my surgical rotation, with a passion!  It was a very different pace of life and structured very differently in terms of day to day responsiblities and duties.  Two things really made this placement for me, first, the wonderful people I was working with.  All the surgical teams were fantastically welcoming, friendly and supportive.  I found it interesting and it made me really want to get stuck in, learn more and get the hands on experience, something which I felt they recognised and appreciated.  My registrar, in particuar was fantastic and really encouraged me and helped me regain my confidence.  He was very generous with his positive feedback, and at giving me support with things I felt shakey about.  The strained working relationship I had had with my SHO on my previous job had really shattered my confidence and my self-esteem.  But that definitely changed with surgery. 

The second thing that I really got out of this placement was it cemented in my head what I want to do when I grow up.  As a medical student, I always thought I didn't want to be a surgeon, and was really unsure about the idea of literally cutting people up!  Which really conflicted with the fact that the area I found most interesting was obstetrics and gynaecology.  And then I did my first placement, and I really enjoyed medicine and working, and found the variety quite interesting.  I enjoyed doing the odd procedure.  And I really started to think that acute medicine was perhaps the thing for me.  And then I started surgery...

I found myself drawn more and more to those operating theatres.  I would feel motivated to be super organised about my main duties, so I could rush to spend as much time as possible in theatres.  At first, it was mainly observing, but man... is that draw is powerful.  The overwhelming urge to experience it, hands on, even if just to hold retractors or hold the laprascopic camera.  I would use every opportunity to scrub in and assist, frequently staying late to get the chance to go to theatres.  And the more I did that, the more familiar the theatre staff and the surgeons became with me, and my reward was great!  I was allowed (under very close supervision and guidance) to do small things, including making a couple of incisions (scary because after it's all done, the scar from that incision, is the one thing that stays with the patient as an external reminder) and closing the incisions, and various things like that.  I found it all so very rewarding, and who'd have thought, I actually do have an inner surgeon, and in all honesty, it didn't take very much to wake it!

So I have decided, for definite, that I want to go into Obstetrics and Gynaecology.  It interests me, there's a fair amount of variety and lots of opportunity for hands on practical procedures that I crave.

And that was surgery for me.  If at the start of the year, you'd have asked me to predict which of my three jobs I would enjoy the most, I really wouldn't have picked surgery!  And yet, by far it was.  It may not have given me some of the challenges that that first job did, and I may not have learnt as much, but I will always view it as my most useful one, as it was the one that gave me my confidence back, I got so much pure enjoyment out of and helped me decide what I want to do with my life.

I'm now on my last job of the year, which is another medical job, and as someone pointed out to me, my last  ever medical job!  Which is very scary, and slightly sad thought.  I do enjoy parts of medicine and wish that I could experience it more as I'm sure there's lots more I can gain from it.  But unfortunately, the way that doctor's careers are structed these days, there's no scope for that, unless I decide to delay applying to O&G training posts and do non-training jobs.

I'm now on the cardiology ward, which in Yeovil has a particular flavour to it.  We don't have the facilities for interventional cardiology, so we don't deal with some of the more traditional cardiology things.  So there's some general medicine thrown in for good measure.  It's probably the calmest medical ward in the hospital, which is a very big change from that first job, on the most notoriously busy and hectic ward in the hospital.  And also, I've been working for nearly a year, so I am now more confident and experienced, and I think that also contributes to a much less stressful job.  I enjoy it, but I think I'm not getting as much out of it as my two earlier jobs.  But that's fine, I have a much nicer lifestyle now, and I'm very happy to settle for that!

On being a surgeon

On Wednesday, I left my hectic, challenging, demanding job in medicine and began my new rotation in surgery.  And wow, what a difference!  Admittedly it all starts an hour earlier, but yesterday, I had done my ward round and all the jobs and was sitting in the mess twiddling my fingers by 9:30!  It almost feels like some sort of perverse torture, after being constantly so busy for about 10 hours a day, this is a strange feeling, and one that feels so wrong.  I have to be there but to do what?  I'm working on a couple of things to keep me occupied, and I know there will be busier days, when I may even regret this post.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not really moaning, I'm merely making some observations on it all.  I'll probably get used to this change of pace and barely notice it after a will.  I definitely am missing my old job, but it's good to get new experiences.

So here is my list of things that I want to achieve in the next four months:

• work on an audit
• catch up on my e-portfolio
• do some e-learning
• work on some presentations
• do some reading and active learning, rather than just picking it up as I bumble along.
• do some form of exercise, am considering swimming
• eat proper meals, rather than half-arsed attempts at sustenance
• do some formal teaching

And there they are, documented for all to see, and I'll try to keep you up dated on progress. :)

And now, I'm off to nap, as I think I need to add something else to my to do list, not over-indulge with alcohol too often!!!

It's the weekend! And thank goodness for that.

The end of another week, and what joy it brings.  I'm so tired out!  And I still can't believe that it's still only been a week and a half of work.  It feels like so much longer, but that's probably just a reflection of how busy I am.  I totally loose track of what day things happened, along the lines of explaining an incident to some one, and no actually being able to say when it happened.  Logic dicates it was yesterday, but every other fibre in my being says no, it was so much longer ago!  Craziness.

This week work has brought:

• three death certificates, waiting for me to fill out on Monday morning.  Three legal documents where I have to officially, legally decide and declare the person's cause of death.  It's quite a responsibility.  And my SHO (i.e. the person who is two years ahead of me and claims to remember what it was like to be in my situation) was very unsupportive.  We were warned on our first day that we shouldn't do the first ones alone.  That we should have someone talk us through it, and help us come to a decision about the cause of death.  He just flatly refused to do this.  And I was having the office bleeping me because the family of one of the deceased was refusing to leave until they had the certificate.  And so I pestered the SHO more to come down, and he suggested that I stay on the ward and he goes and does it.  How am I supposed to learn?  So I said no to that.  You would have thought I was asking him to give up a kidney or something.  Such a battle, then he only helped me with one, and refused to let me stay to do the other two.  Such a battle!  It shouldn't be this way.  Next time, I'll know not to even bother asking for his help on the certificates. 
• Along with death certificates, comes cremation forms.  Again, a legal document to say you have identified the body, that you don't think they died in even a remotely suspicious way (both these things can't be checked once a person is cremated!!) and you also have to declare if they have pacemakers (blow up cremetoriums if left in the body), metal work (e.g. from broken bones) or radioactive implants (can be bad to the health of cremetorium staff).  You can be held liable if something goes wrong with any of these things, so it is a huge responsiblity, which we were again told we should have our SHOs guide us through and help us with.  My SHO flatly refused, so I had to blunder my way through.  One of them had very limited notes, so I couldn't in all honesty say that they didn't have any non-human bits in them.  I was really worried and concerned about this and unsure what to do.  My SHO's advice?  "You're not confident, you have to get some confidence and just get on with it, we don't have time for this".  Not in anyway helpful.  Fortunately, I've adopted several other SHOs to go to for advice and managed to work something out.  But since I had three to do, they did take time.  My SHO's response - bleep me and ask me where I am (despite me having told him) and then ask if they can wait, since we had so much to do.  Well, no, I've already put it off for three days because of trying to get answers and help.  It's not fair on grieving relatives for me to put their funeral plans on hold indefinitely until I found some time.  But on the positive side, I do get paid for my crem forms (in addition to my usual salary) so at least my stress and worry isn't completely unrewarded.  Although, I do feel slightly guilty profiting from someone else's death, even if indirectly.
• Four consultant ward rounds, getting to know people's styles, preferences, way of doing things.  Four consultant ward rounds where my SHO in his attempt to look good in front of the consultants, has excluded me from them so that I can get the next patients notes ready, xrays and scans up and blood test results up.  I there to learn.  This is the only time I'm with the consultants and he excludes me from going to see them.  And then I get moaned at by radiologist and microbiologist, because I do the requests and prescribing, but often I don't really know why, because I wasn't able to hear the conversations had between the consultant and the patient.
• One drunken walk home by myself, after Thursday drinks out with my fellow F1s where I tried drowning my SHO stress out with a little too much wine.  (And for the record, no, no hangover, just not enough to eat, because didn't really have the time).
• One talk with a consultant late Friday night, who had noticed I was upset on the ward round (had been hiding in an office, crying on the ward clerk's shoulder because I had just been sent on a wild goose chase by my SHO and then humiliated by him in front of said consultant, thought I was composed enough to go back, but clearly wasn't).  I wanted to hug this guy.  He was so sweet, and he was talking things through, and telling me that it was a shame that I had to start on this ward, because it is so crazy and doesn't let up.  But he wants me to enjoy it and learn and benefit from it.  And was there anything that he could do to help.  I think just talking was help enough.  And I explained about the death certificates, crem forms, other issues and the ward round that had just made me feel really bad about myself and my abilities and that I just didnt feel I was supported or able to learn.  It's nice to have been able to talk about it, and he's going to have a word with my SHO, and hopefully, things will improve.
• One slice of chocolate cake from a patient's wife, who had brought it in for him, but he didn't want.  And I work so hard and deserved a treat!   People can be so lovely and it's the small things that brighten up life.
• Twice "just in case" boxes prescribed.  Annoying amounts of paper work, and depressing intentions.  It's a set of medications sent home with a palliative patient so that if they get pain, nausea etc, then they have medications that a district nurse can set up and help them with.
• One failed male catheterisation - and then a mini-lecture/discussion from the consultant urologist as to where I was going wrong (in his opinion, as he didn't actually see me try!).  Apparenly not, errmmm, straightening things up and out enough, typical girl being too gentle!  But good tip and learning point.
• One finished sweater and one nearly finished cowl, accidently (on purpose of course!! ;)) twisted.  But three days when I was just simply too exhausted to knit.  Which is sad.
• One dinner out with my flat mate and fellow ward F1.  No one understands what I'm going through more than her.  And when, one night, we were both still there on the ward after 8, she suggested we treat ourselves to an opportunity to unwind.  It was a lovely Italian restuarant, where the waiter flirted outrageously with my engaged flatmate and ended up giving us free lemoncello!  It was just what we needed.
• Three episodes of falling asleep on the sofa whilst watching things on my laptop, despite having always laughed at my parents for doing this (in front of the telly) routinely every night.  How quickly these things change!  I really will have to start thinking about sticking to better hours, and not trying to stay up watching stuff. 
• One trip to see Toy Story 3 in 3D last weekend.  Cute but not as good as I was expecting according to the hype.
• One chance to graffiti a fellow human's body with a permenant marker, outlining a rash to check it doesn't continue to spread.  She was a lovely patient and thought it halirious as I sat an doodled and tried to make sure I was doing an acurate outline, despite bad light.
• One trip to Starbucks for a hot chocolate on this rainy Saturday morning and a chance to check up on blogs and facebook.

And here I am, yawning but cozy and content that I don't HAVE to do anything for another day and a half.  Life is crazy busy, but as I said to the consultant, I really am passionate about being here and doing this, and it will take time to settle, I keep on forgetting that it's been less than two weeks.  I still have times when I'm really enjoying myself, which makes up for the times of extreme stress.

Hope you all have a good week!  And until next week, bye-bye!

On being required to be Superwoman

I have now completed three days of "independent" work, and have come to the conclusion that I am expected to have about five clones, working in sync with me, all communicating from a single brain to co-ordinate it all.  I was warned this was coming, so I'm not entirely surprised, but I didn't think it would be quite to this extreme.  I knew I'd be busy, and out of my depth and feel overwhelmed.  But I feel very busy, very out of my depth and very very very VERY overwhelmed. 

It's been a hectic three days, where I've barely had time to stop.  And by and large, I've been by myself about half the time.  My middle grade doctors have been having their various induction days and the consultants have been off doing, well, whatever mysterious things that consultants do, leaving me, very green to it all, by myself.  Which can be fine.  I'm a glorified secretary, I mainly sit and push a lot of paper around and play on the computer.  But when there's a genuine problem with a REAL person, it becomes scary.  I've spent longer than I care to admit at medical school and apparently I have so much knowledge floating around in my head, but it's true what they say, you don't really learn the practical things at uni.  And I suppose the hardest thing that you can't really get taught at uni is how to prioritise things.  I have issues with patients that I'm not sure how to deal with, paperwork being shoved in my face, requests to go and see this person, results of tests been handed to me, telephone calls from GPs about patients who came and went from the ward before I started, and my middle grade doctors giving me an ever growing list (well, orders, that I sit and list, and try not to loose said list).  And my brain tells me that the priority is to hide and flush my bleep down the toilet so no one can find me (apparently, like cockroaches, they would be able to survive nuclear armagedon) and cover my head with my arms.  But a small voice of reason somewhere reminds me that this actually won't be helpful.  So I do what I can, going by the moto of I'll try spread the disappointment of those relying on me around, so that my incompetence is not wholy apparent to anyone but me.  And I just hope that I'll improve quickly and eventually feel like I'm on top of it.  I definitely feel like I'm in a leaking boat, just bailing out the water with a teaspoon.  My spoon needs to grow and then eventually, I'll be in the position to plug the leak and all will be plain sailing.  And for those worrying about how this all sounds, yes, it is dangerous, and tettering on a knife's edge.  I am aware about this as are the powers that be, and I've just got to improve as quick as I can, because that's what I've signed on for.

And most of all, I'm saddened by how quickly I've become jaded by it all.  Reading this back, one would think I've been working for three months, not three days.

But it's not all bad.  Here are the good points:

• I still get a buzz from answering the phone/introducing myself as Dr van Tonder.  Every little time, my heart beats that little faster and I get a little smile.  It's becoming gradually less surreal, but that little moment of happiness reminds me that I'm still here by choice, and it's something I've wanted so hard for so long.  And it reminds me that no matter how bad it is, there's really no place I'd rather be.
• I'm meeting some fantastic people.  The nurses have been brilliant and I have even had a cup of tea and biscuits brought to me whilst I was sitting in front of the computer, when at 3pm I mentioned in passing that I hadn't had lunch yet (and I didn't!  Went home at 8.30(!!!) and was too exhausted to think about food for a good half hour of sitting staring into space and then calling my mom!)
• There really is no better place than a hosptial to people watch and see such a fantastic cross section of society and really find out about them.  People are truely fascinating, and so utterly capable of surprising you with the most unexpected things.  Patients are more honest, more open and to some extent, more vulnerable - you tend to see the "real"(ish) them.
• My fellow F1s are a great bunch of people.  Supportive (my ward/job is notoriously the worst in the hospital, so I get a lot of sympathy) of my stress, and very social.  We went out to dinner this week with them and some of the F2s and we had a bbq with crazy no-rule, no-score volleyball over a hedge.  It's nice to have a life outside the hospital and they are the best way of doing that in this strange unknown little town.
• Knitting - yup, where would I be without this?  I have found a shop that has a reasonable range of wool, and I have finally found a suitable yarn for the sweater that my friend Mary picked a pattern out for back in March.  She found a lovely quick pattern.  So much so that I am most likely to finish it later today, despite the busy week and having only started it last Saturday evening.
• I had a letter yesterday from the hospital (I stay in hospital accommodation) saying they are sorry for the poor state of the housing and that they have initiated an improvement scheme.  I'm hoping this means they'll install internet, so I don't have to drag my laptop to starbucks everytime I want to surf decently (the 3G is a bit hit and miss in my flat for my iPhone not to be frustrating to surf on).  And further to this, to help restore our confidence in them, they have decided to give us a month free of rent.

Yup, it's been a funny old week.  It's more or less what I expected but at the same time, nothing like what I was expecting.  I'm a bit like a zombie at the moment, but I'm sure this will improve and this is just mainly due to adjusting to the new things in my life. I'm so glad for my weekend off to recuperate and think of an action plan and how I'm going to improve next week.

The future of this blog...

Someone asked me recently what was going to happen with this blog of mine.  And to answer truthfully, I haven't decided yet.  I really enjoyed recording and sharing my life over the last year(ish), so I'd like to continue that.  However, when I'm working 50 hour weeks (despite those silly EU directives) will I have the energy?  The answer is most likely to be no, and most certainly not with the frequency that I have been doing so (last month aside!).  And the other issue is the fact that much of what happens in those 50hours will be things I can't discuss because of confidentiality, regardless of how much I need or want to vent, I just won't be able to without it becoming a slippery slope of saying too much.  And then, those few hours I have outside of work, I'm sure I'll be enjoying them, and living life, but they might not necessarily give an accurate portrayal of me and who I am, being so leisure heavy.  I loved sharing my crafting, but I am more than just that.  And I don't want to do a blog that's about just one aspect of my life, because that was never the purpose of me doing thi.

And then there's the simple aspect of the title of this blog.  No longer a medical student.  So at the very least it's inaccurate, and part of me wonders if I should make a clean break and just start a new one for this new chapter of my life.  Or maybe just change the title of this blog, and continue the book of my life,

I suppose ultimately whatever happens will happen organically.  There's just not much point in trying to plan it too meticulously.  Suffice it to say that life is so very exciting at the moment, and I'm in a very positive place and there's so much to say.  I feel very alive, and the stress and heart break of this past year has been worth it.  And now I have a beautiful, and sometimes bittersweet, reminder of it all in the form of the posts that have accumulated.

So I open it up to anyone out there who cares to share their opinions. 

Catching up... again

It's been ages.  And quite a tough stressful ages.  The car issue has been dragged out and I've been back in Bristol, dealing with the stress of sorting it all out and dealing with it all alone.  I know that this is a decision that I have made for myself, and I honestly don't mind, but I don't think I've ever felt it as much as I have over the last couple of weeks.  I have been in touch with my friends and family loads, but knocking around my flat by myself, time has dragged, and the loneliness dreadful.  I've felt so restless at times and so trapped at others.  I've wanted to scream and then cry.  You'll be glad to know that I haven't!  But I've felt like it!

But in amongst it all there have been positive moments, with the support of my wonderful friends.  So here it is, the story of the last few weeks.

The car:  I ended up accompanying the car, on a flat bed truck, to the insurance appointed garage, which was beyond Bristol.  Fortunately, the very lovely recovery truck driver gave me a lift back to Gloucester, from where I was able to jump on a bus and get back to Cheltenham, at the end of a very long day.  The burnt smell of the airbags lingering on me, all I wanted to do was shower and wash my hair.  And then just curl up in a ball and sleep.  I resisted the urge though, and instead went out for dinner with my coursemates, to celebrate the end of our time in Cheltenham.  I think getting out and about was good for me, to be surrounded by people and to have some distraction.

Thursday, I did allow myself to wallow.  I was suddenly hurt.  I'm not sure if it was a seatbelt injury, or if it was from holding myself tensely and shivering and shaking so much the previous day.  But I was so very sore across my chest.  And exhausted, I had barely slept.  So I stayed at home, did a little knitting, watched some stuff on my laptop and then ended up sleeping all afternoon.  Then we went out to dinner as a flat, a final bonding experience for the three of us, who had individually gone through so much in that flat, that we had shared and supported each other through.  I'm so glad to have bonded such lovely girls who I'm sure we will always look back at our time fondly and be grateful for.

Friday brought new adventures - driving again.  I had a courtesy car from my insurance company.  And I was dreading driving.  First time after my crash and also because I've hardly driven any other car since I learnt to drive.  Pleased to say, in a slightly strange, lacking kind of way, it was fine.  It was just driving.  Once I was in the car, it was almost as if nothing had happened.  One of my friends agreed to come back to Bristol with me, to act as some morale support and as a very soothing, calming influence.  And she was wonderful.  Thanks Charlotte.

And life goes on... it was back to work at the weekend.  And then the nightmare of sorting it all out.  Last week Tuesday was an overwhelming day.
1)  I learnt that the driver of the other car is making a personal claim, via a very snooty, aggressive, intimidating letter.  (Which luckily, I have legal cover with the insurance, so all I had to do was forward the letter onto the insurance company and let them deal with it all, so glad about that).  I was very upset and thrown by this letter, but I have been reassured by everyone that it's just par for the course following an accident these days.
2)  I found out about my jobs.  I will be spending the first two years if my working life in Yeovil, a place I've never been to before.  I will be doing the following rotations: F1 - endocrinology; gastric surgery; general medicine.  F2 - GP (mmmm, not something I really wanted); trauma & orthopaedics (something I wanted even less!) and finally Obstetrics and gynaecology (yay, at least I got this!).  I'm sure these two years will be full of all sorts of adventures and learning experiences
3)  The engineer from my insurance company phoned to confirm that the car is a definite write off and to let me know how much I will be receiving.

In amongst this all - the slightly more positives.
My birthday - was on a Sunday.  Was lovely and lazy, full of loving messages, and a evening meal at a pan-Asian buffet in town with some of my friends.
Uni - am currently spending four weeks doing a GP audit.  I have collected my data and then trying to get motivated enough to start writing up the results!
Knitting - Ru wristwarmers are finished.  And so are two gorgeous vests for two lovely little girls.  And now I'm busy working on a lacey scarf for Farrah, using one of the balls of hand dyed that I painted at the workshop.
Friends - random pancake evenings, random relaxing at home, watching 24, playing on the Wii, and general distractions
Visits - the Clarks came and spent an evening with me last weekend.  I crazy, busy, joyous afternoon and evening.  My little flat hasn't had that much noise in weeks combined.  It was great, and just what I needed.  Company.  We didn't do very much, we went shopping (much to the girl's horror, and only redeemed by going to the best toy shop ever!), and a lazy dinner of naan bread pizzas, and all things yarn!  It was lovely, thanks guys, and we have to do it again!

And I think that is a fairly brief summary of things.  I'm still waiting for the cheque to come through, the insurance company have had some silly delays caused by people going on holiday without filing reports.  I'm hoping to get it in the next couple of days.  And then I'm hoping to go home to Derby for a long weekend, to see my parents before they go off on holiday over Easter and to have some company to cheer me up.  I need the soothing, cathartic influence of being around those I love.

And now, some photos:
Firstly, the yarn all dried and looking so amazing, I'm so proud of my creativity and can't wait to see what it all turns out like when knitted.

Sock yarn - pink with purple lowlights

Sock yarn - much brighter green than originally intended

Final sock yarn

Silk hankie

DK for Sarah, was supposed to be turquoise and purple, but ended up blue and purple

DK in gold and earthy red tones

Scrumptious Lace (45% silk, 55% merino) in semisolid plummy colour

Scrumptious Chunky in various shades of blue, purple and red

Ru's wristwarmer's - it's very difficult to take a photo of both your hands when you're by yourself!

Playing with my new toy, a wool winder

Getting ready to start Farrah's scarf

Little vests:

Close up of Jenna's armholes, unintended two tone as I was sooooo close to running out of wool

And they fit!

And finally, my flat being filled with people

The girls helped me wind the left over wool from Morgi's vest and made just-for-her wool of Sarah's.  And not the DVDs aren't all neatly lined up.  Apparently best game in my flat for little bean hands is to pull them all off the shelves until you're sitting in a pile bigger than you!

Apparently wool-winders are great toys for all ages, not just for me!

Just looking through these photos and it amazes me just how busy and full the last few weeks have been, filled with so much bad and yet so much good.  No wonder I feel drained and not myself.  Such a rollercoaster.  But I suppose that's just life...

Back in stinky Cheltenham

No, it actually does stink, well, in the kitchen at least (full bin and crazy heating.... mmmm, tasty smells there!)

So the delights of being back to Cheltenham, and after a weekend of... well, not much.  I'm really finding it hard to think of things to talk about here that aren't tedious running commentries of my life or moans that I've already had. 

Work was work.  Actually a very barable shift.  Nice patients, nice nurses, enough work to keep me busy and not twiddling my thumbs but not too busy to actually get everything done whilst still chatting to patients.  So that was good.  I honestly really find it hard to say that I enjoy work, I just don't find it a particularly rewarding job, it's just a means to an end.  And it makes me crave being a doctor and doing what I feel passionate about all the more.

This morning I finally got round to getting out of bed early enough to go to my local CofE church, as part of my quest to find a church that will give me what I need/want/think I need out of church.  It was a nice short walk up there, listening to the bells.  Very old school traditional!  It was Candlemas today, so it was interesting to see, as I've never been to a Candlemas  before, but I suppose it wasn't their usual sort of service, so I think I will try to make it back next week and try a more run of the mill kind of mass.  There was a lot of pomp and ceremony, which I do find a little needless in Christianity.  But I did get to take communion, for the first time in years, so that was nice, as I do believe it is an important part of church and practising Christianity.  I definitely left the church feeling very moved, relaxed and content.  I don't know if I learnt anything necessarily faith-strengthening, but I did enjoy it, and I'm hoping next week will be good too.  And they were very friendly and welcoming, so that definitely counts in their favour.

And finally, the wristwarmer is still not done, but very nearly.  I'm just debating on the length of the palm part, but hopefully will finish that tomorrow, along with the thumb, which shouldn't take too long at all.  So yipee, nearly half way!

 

(not entirely sure why I looks so shocked and dazed in this pic... I took it, I knew it was coming... lol!)

 

Two days without posting

I've officially broken my trend.  I had blogged pretty much everyday since I began, until this weekend... and there's not even a proper reason for it.  I went to Bristol, and finished the socks as documented in my previous post.  And then I made Harry's hat, the only model for which was me:

Another delightful pic of me taken (mainly due to laziness) with my webcam

I crocheted the hat.  It look about a day - I'd forgotten how absolutely simple this pattern was and how quickly it came together.  So I was really happy about that.  I've made this pattern for Harry about 4 or 5 times before, and I think that he's managed to loose them all along the way - not sure if he'll ever learn, or me for that matter, I do keep on making them!  I had to be a bit inventive this time.  He wanted a thinner wool (pattern calls for bulky/chunky) so I went for an aran weight and increased the pattern repeats, and actually managed to get it right, first time!  So yay for me, about adventurous as I've ever gotten with modifying patterns!

And now I'm on to making the wristwarmers for Ru.  I haven't got very far, the pattern uses a chart, something I've never done before, and I had a few queries about it, and obviously had to trawl the net for answers as I didn't bother bringing The Knitter's Bible.  Looking forward to the challenge.

Work on Saturday was about as exciting as I was expecting.  I was bored out of my wits, and got glared at and made to do menial, non-essential things when I dared get the crochet out (despite the fact they were all surfing the net and checking hotmail!).  So I took the hint and sat around staring off into space instead.  Oh well, I was at work after all, so it's bordering on being cheeky to sit there crocheting.  The times I've knitted have all be night shifts, so I obviously can get away with it more then!

Sunday was a bit of a write off.  I really wanted to get up and go to one of the local churches, but switched my alarm off and promptly feel asleep again... oops.  But I've been so tired, I've not been getting amazing sleep in here at Cheltenham, so it was definintely a case of catching up on it all!  When I did eventually get out of bed, I decided I'd go have breakfast (well, brunch!) at the local cafe, so I could sit with the free wi-fi and focus on finishing ranking my jobs.  Which I'd almost done when my laptop run out of juice and I didn't have anywhere near my table to plug in, and changing tables wasn't an option since they were packed (in fact people were kinda glaring at me for taking up a four seater table!).  So I ambled home and finished ranking there.  So glad to get it out of the way.  Now it's just a case of waiting about three weeks and I find out what jobs I have.

Then following having Harry and Claire round briefly so he could pick up the hat (and very generously pay for the yarn - yay, so it was guilt free wool shopping!), I decided to follow up on an idea that Sarah gave me last week.  I roasted a chicken, and had a lovely roast dinner, something I generally don't get round to doing as it's such a waste when I live alone.  And now I've got loads of leftovers to do stuff with.  I had a jacket potato with lemon-mayo chicken, I'm going to do a salad with the other breast, and then make up some soup with whatever's left over.  I may yet be able to get another meal out of whatever other meat is left over before I make the soup.  It was a really good idea - it works out quite cheaply (even splashed out on an organic/free range chicken), I have meal plans for most of the week, and I had a nice easy to think up shopping list.  So it really ticks a lot of the food rules boxes.  So thanks very much Sarah.

And then a quick dish wash and back to Cheltenham.  Had a really busy day today - 9 to 6.  So absolutely knackered right now.  It was a fairly good day.  I was with the consultant who had lead our ethics teaching last week and pretty much the first thing he said to me was that I had had a lot to say last week... I guess I was memorable!  Lol!  Not that I had several arguements or anything like that during ethics!  Lol!  He's quite a nice consultant and made sure I got to see lots and get a bit involved with the team.  In the afternoon, we spent time in the radiotherapy session, which was cool, as it's something I hadn't done before, and I was able to see all the stages.  I like to do things like that, then if I'm ever asked by patients, then at least I can have some grasp of what goes on. 

The most exciting thing to happen this weekend was when I got "chatting" to someone on Ravelry about the socks, and I had a look at her stash, and man did it make me lust.  She's got this huge stash of absolutely gorgeous yarns.  So I complemented her a bit and then we got chatting a bit about where to get wool.  And then she randomly asked for my postal address so she could send me some of her hand-dyed alpaca.  I'm so touched by the kindness of strangers.  She was so gracious about it, and wants absolutely nothing in return.  Can't wait to get back to Bristol and see what it is that she'll send. :)

And here I am... ready for bed.  Not a very exciting weekend, so I'm hoping for a better week!

Mmm, a day of contrasts

After a super late night last night, we had a surprisingly early morning with a phone call before 9am!  Needless to say, we both went back to sleep after this!  Then we had a perfectly leisurely Saturday morning, going to the local cafe, meeting up with some people, having brunch, reading the Saturday papers, having random political discussions.  Just really chilled.

Then I found a new project to knit... well, a new project to add to the growing list.  Harry wants me to make him a hat, which I've promised will be my next project once I've finished with the socks.  And then, Ru would like me to make her some wristwarmers.  It was originally going to be gloves, an idea which I wasn't very confident about, since I've tried to make gloves before and they weren't 100% successful.  Most likely because they had seams and were for kids, so the seams were proportionally very bulky.  So at a push I was willing to attempt an adult pair, in perhaps thinner wool.  But when we were browsing through some patterns, Ru was quite taken by some wristwarmers, which I'm more confident about.  It's a really amazing looking pattern, so I'm really looking forward to knitting them.  And of course this lead to a deliemma.  And a trip to temptation central.  We went wool shopping, and it was so wonderful.  I had to resist some serious temptations (which I did successfully) made even harder by the fact a lot of the ones I liked were in the sale.  Darn!  Anyhows, the real dilemma was that I brought the wool.  Just days after saying I wasn't going to buy anymore for a while.  Oooops!  But it was for a good cause...

Then it was off to work for me.  It was a strange shift.  It was quite laidback and not very busy.  But there were some seriously annoying patients.  Two in particular.  Both quite young, and both I wanted to slap for being annoying.  But noooo, you have to be nice to the sick guys.  One was pretty much projectile vomitting just a few minutes before dinner, then decided it was a good idea to down a glass of apple juice, despite us nursing staff saying we didn't think it was a good idea.  And sure enough, up came the apple juice and then some.  And it wasn't just that he was being like this, it was the fact that he insisted on standing over the toilet, rather than bending down (yeah, I know, too much info, but you can see my frustration), resulting in an utter mess all over the toilet and floor.  Which of course muggins here had to clean.  And there's so much infectious gastroenteritis (diarrhoea and vomitting) going round, that now I'm really paranoid that he might have it just starting and thus he'll have spread it to the rest of the ward, and worse still, to me.  So I wasn't particularly amused.  And there was another HCA working (i.e. the same position as me) who decided it was a good idea to patronise me.  This is one of my biggest beefs in life.  I'm not stupid, and I'm not inexperienced.  Don't talk down to me.  It is not the way to create a happy Ashleigh and thus a good working relationship.  And then she spent a lot of the shift (badly) whistling out of tune.  Very annoying and I couldn't really say anything to her.  It made for a very long, boring, frustrating shift.  But at least there wasn't too much physical labour involved.  Anyways, rant over.  They did let me go 10mins early, so can't complain too much!

And then I learnt of Sarah's stressful day, which made me really wish I could be there for her, and give her a great big hug, and offer my support.  So my dear, I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.  As I've said so much of late, you and your wonderful family are so special to me, and I would hate to think of something bad happening.  My love to you all, my prayers are with you and an extra special hug for the one person in this world who calls me "Ackseigh" and greats me so warmly when I come round. 

Slippery Saturday

So work... well, have to admit wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I thought I'd do the responsible thing and research bus routes and timetables this morning and was happily surprised to find out that there was a bus that runs from just outside my flat to about a minutes walk from the hospital.  Yipee, minimising time spent shivering at cold icy bus stops.  And quicker home.  The ice was something crazy.  Down Gloucester Road, the pavement was fairly clear, but near the hospital they were nightmarishly slippery.  Really thought I was gonna end up on my bottom and covered in bruises.  Fortunately, somehow managed to regain my balance and continue on, paying even closer attention to my steps.

Work was interesting as only work can be... confused old man proclaiming very loudly "You are detaining me with a clamp... on my face" repeatedly much to the irritation of the other patients.  And there was very little we could do.  When ever we tried to talk to him or console him, he just got more aggitated.  And then there was the patient who wanted me to help ease his constipation in a somewhat manual way... they don't pay me nearly enough to even have that conversation let alone do it!  Yuk!  And you thought it was only kids that say weird things. 

I'm a bit conflicted with my knitting at the moment.  I brought myself a new hot water bottle, with the intention of making a cover for it.  But I'm so busy with the socks (not huge amounts of progress there today, but some!).  I decided to kinda make up a pattern (basically it's a couple of rectangles with some cables thrown in for good measure) and use up with some of the wool left over from RoRo's aran cardi.  But what do I do?  I obviously wanna use the hot water but not likely to finish the cover anytime soon.  Maybe I'll finish the first sock then quickly do the hot water bottle cover.  Anyways, this is hardly world defining stuff, so I can't belive that I managed to write a whole paragraph about it.  My life is really that mundane at the moment!

And finally, today's sock progress, taken again with the webcam due to pure laziness!  I have done quite a bit more, all things considered, although it doesn't really look like a huge amount.

Another quiet day

Not much to say about today.  I spent it in a very similar way to the last couple.  I'm getting very bored of this rubbish cold weather, although being forced to not do very much is a bit like having the holiday break that I missed out on over the Christmas break through being ill.  It's been lovely and relaxing, and for a change my flat is actually looking fairly neat and tidy.  Well, I did say fairly! I still have masses of paperwork everywhere that I really do need to sort through and file, which I've been putting off for ages, despite the best of intentions to keep on top of it all!  But I did vaccum, I'm on top of dishes, the wool and various other crafting stuff is neatly packed away (besides the current project clearly!). 

I did wonder out for a little while, as I thought a walk and some fresh air would do me good.  I decided to go to a local oriental market on Gloucester Road that usually does fresh sushi on Friday afternoons, but they had either sold out really early or didn't do it today, which was frustrating.  And ultimately I really should have gone out as I ended up buying some more wool.  It is sock/4 ply and is hand dyed and absolutely gorgeous.  Couldn't be bothered to take a photo, so here is an idea of what it is like (an image I knicked off google image search, so sorry if this has offended anyone).  It was too gorgeous to resist and I found it quite cheap somewhere (well cheap compared to prices I've seen on American websites).  But that's it, I really am going to resist the urge to buy any more yarn until I've used up all the stuff I've brought recently, and perhaps even made a dent in some of the stash I was showing off yesterday!  This is an expensive addiction which has to stop! 

Tonorrow is going to force me to really face the world again tomorrow, I've got a shift booked.  And I'm really annoyed about it.  It's not at the hospital that I usually HCA at.  It's at one that's at the other end of town.  And it's going to mean two buses, in each direction, with no simple connection linking the two.  Which will be wonderful at 9 o'clock at night after my shift in sub-freezing temperatures.  This particular hospital is one where I've refused to work at for a few years now, following some awful shifts there, and due to the extra effort that it would take to get there.  It just never felt worth it.  But work has changed the way we book shifts, and I no longer have a choice.  Which is very frustrating.  They've taken out all the flexiblity that made the job so useful.  I really wish I was in the situation where I could tell them where to shove it.  But I can't.  I need the money, now more so than ever before, so that I can be organised and not have to work too near exams.  This sucks!  Grrr!  Part of me has really wanted to cancel this particular shift, but I would feel somewhat guilty as I know in this bad weather, people are struggling to get to work, and I really shouldn't make such a fuss as we are there for the patients.  And I really do need that money.  Oh why, oh why do we have to be slaves to money?

Progress on the socks?  Well, again since I couldn't be bothered to photo it properly, I found an alternative by taking a rubbish-ish photo using my laptop's webcam.  But here is how sock number one is coming along:

I've finished the leg bit, done the heal flap, turned the heal and am busy working on the "gusset" (all these new terms that I'm learning!)