A flying visit

Sitting, back in Yeovil, after a nice few days away.  It has to be said, I was feeling pretty knackered and somewhat lacking in my usual drive and energy to see everyone - so sorry for that my dear Derby friends.

But I did still manage to catch up with my parents, have a lovely steak dinner for my dad's birthday, see Emma's new house (yay!), spend some quality chilling and knitting time at Sarah's, wonder round town with Sarah, have a nice lunch out with Lorri (how I've missed her!) and go Christmas shopping with her, go to a baby bump blessing, go out for a drink with friends and catch up on some episodes of House which my mum has been recording on Sky+.  I suppose that's not too bad going for 4days.

And finally, a few photos, because I'm still tired and couldn't be bothered so much with the words.

 Because handspun toddlers are just so darned cute!

 The girls getting henna

 Henna on my shoulder (above) courtesy of Lorri, and on my right leg (below) courtesy of Sarah.  My other leg got doodled on by SamSam, Jenna and Morgan.  I love walking around knowing discretely tucked under my clothes are lovely works of art and creativity from my friends.

 The focus, of course was Sarah's bump, and most people got stuck in, including Sarah herself, from her upside down view.  She was highly decorated by the end!

 And a fun first for me, batik silk painting (using child friendly PVA glue).  I can't wait to see the finished, dried, washed silks.

 

And finally, some shots of my drinks out with Sam, Kev and Lorri.

 

A week in Derby... and a week in Yeovil

Back on the trains, nine days later... Nine days sounds like so long, but it's really not! It's flown by all too quickly. I wish I could have turned it in to longer. Which is ridiculous, I hardly have a demanding or tiring rotation at the moment. But maybe that's the problem, I know that this week has speed by because I have been so busy and surrounded by those I hold so dear, and I'm heading back towards something which I'm not fully enjoying. It's so silly, I find myself quite conflicted about my feelings towards GP land. It's not what I want to do, I don't want to be there, I'm frustrated by the buses and how expensive they are, my budget is being gobbled up by spending nearly £40 a week on buses plus the couple of misadventures when I've missed my bus and had to pay for a very expensive taxi. And I miss being at the hospital really badly. I miss being hecticly busy, and getting stuck in. I prefer the roles and responsibilities placed on me by hospital practice. And I miss the comeradery if being there, being able to unwind with my contemporaries and the banter you engage in with the nurses, physios, pharmacists and all those people. I get annoyed by my lack of knowledge and constantly (or so it seems) having to ask for help. Yet I don't actually have anything to complain about. Everyone in GP land is very sweet and accommodating, and I do enjoy parts of it, like the variety and the different types of patients - it's fun to do a little paeds. Yet it's by far the least passion I've had for any of my rotations, leaving me sitting here on this train, sad that I'm finished my week of annual leave and that tomorrow I'll be back at work.

....

And then another week later - kinda forgot to finish this post.

So Derby:

 You can just about make out the huge spider and beyond - all the apples wasted during the 3 weeks my parents were away.

 My exciting parcel, all squidged down, was:

 Half a coloured Ryeland shearling fleece, completely raw and ready to be worked on.

 The first soak (and my toes!)

 Disgusting and slightly smelly water after the first soak.

 Subsequent soaks getting clearer.

 I got a chance to finish the sweater for Conner.

And knitted a whole lace shawlette for my gran as part of TGCC.  Here's an early shot.

I spent many long but all too quick hours at Sarah's, with her family and Emma and Connor.  It was such a special time, and something I hold so dear.  To just be, in calm chaotic companionship.  We knitted, gossiped, drank endless cups of tea, went for walks with the girls, did a little cooking, a little cleaning and laundry... And apparently, reading that back, somewhere along the way turned into our mothers!  We also went swimming.  I went to the cinema twice, once with my Mum, as a girls night out when my dad was away overnight for work, and then with Jenna, to give her a chance to do something fun and uninterupted by little people.  I went for a lovely dinner with my wonderful Sam (and there may have been other people there, I forget now! ;)).  Really quite busy with simple nothingness.

And on the Saturday, a special muddy and at times very wet walk with so many of my nearest and dearest.

The Attenborough Nature Reserve - a place for the designing of mischief and meyhem.

 E.g. the grownups getting stuck up trees.

 A place where you have to dress appropriately...

... For puddle stomping...

 ...Saying hello to horses...

... Picnicking...

 ... and tickles...

 Feeding...

 ...and then chasing ducks...

 Adults who don't dress appropriately for these activities will do so at their own risk!

 We did find safer ways to feed the ducks.

 And at the end of it all... well there were smiles all round and everyone survived!

And then we headed back to Sarah's for a nice warming cup of tea, and dress up, for which Kev was very indulgent!

And I wonder why I sit on the train lamenting the end of my annual leave!  But life goes on, but with happy, warm fuzzy feeling inducing memories to keep me going until I next get to see everyone.  Thanks. :)

I feel very loved!

Just a quick note as I'm tired, and it has been a busy day of things to talk about, so I'll do that tomorrow.  I'm now back in Derby, and have had the chance to see my parents for the first time since getting my results.  I think it is an understatement to say my Dad was excited and happy to see me.  He was actually holding back the tears.  In my entire life, I think I can count the number of times I have seen my Dad cry on one hand!  He's clearly been telling anyone and everyone who will listen that his daughter is now a doctor.  And this is what was waiting for me when I got home:

I will need to take a better picture of it, in better light, but yup, he's had a plaque engraved and screwed it to my door.  And inside my room:

Balloons, banners and dozens of beautiful roses.  And a second congratulations card from my parents (having already sent me one in the post to Bristol) and again, actually written by my Dad.

It is safe to say I feel really loved and celebrated today.  It was just what I needed after a very emotionally and physically exhausting day.  I love my Daddy and am so glad to have made him so proud.

Looky what I made!

Still lots of revising, but managed to find a very quick knit for my handspun.  I'm so proud of it, and it looks amazing!

And a random little bit of other spinning, because I was going crazy without something to do.  It's some of the silk hankies I dyed over Easter.  I've got through most of it already, but have put it away, I'm not quite feeling the love as much, and I'm really struggling to get it even, which is a stress I don't really need right now!

It's back to Bristol tomorrow.  It's finally time, and it's finally starting to feel real that I have more exams coming up.  It's so tedious...

Still revising

Wow!  This really does seem like the never ending story part about 100.  So bored of this, so I won't spread the misery too much.  I've mainly been at home, barely leaving the house, beyond the odd trip into the garden and a lovely day spent in town with Emma, Chris and Connor.  It's frustrating to be missing out on such lovely weather, although to be honest, I'd probably have just ended up as a baked lobster, despite my best efforts to lather myself with sunblock!

I've finally finished my handspun that I keep mentioning.  I'm so proud of it, and have already cast on a little triangular scarf.  I just love the colours and still can't believe that I MADE that yarn!  Pictures of the scarf in progress will follow.

And that's about all I have to say for now.  I doubt I'll have much more to say over the coming days, so I'm not likely to post very much.

Revising(ish)

I think I've at long last recovered from Friday and it's build up.  It's been a harsh journey, much more so than I realised, but then the weekend came, and... well I'm glad I came home, I really needed that support.  I've been utterly exhausted, teary, headachy and just very down.  Is this what stress is?  It's not what I thought "stress" would be, but I can't think of any other explanation.  It's so surreal, and not me at all.  I knew that it was a tough build up to Friday, but I didn't think that I felt stressed.  This all sounds a little bizarre - how can I not know myself and my physical and emotional response to such pressure?  I don't know, I suppose this is the most intense period of stress in my life, and I suppose I've just not reacted/responded how I thought I would.  One thing I do know is that I'm not expressing myself very well here, and I'm just coming off as a little strange...

The weekend wasn't the most productive time, although I'm not sure if I really mind this.  I was talking to the people I was living with in Weston and they all pretty much said they would take the weekend off, so maybe I should have set off with that attitude.  Pushing myself to revise probably wasn't beneficial, but I suppose no harm was ultimately done.  I'm trying to build myself up again into a rhythm of lots of work and lots of revising.  I'm getting there... slowly.  I feel less tired today than I have in a while, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'll get a headache in the next couple of hours and just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.  But I was able to fight this yesterday courtesy of some paracetamol and a cup of tea, and just sitting in a semi-darkened room and taking it easy.

I've been spinning like mad and doing a little bit of knitting here and there as a distractor/post dinner time filler.  I've mainly been working on my blue, lilac and pink stole, it's slowly growing, although I am fast approaching the end of my first skein (at last!) and I didn't bring the other one... ooops!  And I'm about 60% through spinning the singles out of that coloured top, and I'm not sure if I want to ply on my green spindle, so the end of that project is coming soon here in Derby, as I didn't bring either of my other spindles.  Mmmm, I may have to just revise - shock horror!  Lol!  I've got lots of wool here, from the Easter dyeing, but none of my needles, so I could raid my mums... but I'd also need to think of what I wanted to do with it all!  And that all just might be too big of a distraction for now...

Derby: Breathe and reboot

Yay, home with my mummy! :)  Although admittedly I'm now home alone (unless my brother counts...) it was so nice to come home to have my mum there to give me a hug and to let myself get rid of some very built up tension.  And as always, nice not to have to cook my own food, and nice to have a proper relaxing bath, a nice comfy bed, a good night's sleep.  Yes, it was the right thing to do to come back here.

But now... lol, oh so tempted to make arrangements to see friends?  Do I dare, because there is just such a strong possiblitiy that "an hour or two" turns into half the day!  But friends are an important part of my support network... right?  Lol!  I will have to be very strong and make sure I minimise unrevision time, e.g. read stuff on bus.  mmmm.... and my mum can't moan too much, she's been busy making plans to have my grandparents and aunt round for Sunday lunch, as if that's not going to be a distraction!?

But I am feeling more ready to go and tackle the world, now I just need to go get some food in my belly and a cuppa and who knows what I could achieve!

D-Day (part 2)

And that's it.  All the heart ache and stress, and now... nothingness.  I feel so exhausted by the rollercoaster that has been the last few days, especially after an absolutely rubbish night's sleep, where I kept on waking up drenched in sweat (Yeah, I know, eeeeewww!). 

So how did it go...?  I wish I knew how to answer that.  One the whole, I don't think it was too bad, but when I sit and analyse it, there's so many shoulda, woulda, coulda aspects to it.  Will these add up?  Oh man, this waiting is awful.  I believe that I came across as relatively confident.  I don't feel like I was overwhelmed with the nerves, although, I did bumble at times.  The patient was lovely, sweet and completely coherent, which is always useful.  I had time to spare, and they asked me lots of questions, which I believe I answered honestly and hopefully adequately.  I just have to wait now... and boy I wish I didn't.

I have decided that I will return to Derby today for a while.  I need the company and support.  Being alone all the time, here in Bristol is not going to do wonders for me. Yup, at the grand old age of 26, I want my mommy!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Day... I loose count

Yup, so I've not been updating, which is usually a sign that I'm not quite feeling right.  And I suppose it's partly that, and partly because my days have been mainly consisting of sitting around, doing revising, doing some spinning and some knitting (still on relatively secret projects) and trying to motivate myself to do a little more revision.  I'm still finding it so incredibly hard to focus and sit down and be really productive.  I keep on getting so easily distracted by silly mondain things - case in point, checking the Ravelry forums with stupid frequency, apparently no one else is just there sitting in front of their computers and chatting... but I still don't get the hint, and go off to check... again.  This is dangerous stuff.  And the worst thing is that I KNOW better, and I am aware of what I'm doing.  Just so darn hard.  Went to the local cafe yesterday and actually managed to do some good work there... first with a hot chocolate and then a bottle of cider (and no I didn't really get drunk!).  It was fairly productive, but I can't just carry on doing that... can I?  Why can't I bring myself to clear my table (for like the millionth time) and got on with work.  I know there's stuff I can be doing, and yes, I am aware that I'm not actually currently achieving anything sitting here moaning about it in a blog.  But anywhos...

I was really down the other day when I last spoke to my Mom, and I mentioned in passing that it was really tempting to go to Derby for a bit between the first exam and the next lot a couple of weeks later.  She immediately said no, she didn't think it was a good idea.  However, she phoned me earlier this evening and brought it up as a potential thing to do, but they would kick me out after a couple of days.  To which I said "What if I'm really productive?"  Apparently I'd get an extension then.  It's really tempting, although part of the temptation would be being close to my friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of going to Derby to revise.  I don't know what to do, but it is oh so tempting, especially if I don't have to worry about feeding myself and my parents can make sure I'm doing work.  But, and it's a huge but, it's a long way to go and it's a train fare, if I don't actually get on with the change of scenary being more productive thing.  So it's something I'll be thinking of over the next couple of days.

I had my practice session with the Prof.  Unfortantely, the patient I had consented the day before had forgot and thus hadn't told his visitors to come later.  So there was a mad dash on a Saturday, at visiting time, to find a patient.  The best we could do was find someone for a history only, so he didn't get to see me do the whole thing.  He had some very interesting feedback and hopefully things I can take forward with me to the exam on Friday.  He thinks that I come off a little naive because I explain myself to the patient too much and I'm too gentle.  I need to just be a little more aggressive/forceful (he thinks it would take a lot for me to become a bully, so don't worry!) and more in charge.  I'm the "doctor" the patient has expectations of me, that I will ask necessary things, and I don't have to explain why I do them.  So this would cut down on waffle, so save time, and make it look like I'm more in control.  It's strange, I've always worried about being a strong character, with little patience, and being a little aggressive and a tad bit of a bully, so I've worked really hard to overcome this, and I've ended up at the other extreme.  He did have some positive things to say as well, and he said it showed that I was thinking about different possible diagnoses etc, but that I need to do more of this.  He was all in all very positive, and invited me on his ward round so that I could listen to some of the doctors present to him, and see how he gets what he needs out of the patients.  This was very interesting, and hopefully useful.  Time will tell...

So the spinning looks a little like this, I got a delivery of some new spindles, so I've had to play, using some of my new fibres from last week, and using up some of the undyed that I have.  The undyed was the best I've done so far, and it's definitely showing signs of progress.  The dyed stuff is still in the early stages, but is working up really nicely, if not a little crazily thin!  Definitely a lace weight, and I'm going to work really hard on it (eventually) and use it over the summer.

Approx 160m of my very own handspun (I got really badly knotted during plying, so had to cut it, hence the two skeins)

Close up showing that I'm making some progress towards evenness and balance.

I had to be fairly creative with "setting the twist".  I think I slightly went overboard with the spin on the plying.  But for the record, this is what I've read online about how to do it, so it's not as crazy as it looks!

And finally, my new aventurine (I think) spindle, looking beautiful and already filling up with some uber fine single.  It's so fast and it's a joy to spin with, in my humble and limited experience!

Heading back to business

Easter break is well and truly over.  And above all, it has been a break.  I’ve not rushed myself, worked myself, pressured myself.  I’ve just relaxed.  One could perhaps argue that this was the last thing I need to do, with exams getting so close, and heaven forbid my mother ever finds out how little revision I’ve done.  But I disagree… or perhaps I’m fighting to justify my actions.  After the last few months that I’ve had, probably going right back to last summer, I’ve been stressed and quite down at times.  And I don’t believe that that’s the most productive frame of mind for me.  I need to unwind, and just be.  I feel completely refreshed, and so ready to hit the road running and really just get on with life and answer all the demands that my particular path has thrown at me.  I really do feel at ease and replenished, and what better way to enter the stress that will be the next few months.  And boy, are they going to be busy!  There’s so many dates that I have to aim to, but I suppose the main one is August 4.  That is the “Official” start date of working, although I will have had about a week and a half of induction at the hospital for which I will be paid for… so arguably, I’ll be working before then… but that is the date to keep in mind.  But before that, there is revising, normal uni commitments, exams, graduation, summer, relaxing, moving and no doubt just a wee bit of knitting!

I suppose today is the first day that I’ve really given the next few weeks serious thought.  I KNEW that I have exams coming up, but they’ve all been a little distant.  But now, as I say goodbye to all the loved ones in Derby, knowing that I won’t be back until after everything has been done, it’s starting to feel real.  And I’ve had my first taste of “the fear”.  This is the thing that focuses me and makes me revise.  I’ve been waiting for it for ages.  I never really can focus or be productive without it.  I’m a last minute person, and most people I know got it ages ago.  But I’m glad I’ve got it now.  It’s the proverbial kick up the backside that demands action.  And rather than it being a negative experience, I feel exhilarated by it.  So very alive.  I love this feeling.  And I know that this in part stems from being in a relaxed, positive frame of mind.  I know I can do it!

I’m sitting on a coach typing this (obviously not online).  They must be doing works or repairs on the rail line somewhere.  So my usually direct, 2hr 10min train journey is now a 3hr 10min train-coach-train affair.  I’m back on my old haunt, the M5.  So weird to be a passenger.  So used to nipping down this road in my car.  It’s so familiar, but not.  And how bad is it that as I’m travelling along, gazing out at the fields, seeing the sheep and their lambs everywhere, I can’t help but want to rush up to them and run my hands threw their fleeces and well… steal it to knit with.  Like I even need anymore wool!  Lol, yes I know, you’re probably thinking “and you think that that’s all that’s wrong with that!!”.  Yes, I admit, I’m a nutter and wool/yarn obsessed. I’ll just have to make do with the thought that my YarnAddict sock club yarn should be waiting for me when I get in, eventually!

And finally, special thoughts for a special and very dear to me family.  Sarah and co, I’m thinking of you and hope that Rowan gets better in time for her birthday.  I’m so glad I got a chance to visit you in hospital this time round, I felt so helpless, useless and far away before, so I’m glad I could offer my support, even if it was just a bit of company for a couple of hours.  And on a more positive note, thanks for making this last week and a bit so special, fun and productive.  I’ve loved every moment, and as always, I could never thank you or repay you enough for what you have done (and continue to do) for me over the last year.  So big love, hugs and kisses will have to make do for now, and my warmest thoughts and prayers.

Colourful days, mucky hands and a guilty conscience!

Yup, that title pretty much sums up my Easter break.  Lol!  I've had a fantastic time, so far.  Even the delights of public transport on a holiday weekend (think sardine can) could dull my spirits.

My folks are away on holiday (gone to South Africa to visit family), so I've had very little reason to stay in at home... well... besides revision, which I really should be doing!  As a result, I've pratically lived at Sarah's house (ohhh, you bad bad bad enabler) thanks to her generosity and open house policy.  I've had lots of time to catch up with friends, have baby cuddles, play with the kids, eat good food, have a thoughtful Passover celebration and play, yarnie style!

Connor has been growing like crazy.  I can't believe he's already starting to experience the delights of eating food.  He has got the most gorgeous big grin of a smile and is so quick to laugh and charm whoever catches his eye.  He's absolutely lovely!

And Chris proving to me why I don't get people to pose - they pull faces!  Lol!

And this little toddler, who is soooooo not up to any mischief!

Morgi being typically opinionated!

Jenna polishing off the olives!  Mmmm, tasty food!  Thanks to Sarah who's feed me almost everyday this week!

Including very tasty choc chestnut torte, which the baby found too irrisistable!  Even if that meant having to lick the plates left within arms reach.  Yum!

And the joys of happy laughter filling the days with just the simple things of a hideout created by the tablecloth from dinner.

And on to adult games.  Following the amazing time I had on my hand dye workshop, I decided it was something I just had to do again, especially if I could use it as an opportunity to share the fun and excitement.  So Sarah and I got planning and set about getting ready to play.  And apparently I can't say no!  We ended up with the most ginormous pile of wool to experiement with (approx 4kgs), and a whole host of colours (I think a total of 11!).

 Piles of yarn and wool fibres

Starting the epic pre-soaking

We decided since we had so much to play around with, we would experiment with loads of different techniques.  So we:

Painted

 Steamed

 And used a pot for immersion type techniques

We also used it as an opportunity to try out some other things that I haven't attempted before with dying, namely, playsilks (clearly, not for me, but I did get to paint one which is for Emma and Connor) and "raw" wool fibres, which are going to be for me to learn how to felt.  And I also got a couple of sock blanks to play around with and hopefully eventually get some socks with some pretty cool effects - stripes and a green of varying depths of tone, hopefully should work out as light at the cuff, getting darker down the leg and onto the foot.  We'll see...

Sarah making her massive rainbow play silk.  It looks very impressive (I'll have to get a picture of it at some point!)

The playsilk I made for Emma, all wet and clinging to itself.  I was actually quite proud of it especially as I thought I had screwed it up a little when I was painting it.

(The baby didn't want to get out of the shot!! There was too much pretty wool to play with!)

Most of the haul from Day 1 of dying.  Most of this here is for Sarah or Emma.  The purple and red (bottom), massive rainbow hank (under the yellow and purple in the middle) and the earthy rainbow (near middle next to yellow and purple) are mine.  The two rainbow ones were done in a similar way, but gave very different effects!

We eventually had to do a second day of dying as there was so much yarn!  (Apparently I have issues with self control when it comes to ordering yarn online!)  The products of this day are still at Sarah's drying, but once they're all dry, I will catalogue them all and show them off in all their full glory.  I can't wait to see them in their final forms, all dry and in proper light to see what I got in the end!  And I can't wait until I get an opportunity to create things with them.  Can't wait at all!

And in terms of other non-dying events, I've spent some time with Sam, who came to dye day 1, and later had me round to a very tasty Indian diner and a bit of a games night.  Appparently I'm a dreadful gambler (in that I loose money very quickly!) and a movie buff  (well when teamed up with Sam!).  I had a bit of an upset tummy over the weekend, but it turned out to only be a 24 hour type thing, so I spent most of the day half heartedly watching tv or asleep in front of it, before bouncing back to be in the swing of it in time to dye and eat out some more.

"And the guilty conscience?" I hear you ask.  Well, that would be down to the shockingly small amount of revision that I've done.  Especially compared to Easter last year.  I'm just finding it very hard to focus and find the motivation, and there's been so many other more exciting things to do.  I know I'll get there eventually, but it's so hard.... No I don't think "hard" is the right word.  But it's just so.... blah.  Anyhows... enough blogging.