A week in Derby... and a week in Yeovil

Back on the trains, nine days later... Nine days sounds like so long, but it's really not! It's flown by all too quickly. I wish I could have turned it in to longer. Which is ridiculous, I hardly have a demanding or tiring rotation at the moment. But maybe that's the problem, I know that this week has speed by because I have been so busy and surrounded by those I hold so dear, and I'm heading back towards something which I'm not fully enjoying. It's so silly, I find myself quite conflicted about my feelings towards GP land. It's not what I want to do, I don't want to be there, I'm frustrated by the buses and how expensive they are, my budget is being gobbled up by spending nearly £40 a week on buses plus the couple of misadventures when I've missed my bus and had to pay for a very expensive taxi. And I miss being at the hospital really badly. I miss being hecticly busy, and getting stuck in. I prefer the roles and responsibilities placed on me by hospital practice. And I miss the comeradery if being there, being able to unwind with my contemporaries and the banter you engage in with the nurses, physios, pharmacists and all those people. I get annoyed by my lack of knowledge and constantly (or so it seems) having to ask for help. Yet I don't actually have anything to complain about. Everyone in GP land is very sweet and accommodating, and I do enjoy parts of it, like the variety and the different types of patients - it's fun to do a little paeds. Yet it's by far the least passion I've had for any of my rotations, leaving me sitting here on this train, sad that I'm finished my week of annual leave and that tomorrow I'll be back at work.

....

And then another week later - kinda forgot to finish this post.

So Derby:

 You can just about make out the huge spider and beyond - all the apples wasted during the 3 weeks my parents were away.

 My exciting parcel, all squidged down, was:

 Half a coloured Ryeland shearling fleece, completely raw and ready to be worked on.

 The first soak (and my toes!)

 Disgusting and slightly smelly water after the first soak.

 Subsequent soaks getting clearer.

 I got a chance to finish the sweater for Conner.

And knitted a whole lace shawlette for my gran as part of TGCC.  Here's an early shot.

I spent many long but all too quick hours at Sarah's, with her family and Emma and Connor.  It was such a special time, and something I hold so dear.  To just be, in calm chaotic companionship.  We knitted, gossiped, drank endless cups of tea, went for walks with the girls, did a little cooking, a little cleaning and laundry... And apparently, reading that back, somewhere along the way turned into our mothers!  We also went swimming.  I went to the cinema twice, once with my Mum, as a girls night out when my dad was away overnight for work, and then with Jenna, to give her a chance to do something fun and uninterupted by little people.  I went for a lovely dinner with my wonderful Sam (and there may have been other people there, I forget now! ;)).  Really quite busy with simple nothingness.

And on the Saturday, a special muddy and at times very wet walk with so many of my nearest and dearest.

The Attenborough Nature Reserve - a place for the designing of mischief and meyhem.

 E.g. the grownups getting stuck up trees.

 A place where you have to dress appropriately...

... For puddle stomping...

 ...Saying hello to horses...

... Picnicking...

 ... and tickles...

 Feeding...

 ...and then chasing ducks...

 Adults who don't dress appropriately for these activities will do so at their own risk!

 We did find safer ways to feed the ducks.

 And at the end of it all... well there were smiles all round and everyone survived!

And then we headed back to Sarah's for a nice warming cup of tea, and dress up, for which Kev was very indulgent!

And I wonder why I sit on the train lamenting the end of my annual leave!  But life goes on, but with happy, warm fuzzy feeling inducing memories to keep me going until I next get to see everyone.  Thanks. :)

Derby Healing (Post of the day 1)

Okay, so here's the deal.  I've just checked when I last posted and it was well over a week ago.  Man, it started so well.  And for a change, it isn't actually because I've lacked things to talk about.  I agree, it's partly because I've been feeling so out of it and in a... erm, how shall I put it?  A funny mood?  But I'm determined to get myself out of it, and I know that being in Derby has gone a long way to get me started on that front.  So... anyways, the afore mentioned deal is that I'm going to attempt to put up two posts today.  The first all about Derby, and the second a quick catch up about what else has been going on.  That is, if I can remember all of Derby coherently!  It's been a while!

Thursday: a little bit of a lie in (whatelse is new!?) and then after rattling round the empty house, I decided to gate crash Sarah's.  And I walked!  (surprisingly on 32mins door to door, why did I never think to do it before?).  Just the quiet, loud, peace chaos of having little people running around.  Even if they are sleepy and are thus just perfect for long snuggly cuddles when Mummy needs the loo!:

(hehe, sorry for stealing the photo Sarah, but it's cute!!)
And then there was good food, crafting talk and doing, catching up.  And just being.  Sarah is very good at letting me do this.  Just being.  It's hard to describe.  It's nothing "special" in particular but it's perfection in stillness and unwinding (just spent ages searching for the right word, and I'm still not happy, but that will have to do!).  I don't feel the pressure to be anything but myself.  Which sounds like a stupid statement.  Do I really go through life not being myself?  No, not really.  But I'm usually a label, myself, but a particular version of it.  A medical student.  A nursing assistant.  Enthusiastic about going out.  Alone but not minding.  Crowded but not minding.  Running around.  But in these quiet moments (well, it's quiet in a different way, I mean, come on, how quiet can you be with three littles running around!?) I'm none of those labels.  And it's so good for me to stop, and be unlabelled!  And I always feel calmer and safe and more at peace from my life's stress after these times.  I'm not forced to be something, and always being something is draining.  I need a break, but I don't always realise it. 

And before I realised it, it was late.  Where had the time gone?!  And a very kind Martin drove me home.  But not before I had started to make plans for a very busy Friday.

Friday:  Met Emma and Connor at 1pm for some lunch and a wonder around some shops.  A lovely catch up and time to spend with two very dear and special people to me.  Even if the poor loves were both feeling under the weather following a nasty cold.  I can't believe how much Connor has grown.  And he's so lovely, so smilely and ready to give me his very biggest grin!  Aww, how can I resist such charm! 

Then we met up with a solo Sarah, whilst Martin took the girls to a dad's group.  Girlie day out!  Going wool shopping and wool-lusting.  Picking out colours for new projects, and in my case picking up wool for the sake of it.... well, because it was on special, and they were both yarns I have been wanting to try out... now what to do with them!?  And going to tea and cake.  Can't remember the last time we did this.  Just the three (and a bit) of us. 

And then time to tag team out friends, and meet more!  Lol!   My hot sexy SamSam (hehehe! ;) hehe!)  and Simon.  Dinner at Nandos, with sangria, then back to Sam's for more sangria, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble and Buzz.  Lots of giggles and chatting and catching up with Sam.  Trying to get me tipsy!  lol!  Until Kev came home and again it was a case of a day that flew by.  And again, a lovely beautiful day of contrasts and such a wonderful reminder of why I'm so lucky.  I have such amazing friends, who all bring out something different in me, and know so well how to keep me entertained and to cheer me up about all the recent events.

Saturday:  I had originally planned to go to dinner at Sarah's again, and have a little bit of a games night.  But I was getting the distinct impression that my parents were getting miffed about me coming home and STILL not seeing them!  So, I cancelled dinner and did the dutiful thing of staying in and relaxing with them.  Laughing with my mum in the kitchen as we washed up and got things ready for a birthday meal for my aunt.  Awww... I will miss them not being around when I go back to Derby for Easter.  It will be so strange being in their house without them.  But I'm sure I'll cope.

Sunday:  Family day of note!  Grandparents, aunt, cousin, parents.  Tasty roast.  I never get round to doing roasts for just me.  I ate so much that I never got round to having pudding, even though mums made a very tasty (looking) pavlova and a sticky toffee pudding.  I got my laptop out and showed Gran and Hayley all my knitting and displayed all my crazy new knowledge about knitting techniques, yarn characteristics and dyeing.  I think I may have lost them.  I did get to show off my newly completed scarf for Farah.  It looks so pretty and in sunlight looks much more muted than I was expecting.  I'm dead proud on my first lace knitting attempt.  I still need to block it so that the pattern shows off properly.  But it looks a little like this:

Monday:  Story time at the library with Sarah and Emma and their respective babes.  Hehe.  Playing games like "where's Morgan?  Have you seen Morgan, Daddy?  I wonder where she's got to..." and running around with Jenna.  I love so much spending time with these kids.  I think it has a lot to do with the kid philosophy of living for the moment and making life's purpose about the pursuit of fun.  And what's wrong with that?  More tea drinking and then back to Sarahs.  On the bus for me, with a angelically behaved Jenna who asked to come along.  Only a few dodgy looks when she started talking about how everyone would be thinking "That woman came into town alone, but now, what's going on?  She's got a kid with her!"  Ermm... shhhhhhhhh Jenna!  People frown upon things like that!  I honestly haven't stolen you and your parents know where you are!  And you know where you are!  Don't make the good citizens of Derby want to lynch me!

Tuesday:  Mumsie's day off.  So quality Mumsie time.  Chilling out at home watching rubbish tv movies and nipping into town and browsing round M&S.  Such a mummy thing to do!  lol!  Only spoilt by the gaggle of chav school girls who insisted that my mother had knocked a little toddler that was with them (don't know why they had a kid with them, I'm sure most of them were in uniform).  Thing was my mum hadn't even moved her chair!  And they were really quite agressive about it.  And my mum's not really the sort who handles herself well in these situations.  They really bullied her.  Annoying bunch of little such and suchs, really upset her.

Wednesday:  Special day.  I got to see my Godmother, who I've not seen in like a decade.  It was lovely to see her.  And to feel her love and her positive effect on my parents.  She's a cousin (of some sort!) of my dad and when my parents were newly wed with little kids, and my mom's parents lived in England, she was a proxy mum for my mum.  She has a very special place in our hearts.  How lovely to still be in touch with her and for her to visit. 

And then it was time to go back to Bristol.  Already put off by a day so I could see Auntie Vonnie. 

As you may have noted, I've not mentioned my audit report.  It was really pushed to the back of my mind and instead was left as a joy for Bristol. 

Derby did exactly what I wanted and needed it to do.  It healed me.  It destressed me.  After the month I had had, I needed the love and support of my friends and family close to me.  I wasn't coping very well by myself.  I was feeling so low, and on the verge of tears that never came. And so I went back to Bristol with a lighter heart and more at peace with the crash and all it's stress.  Some good will come of it (and I think it may already have) and I needed some time, support and perspective.  And I've had that now.  I feel more relaxed about it.  I still feel very sad about it all, and obviously I wish it had never happened.  But I'm finally okay with it having happened.  I'm still not back to my normal bouncy self.  I still feel a little depressed and amotivated but it's improving.  And that's what I've got to focus on.

Escape to Derby

Now that's a phrase I never really thought I'd say!  But here I am, so relieved to be back in Derby, surrounded by my loved ones.  My cheque came today and has been duely deposited and then as fast as I could, I got my flat in order and packed up to come to Derby.  Part of me wants to say home, but I really do view Bristol as home.  My flat, my space, my rules, my life.  But at the same time... Derby does have it's charms I suppose.  And if we go by the old saying "home is where your heart is", I've very torn.  Bristol usually wins, hands down.  But as of late, with recent events, and probably the events of the last near year, Derby has edged back in.  It was where I came to heal over the summer last year, and it's where I find myself again, in need of more healing.

My mom had decided that I wasn't likely to be back today, so there was a mad rush to feed me this evening, having only got food ready for themselves.  But they were insistant that I would be eating in with them, despite Sarah's very kind and generous offer to feed me.

And there's only one slight problem.  I was supposed to have got the majority of my audit write up done before I came to Derby (plan for months, even before recent uphevels) but I've been a bit of a lazy, moppy such-and-such and haven't really made much progress on that.  Then comes the hiccup.  I've left my work in Bristol - well the data that I had collected over the last couple of weeks.  I've got my laptop (obviously) and all the background stuff I have researched, plus access to internet for anything else that I need to lookup.  It's just hard to write up results and conclusions when you don't have the data.  So I'm going to have to see how organised I can be and get as much of it as humanly possible done, so that when I get back to Bristol, I just need to spend a couple of hours on it.  I know vaguely what the data showed, so I suppose that I can just leave a bunch of blanks for specific values and fill them in later.  A bit of a hassle, but oooooh well...!

And now, off to bed.  I can't wait to get cracking tomorrow on seeing people, even though my lack of car will make it a little tricky!  I will have to familiarise myself with bus routes to friends and also do a lot more walking... mmm, but thought, didn't bring proper walking shoes... just my boots (ok, but heeled, so will hurt sooner or later) and my brown shoes, which will just have to do the job!  Ahhhh, what adventures await!

Go Ernie, Go Ernie!

Great news one and all!  I have survived the day, sanity intact!  And for the first time Ernie passed his MOT with flying colours, not even an advisory note in sight!  I am relieved beyond words to not be forking out yet another small fortune to sort out yet another list of things found wrong at the MOT.  Well, I say forking out, more like abusing the credit card and spend the next few months reliving the whole affair when the credit card statement arrived.  And I suppose I should also remind myself that whilst I didn't have to pay anything at the time of the MOT, I did get the new back tyres a couple of days ago.  Now if we can just survive until I start work, then this money thing will be less of an issue.  Roll on August!

My day mainly entailed catching buses in the freezing rain.  It was so cold this morning, after I had dropped Ernie off at the car doctors', I went to see Sam, and this meant getting into town.  My cheeks were stinging with the icy rain falling on them, it was horrible.  But I was very lucky that Sam was able to warm me up, good and toasty, with a lovely cuppa, food (steaming hot potato wedges - Sam makes the best potato wedges, she certainly has the knack! and choc cupcakes with lilac icing) and entertainment (in the form of Myst IV).  Poor lass had to put up with my streaming nose, which the cold damp weather had set to full throttle.  We also had loads fun hiding about three months worth of my toilet roll inners all around her flat for Kev to find.  I hope we came up with suitably inventive and entertaining hiding spots for him!

And then it was back to the car docs to pick up the officially certified healthy Ernie.  And after this I never really managed to warm up!  I have been absolutely freezing all evening, much to my mother's great concern, who has been fussing over my chesty cough and my inability to warm up, and the fact that I feel absolutely exhausted, despite the best night sleep I've had in about a week and not the busiest day  (but it's nice sometimes to be fussed over and feel looked after! Even if I am nearly 26).  My feet have felt like icicles hanging on the end of my feet, despite socks and slippers and being tucked up under a fleece blanket folded over double.  Brrr!  I've kinda got the rest of me to stop shivering, but the feet are seeming to be a lost cause... oh well, hopefully, under two duvets and thick bed socks, come morning, things will have improved!

Aw, why can't more days be like this?

Despite my early attempts at going to bed, I had a rubbish night sleep.  This consisted of dozing off about 1am and then waking up with a start following a really horrible, distressing dream at just before 3am.  And then I was too wired to go back to sleep.  It took ages to calm down, and it was the most upsetting dream I've had in a very long time.  After a while, I completely gave up trying to get back to sleep and instead watched stuff on my laptop for a couple of hours and then eventually was able to go back to sleep.

Needless to say, this morning it was very hard indeed to wake up and get out of bed.  I had set my alarm for 9am, but that came and went with repeated snoozes, until I decided that I would get up, so switched the alarm off and promptly fell fast asleep again.  Until I had a lovely wake up call in the form of Sam phoning to let me know how her job interview had gone.  Since she didn't fancy being alone following this, I took my mom and Sam to the chaos that was the supermarket to do the last of the grocery shopping that my family needed.  We're having an extended family Christmas at our house, and as always, my mom is making sure she has enough to feed an army and then some!  I was very relieved to leave the supermarket, although admittedly having the company of two people I love very dearly certainly made the experience more enjoyable.

Just after lunch we found out that Sam got the job!  Yipee!  I'm so very proud of her, she very much deserves it, and I know it's something she's wanted for so long now.  So it was a very positive day.  I eventually took Sam home and had a cup of tea and kept her company for a little longer, but the poor lass was exhausted from all the excitment, so I left her be and went and found people with more energy - little people!

I popped in to see my darling Sarah and her wonderful family, and thoroughly enjoyed every moment.  It was wonderful being in a home with children at this time of year.  Christmas is so exciting, and it's so easy to catch their enthusiasm.  I had a lovely catch up with Sarah, and had a chance to spend a little time with each of the girls and have a cuddle.  This little family means so much to me and brightens up my life so much, I am so lucky and privileged to be part of their lives, and spending time with them is a very important aspect of helping me remember about the life that still exists outstide my little medicine bubble.  Thank you Sarah! :)

And just to prove what amazing friends I have, I have recieved two early Christmas pressies today.  Both of which contained some beautiful wool!  Hehehe!  They know me so well, especially Sam's comment that she was worried that she was enabling me!  I will get round to putting pics up at some point, but needless to say, I am so excited and can't wait to have a sit down and decide what to make with it.  I think I may even make something for myself for a change.  And as well as the wool, I got a lovely new piece of art to stick up on my wall when I get back to Bristol from the Clarks.  It is so wonderful and pretty, and I'm so touched to have something original and handcrafted with so much love and time put in.  Thank you all very much for my lovely presents, you have truely made me feel special and thought of.

Keeping busy over the summer

When I found myself with all this extra time this past summer, I thought I'd go mad and have a complete and utter breakdown. Whilst I don't consider myself the most proactive or energetic of people, I am usually fairly busy. My typical week consists of me spending Monday to Friday at the hospital or uni doing lectures or clinical placement. Then on weekends, I work as a healthcare assistant (HCA aka nursing assistant) at the large city centre hospital. So basically, my typical week is filled six or seven days a week with uni or paying for life at uni. It is exhausting, and I'm so grateful when I get time off, but after a couple of days with nothing to do, I start to get restless. Not having anything to do is a very foreign concept to me. And my life usually consists of having the endpoint of passing exams. Always an final goal. Then suddenly four months of nothingness.

Yes, the other thing is lack of money. I could have arranged to come back to Bristol, but I couldn't face that - four very long months, working a mind numbing, often demoralising job, and being all alone with my thoughts and dwelling on the failure. This version of events was not the way to avoid restlessness. It would have been far more harmful.

So staying in Derby, with family and friends was better. However, there's only so much one can go wonder round town, go out for coffee and got to the cinema before it becomes financially unviable and boring in its pointless way. So, to find a summer project with meaning... okays, I can do that... to excess!

When I was a kid growing up, my Ouma filled her hours with knitting, my Gran and my Mom knitted too. Learning to knit was just done! Almost by osmosis. But as a little kid, I was rubbish! I had no concept of tension and knitting with 20 cast on stitches would eventually become knitting with 60 stitches and lots of dropped stitches. However, when I was about 10, one horrible rainy morning, out of boredom, I dug out a "How to crochet" magazine and learnt how to crochet. I found it easier and it was my method of choice for the longest time. I also over the years learnt how to do other various handicrafts. But as I grew up, I stopped having the time, or at least being able to find the time to do stuff.

So this summer, with a friend pregnant and due at the end of September, I thought to myself, I can make something for the baby. I decided it was time to learn how to knit properly. I had done things like making a scarf (basically a long thin strip) but never any proper items of clothing. So, I had a chat with my mom, and she dug out some knitting needles and some patterns. And so began an obsession, which had amused all I know to no end! But hopefully created some items that can be loved and cherished! My poor mom had to sit and listen to my woes, when I hit parts of the pattern that I couldn't make sense out of, or explaining a technique. And she would patiently unpick my mistakes when I got too frustrated with the frequent mistakes of my first few projects. So thanks Mom for your patience and understanding. And for telling me to go to bed when you found me still awake gone 3 o'clock in the morning, knitting in front of the telly, focused entirely on the fact that I had finally wrapped my head around double moss stitch.

Now, since the end of June, I've always had a knitting project on the go. It's the other thing that kept me sane this summer. Be prepared to hear lots about my knitting!