A daybook: An attempt to calm and order my overactive mind

FOR TODAY

Written at half post three in the morning!

Outside my window... Well, let's be honest, the curtains are drawn.  But I'm guessing it's dark.  I'm not particularly interested!

I am thinking... that putting my thoughts down on "paper" will help me order them and perhaps even settle my crazy overactive brain a little, and let me get some sleep.

I am thankful... for my new job, for finally being successful in applying for the thing that I've had my heart set on for so long.  For the new lease of life that this has given me.  But mostly I'm thankful for the amazing support I've had from everyone in this topsy-turvy last few months, and for their enthusiastic partaking in my overwhelming joy in my good news as I'm finally getting my chance to tell them.  I feel truely blessed, and I've had so many lovely congratulatory hugs today.  It does however fill me with a touch of sadness to know that my time with these wonderful people is now limited.

In the kitchen... there are high piled plates in need of a wash.  By no means the worst it's ever been, but still impressive when considering that I've only been back in my flat for a couple of days!  There's also a half eaten loaf of homemade bread.  I really enjoy baking bread.  There's something very homey about it, and it makes the flat smell delicious!

I am wearing... lilac pjs.  And a well worn, cozy sweater that is well and truely beyond it's best, but it's snuggly and I only wear it at home as a winter pj top up.  And my fit-flops, because my feet were very achy this even when I finally got myself out of bed after a very hectic nightshift.

I am creating...  lots of things, I'm usually fairly good about not having too many WIPs on the go at any given time, but I'm surrounded by half finished things.  Today I've been working on a rounded yoke, knit in one piece, navy baby cardigan for a friend.  I've also got to sew up and knit the neck back on another little cardigan for this same friend - a chore that I've been putting off for several weeks already.  So it's high on my list of priorities for tackling this week.  As is the 90% done pair of socks that have been about 90% done for around a year now, I *will* finish them this week. I also must remember to finally knit the neck border on my lovely green and blue lace shawl and get it blocked.  I've been so excited about this project but lost puff right at this final stage.  I *will* finish it this week too!

I've also started a project for myself for a change - a cabled vest top that I'm making with some lovely 100% merino yarn that my mum brought back from South Africa a few years ago. It's taken ages for me to find a pattern that I really wanted to make with this special yarn.  I'm a little over halfway on the back, but this project will be relegated this week with so much else happening, both crafty and otherwise.  It will be hibernating along side the sweater for myself that I started before Christmas, that just needs it's sleeves now, but I've ignored for weeks.  I'm not very good at prioritising knits that are for me!

I am going...to eventually go to bed.... not really tired right now, but getting there.  My body clock is all over the place, the rhythm of night shifts still dominating and the excitement and prospect of major life changes over the coming months meaning that even when I'm tired, sleep remains distant and secondary to the whirl of thoughts going round and round in my head.  Most of them thoughts I've been having all week, and when I'm tired, they're not even original variations of these thoughts!  They're just very hard to calm and stop.

I am wondering... what to watch next.  So far this evening, I woke up around 5pm, having slept all day after a very hectic night shift.  I had a pounding headache, which with hindsight was a migrane, since all I could do was lie in the dark with my eyes closed and then be sick.  I promptly feel asleep on the sofa by about 7pm, to wake up just before midnight... finally ready to start my day.  So far, I've been knitting and distracting myself with iPlayer on the telly, mostly lighthearted classics -  Madagascar (because I'm a big kid and love animated films), Junior Doctors (I find this difficult to watch at times, it's all a little too close to home, but I find the more work and experience I get, the more I can use it as a reflective exercise!), and I've just finished Tropic Thunder, which I adore for all it's outrageous silliness, and it also holds a special place in my heart as I watched it for the first time in East London, South Africa, whilst on my elective.

I am reading... The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet.  I didn't think I was ready for another epic read after having only finished A Song of Ice and Fire (the Game of Thrones) series a few months ago.  But I'm lapping it up, and it's a surprisingly easy going read.  I'm over a third through in less than a week, which is very speedy reading for me, because I usually don't get round to reading much as I'm always knitting or spinning instead.  But this week when I've been very tired and struggling to sleep, it's been a welcome distraction.  I made the foolish mistake of watching the first episode of the tv series on Netflix.  I really disliked it, the book is just too fresh in my mind, that I got very annoyed by all the departures from the book!  Fortunately, I feel asleep whilst watching it, so it didn't ruin too much.

I am hoping... to have a really productive week, stuck in Yeovil on annual leave and broke!  I need to do some serious sorting and tidying of my flat.  And some planning.  And get lots of sleep.... we'll just have to see how this all pans out.

I am looking forward to... the adventures that await me at the end of the summer - a new, much longed for job and a new home.  The thought of it has awaken so much passion and excitement for my life, despite the undoubted challenges it will bring.  This has been something I've been really missing recently and been feeling very restless about, so it is wonderful to have this renewed energy.

I am learning...  about French gardens.  I've decided that this is what I'll watch next, and it's running in the background as I type.  I love gardens and green spaces, but wow these are on a whole other level, very organized, tidy and elegant, and isn't that just the antithesis of my life.

Around the house...  My crafting corner is taking over!  And driving me scatty.  I really do need to tidy this area over the next few days.  It's the one collection of "stuff" that I can't bring myself to thin out, but certainly the one that keeps growing at an alarming rate and takes up the most space in my flat.  I guess I can't win!  Besides that, the flat is generally messy.  Not particularly dirty, but stuff everywhere, so typical of when I've been on nights.  I've got an overwhelming itch to sort it all... but it's the sort of thing that I refuse to do at this time of day!  And one of those rare events, I have fresh flowers in my flat.  Yay, bright tulips in several colours.  A congratulations present from a dear friend.

I am pondering... on how soon it will be appropriate to start contacting my new hospital to start getting more info from them.  There will be so much to sort out and they will undoubtedly provide me with a lot of the answers to the endless list of questions floating round my head.  But I've only received the job offer a week ago, and that was from a centralised location.  I don't want to be pestering them before they even know of my existence and that they should be expecting me.  I need to take a deep breath and be patient, but this is something I've been wanting for so long, that I'm finding it hard to quell my excited energy!

A favorite quote for today...  I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't.  I suppose on a purely selfish note, it has to the the "congratulations" that I've heard endlessly at the start of my day as I was finally able to start spreading the word of my successful interview to my friends and colleagues at work.  How I will miss these people who have been my extended family over the last few years and who have given me endless support and confidence boosts in the build up to my application and interview.

One of my favorite things... very materialistic, but my spinning wheel.  I can't wait to indulge in lots of spinning over the coming days, annual leave really lends itself to spinning binges.  I find much easier to knit at the end of a busy day of work, that I don't spin very much during the week.  Although having said that, I have so many knitting projects that I really want to crack on with... but I'm sure I'll find a happy compromise to this truly "dreadful" situation that I find myself in!

A few plans for the rest of the week: sort through dvds, file long ignored paper work, sort through my clothes and get rid of things that have become somewhat tatty, stained and holey.  Wish me luck!

A peek into my day...

The ever growing crafting corner, where fibre and yarn are overflowing their bags.

Bright tulips!

 

The sofa besides me - shiny new laptop, knitting stuff, TV remote and my blanket.

(Partaking, for the first time, with The Simple Woman.)

GP land

In the last few weeks since I've posted (yeah, yeah, I know!) life has been a chaotic upchurn of things.  I've moved both my home and my job, said goodbye to so much old, and hello to all this new stuff.  It's scary to think just how fast the last year has gone by and just how far I've come.  I feel, in many ways, like a completely new person.  I've changed in many ways.  They say that Med School really doesn't make a doctor, it just gets you on the path.  And it's so true.  I'm now what would have been up to a few years ago, an SHO (senior house officer), which sounds so much more advanced than F2 (what the position is now called) and I have to pinch myself to believe that I'm an SHO!

I feel so much more experienced, yet at times, I feel somewhat overwhelmed by the mountian sized amount of things that I just don't know.  And no where is that more apparent than working as a GP.  There are the simple things like chest infections, that I've seen so many times before and I feel so comfortable with, even the nastier, hairier versions of.  And then there are the things that I've just never seen before, and perhaps have a dusty memory somewhere of, like all the rashes that I get presented with!  I really know so little about dermatology, and chances are, I never will have to.  But it's so frustrating to go from something where I feel so comfortable to something where I have to ask my supervisor about.  The variety of general practise is wonderful, and a challenge that I really thrive on, but some days my confidence really takes a knock!  It's nice to have that safety net of someone to fall back on, but I really do feel lost by it all at times.

My new home is well and truely a home now, with my bags and boxes unpacked, and my junk scattered about.  I love this little space.  It's by far the most grown up place I've ever lived, with it's slick kitchen and nice bathroom.  I feel amazed by the twists and turns of life that have lead me to this place.  I still can't quite believe it at times.  I can't wait to do so much in this space, even though I'm only going to be here for a year.  Just silly little things, like buy extravegant new sheets, with rediculously unnecessarily high thread counts, and getting a new dinner service so that I can retire my well loved and worn set that I've had for about 7 years.  And this time, there'll be no cheap as I can find student budget plates.  I want to really look round and enjoy picking out the right ones.  Silly and dreadfully materialistic, I know, but it's these simple things that bring pleasure to my life - to be able to afford these luxuaries after all those years as a broke student!  And I can't wait to entertain and have people round in this precious little space I call home.

Catching up! Part 1 - work

Well, since it looks like I'm not going to be sleeping for a while...I'll try do some catching up.

It's been since December, and that's really hard to believe.  I had just started my surgical rotation.  So let me think... things that have happened since then.

I loved my surgical rotation, with a passion!  It was a very different pace of life and structured very differently in terms of day to day responsiblities and duties.  Two things really made this placement for me, first, the wonderful people I was working with.  All the surgical teams were fantastically welcoming, friendly and supportive.  I found it interesting and it made me really want to get stuck in, learn more and get the hands on experience, something which I felt they recognised and appreciated.  My registrar, in particuar was fantastic and really encouraged me and helped me regain my confidence.  He was very generous with his positive feedback, and at giving me support with things I felt shakey about.  The strained working relationship I had had with my SHO on my previous job had really shattered my confidence and my self-esteem.  But that definitely changed with surgery. 

The second thing that I really got out of this placement was it cemented in my head what I want to do when I grow up.  As a medical student, I always thought I didn't want to be a surgeon, and was really unsure about the idea of literally cutting people up!  Which really conflicted with the fact that the area I found most interesting was obstetrics and gynaecology.  And then I did my first placement, and I really enjoyed medicine and working, and found the variety quite interesting.  I enjoyed doing the odd procedure.  And I really started to think that acute medicine was perhaps the thing for me.  And then I started surgery...

I found myself drawn more and more to those operating theatres.  I would feel motivated to be super organised about my main duties, so I could rush to spend as much time as possible in theatres.  At first, it was mainly observing, but man... is that draw is powerful.  The overwhelming urge to experience it, hands on, even if just to hold retractors or hold the laprascopic camera.  I would use every opportunity to scrub in and assist, frequently staying late to get the chance to go to theatres.  And the more I did that, the more familiar the theatre staff and the surgeons became with me, and my reward was great!  I was allowed (under very close supervision and guidance) to do small things, including making a couple of incisions (scary because after it's all done, the scar from that incision, is the one thing that stays with the patient as an external reminder) and closing the incisions, and various things like that.  I found it all so very rewarding, and who'd have thought, I actually do have an inner surgeon, and in all honesty, it didn't take very much to wake it!

So I have decided, for definite, that I want to go into Obstetrics and Gynaecology.  It interests me, there's a fair amount of variety and lots of opportunity for hands on practical procedures that I crave.

And that was surgery for me.  If at the start of the year, you'd have asked me to predict which of my three jobs I would enjoy the most, I really wouldn't have picked surgery!  And yet, by far it was.  It may not have given me some of the challenges that that first job did, and I may not have learnt as much, but I will always view it as my most useful one, as it was the one that gave me my confidence back, I got so much pure enjoyment out of and helped me decide what I want to do with my life.

I'm now on my last job of the year, which is another medical job, and as someone pointed out to me, my last  ever medical job!  Which is very scary, and slightly sad thought.  I do enjoy parts of medicine and wish that I could experience it more as I'm sure there's lots more I can gain from it.  But unfortunately, the way that doctor's careers are structed these days, there's no scope for that, unless I decide to delay applying to O&G training posts and do non-training jobs.

I'm now on the cardiology ward, which in Yeovil has a particular flavour to it.  We don't have the facilities for interventional cardiology, so we don't deal with some of the more traditional cardiology things.  So there's some general medicine thrown in for good measure.  It's probably the calmest medical ward in the hospital, which is a very big change from that first job, on the most notoriously busy and hectic ward in the hospital.  And also, I've been working for nearly a year, so I am now more confident and experienced, and I think that also contributes to a much less stressful job.  I enjoy it, but I think I'm not getting as much out of it as my two earlier jobs.  But that's fine, I have a much nicer lifestyle now, and I'm very happy to settle for that!

On being a surgeon

On Wednesday, I left my hectic, challenging, demanding job in medicine and began my new rotation in surgery.  And wow, what a difference!  Admittedly it all starts an hour earlier, but yesterday, I had done my ward round and all the jobs and was sitting in the mess twiddling my fingers by 9:30!  It almost feels like some sort of perverse torture, after being constantly so busy for about 10 hours a day, this is a strange feeling, and one that feels so wrong.  I have to be there but to do what?  I'm working on a couple of things to keep me occupied, and I know there will be busier days, when I may even regret this post.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not really moaning, I'm merely making some observations on it all.  I'll probably get used to this change of pace and barely notice it after a will.  I definitely am missing my old job, but it's good to get new experiences.

So here is my list of things that I want to achieve in the next four months:

• work on an audit
• catch up on my e-portfolio
• do some e-learning
• work on some presentations
• do some reading and active learning, rather than just picking it up as I bumble along.
• do some form of exercise, am considering swimming
• eat proper meals, rather than half-arsed attempts at sustenance
• do some formal teaching

And there they are, documented for all to see, and I'll try to keep you up dated on progress. :)

And now, I'm off to nap, as I think I need to add something else to my to do list, not over-indulge with alcohol too often!!!

It's the weekend! And thank goodness for that.

The end of another week, and what joy it brings.  I'm so tired out!  And I still can't believe that it's still only been a week and a half of work.  It feels like so much longer, but that's probably just a reflection of how busy I am.  I totally loose track of what day things happened, along the lines of explaining an incident to some one, and no actually being able to say when it happened.  Logic dicates it was yesterday, but every other fibre in my being says no, it was so much longer ago!  Craziness.

This week work has brought:

• three death certificates, waiting for me to fill out on Monday morning.  Three legal documents where I have to officially, legally decide and declare the person's cause of death.  It's quite a responsibility.  And my SHO (i.e. the person who is two years ahead of me and claims to remember what it was like to be in my situation) was very unsupportive.  We were warned on our first day that we shouldn't do the first ones alone.  That we should have someone talk us through it, and help us come to a decision about the cause of death.  He just flatly refused to do this.  And I was having the office bleeping me because the family of one of the deceased was refusing to leave until they had the certificate.  And so I pestered the SHO more to come down, and he suggested that I stay on the ward and he goes and does it.  How am I supposed to learn?  So I said no to that.  You would have thought I was asking him to give up a kidney or something.  Such a battle, then he only helped me with one, and refused to let me stay to do the other two.  Such a battle!  It shouldn't be this way.  Next time, I'll know not to even bother asking for his help on the certificates. 
• Along with death certificates, comes cremation forms.  Again, a legal document to say you have identified the body, that you don't think they died in even a remotely suspicious way (both these things can't be checked once a person is cremated!!) and you also have to declare if they have pacemakers (blow up cremetoriums if left in the body), metal work (e.g. from broken bones) or radioactive implants (can be bad to the health of cremetorium staff).  You can be held liable if something goes wrong with any of these things, so it is a huge responsiblity, which we were again told we should have our SHOs guide us through and help us with.  My SHO flatly refused, so I had to blunder my way through.  One of them had very limited notes, so I couldn't in all honesty say that they didn't have any non-human bits in them.  I was really worried and concerned about this and unsure what to do.  My SHO's advice?  "You're not confident, you have to get some confidence and just get on with it, we don't have time for this".  Not in anyway helpful.  Fortunately, I've adopted several other SHOs to go to for advice and managed to work something out.  But since I had three to do, they did take time.  My SHO's response - bleep me and ask me where I am (despite me having told him) and then ask if they can wait, since we had so much to do.  Well, no, I've already put it off for three days because of trying to get answers and help.  It's not fair on grieving relatives for me to put their funeral plans on hold indefinitely until I found some time.  But on the positive side, I do get paid for my crem forms (in addition to my usual salary) so at least my stress and worry isn't completely unrewarded.  Although, I do feel slightly guilty profiting from someone else's death, even if indirectly.
• Four consultant ward rounds, getting to know people's styles, preferences, way of doing things.  Four consultant ward rounds where my SHO in his attempt to look good in front of the consultants, has excluded me from them so that I can get the next patients notes ready, xrays and scans up and blood test results up.  I there to learn.  This is the only time I'm with the consultants and he excludes me from going to see them.  And then I get moaned at by radiologist and microbiologist, because I do the requests and prescribing, but often I don't really know why, because I wasn't able to hear the conversations had between the consultant and the patient.
• One drunken walk home by myself, after Thursday drinks out with my fellow F1s where I tried drowning my SHO stress out with a little too much wine.  (And for the record, no, no hangover, just not enough to eat, because didn't really have the time).
• One talk with a consultant late Friday night, who had noticed I was upset on the ward round (had been hiding in an office, crying on the ward clerk's shoulder because I had just been sent on a wild goose chase by my SHO and then humiliated by him in front of said consultant, thought I was composed enough to go back, but clearly wasn't).  I wanted to hug this guy.  He was so sweet, and he was talking things through, and telling me that it was a shame that I had to start on this ward, because it is so crazy and doesn't let up.  But he wants me to enjoy it and learn and benefit from it.  And was there anything that he could do to help.  I think just talking was help enough.  And I explained about the death certificates, crem forms, other issues and the ward round that had just made me feel really bad about myself and my abilities and that I just didnt feel I was supported or able to learn.  It's nice to have been able to talk about it, and he's going to have a word with my SHO, and hopefully, things will improve.
• One slice of chocolate cake from a patient's wife, who had brought it in for him, but he didn't want.  And I work so hard and deserved a treat!   People can be so lovely and it's the small things that brighten up life.
• Twice "just in case" boxes prescribed.  Annoying amounts of paper work, and depressing intentions.  It's a set of medications sent home with a palliative patient so that if they get pain, nausea etc, then they have medications that a district nurse can set up and help them with.
• One failed male catheterisation - and then a mini-lecture/discussion from the consultant urologist as to where I was going wrong (in his opinion, as he didn't actually see me try!).  Apparenly not, errmmm, straightening things up and out enough, typical girl being too gentle!  But good tip and learning point.
• One finished sweater and one nearly finished cowl, accidently (on purpose of course!! ;)) twisted.  But three days when I was just simply too exhausted to knit.  Which is sad.
• One dinner out with my flat mate and fellow ward F1.  No one understands what I'm going through more than her.  And when, one night, we were both still there on the ward after 8, she suggested we treat ourselves to an opportunity to unwind.  It was a lovely Italian restuarant, where the waiter flirted outrageously with my engaged flatmate and ended up giving us free lemoncello!  It was just what we needed.
• Three episodes of falling asleep on the sofa whilst watching things on my laptop, despite having always laughed at my parents for doing this (in front of the telly) routinely every night.  How quickly these things change!  I really will have to start thinking about sticking to better hours, and not trying to stay up watching stuff. 
• One trip to see Toy Story 3 in 3D last weekend.  Cute but not as good as I was expecting according to the hype.
• One chance to graffiti a fellow human's body with a permenant marker, outlining a rash to check it doesn't continue to spread.  She was a lovely patient and thought it halirious as I sat an doodled and tried to make sure I was doing an acurate outline, despite bad light.
• One trip to Starbucks for a hot chocolate on this rainy Saturday morning and a chance to check up on blogs and facebook.

And here I am, yawning but cozy and content that I don't HAVE to do anything for another day and a half.  Life is crazy busy, but as I said to the consultant, I really am passionate about being here and doing this, and it will take time to settle, I keep on forgetting that it's been less than two weeks.  I still have times when I'm really enjoying myself, which makes up for the times of extreme stress.

Hope you all have a good week!  And until next week, bye-bye!

The future of this blog...

Someone asked me recently what was going to happen with this blog of mine.  And to answer truthfully, I haven't decided yet.  I really enjoyed recording and sharing my life over the last year(ish), so I'd like to continue that.  However, when I'm working 50 hour weeks (despite those silly EU directives) will I have the energy?  The answer is most likely to be no, and most certainly not with the frequency that I have been doing so (last month aside!).  And the other issue is the fact that much of what happens in those 50hours will be things I can't discuss because of confidentiality, regardless of how much I need or want to vent, I just won't be able to without it becoming a slippery slope of saying too much.  And then, those few hours I have outside of work, I'm sure I'll be enjoying them, and living life, but they might not necessarily give an accurate portrayal of me and who I am, being so leisure heavy.  I loved sharing my crafting, but I am more than just that.  And I don't want to do a blog that's about just one aspect of my life, because that was never the purpose of me doing thi.

And then there's the simple aspect of the title of this blog.  No longer a medical student.  So at the very least it's inaccurate, and part of me wonders if I should make a clean break and just start a new one for this new chapter of my life.  Or maybe just change the title of this blog, and continue the book of my life,

I suppose ultimately whatever happens will happen organically.  There's just not much point in trying to plan it too meticulously.  Suffice it to say that life is so very exciting at the moment, and I'm in a very positive place and there's so much to say.  I feel very alive, and the stress and heart break of this past year has been worth it.  And now I have a beautiful, and sometimes bittersweet, reminder of it all in the form of the posts that have accumulated.

So I open it up to anyone out there who cares to share their opinions. 

Mixed emotions

I feel so conflicted.  I'm so excited about the adventures that lie ahead for me, but at the same time, so sad about what I leave behind.  Bristol is home.  My Mom may hate it when I say that, but Bristol is home.  And it's been my home for nearly seven years.  It has given me life, hope, fun, tears, laughter, excitment, development.  It's the place where I came of age, and came into myself after a difficult four years in Derby.  I was so unhappy in Derby, especially when compared to how I have been in Bristol.  I got my life back here.  It was the best place in the world for me.  I've met amazing people, worked here, played here, studied here.  Everything.  I love it here.  And I really wish I wasn't leaving. 

I've been telling people that I'm in a suspended state.  Nothing feels real.  But now that I'm packing, I can't avoid the reality anymore.  I am leaving.  I'm saying goodbye to my friends and all the inanimate objects that I hold so dear - the places, the shops, the views.

I know I'm leaving for new adventures, via a recharge of the batteries in Derby.  I'm so excited about that, with some to-be-expected nerves.  It's a dream come true, and one that wouldn't have true without my beloved city.  I'm trying not to leave with a heavy heart.  But it's hard.  And there's still so much unknown ahead.  And that's a bit scary, if I'm being honest.  What will life in Yeovil be like?  What will life as a doctor be like?  It's something I've desired for so long, but I don't think anything can prepare me for the actual life of a doctor.  And I'm sitting here alone in my now mostly packed up flat, with all these thoughts running through my head.  And I really wish there was something to distract me from it all.  But there's nothing.  I can't avoid the boxes, or the fact that the removals man is coming at 10:30am tomorrow, and I've run out of boxes, as well as the motivation to squeeze things into the little space I have left in my boxes.  Tomorrow is going to be an early start, I'm going to rush out and get more boxes, and some breakfast that I can eat without cutlery or plates!

I suppose I better get on with it, if nothing else,  I need to head to bed and get some sleep in prep for another busy day.  My last full day as a Bristol resident.  I wish I had the opportunity to do it justice... but at least I had a chance to do some of that stuff at the weekend with the Clarks.

Big day ahead!

As the weekend draws to an end, I find myself becoming impatient, yet at the same time, wanting to freeze time.  I have my last exam tomorrow, and it's one that I'm not particularly worried about.  In a strange way, it's actually a fun kind of exam that I've always secretly liked (at the risk of being lynched by my coursemates!).  It's practical, requires you to think on your feet, snappy, flies by, varied, basically an interesting way to do exams.  There's a couple of things that I want to go over before it, but otherwise, it's kind of hard to revise for, as it's not purely knowledge based.

But my anticipation and anxiety actually stems from the fact that I'll partially find out my fate tomorrow evening.  At some point after 4pm tomorrow, the med school is going to email the people who are required to sit a second long case.  So if I get an email, it's time to absolutely panic, and try to think of things to do by Friday to improve before the repeat.  No email, then, I'm... well, safe.  And pretty much home and dry, assuming that I haven't cocked up the exams that I passed last year.  I just don't know what to think.  I'm scared, so scared.  I know that checking my email tomorrow afternoon will be a strange compulsion, that I really don't want to do, but I can't help but do every five minutes until I know.  And then every five minutes afterwards until whatever news awaits me sinks in.  In all honesty, I don't know how I'm going to cope...

But on a happier note.  My weekend.  I've actually had a really nice one.  On Friday, I discovered that a new green grocer has opened about a three minute walk from my front door.  I had a nice chat with him, and he's sourced the vast majority of his produce in the UK, mainly locally.  And not only has he got fruit and veg, he's also stocking a range of preserves and chutneys and a small selection of olives (one of the few non-UK items!) and cheeses.   Mmmmm, couldn't help but stock up on some tasties for lunch and the weekend.

Lovely!  I love the way my road supports all things local and independent.

I finally finished my shawl/stole/wide scarf that I've been working on since Easter, on and off, in amongst other projects.  It's currently blocking on my floor and looking glorious.  I can wait to take photos of it once it's been unpinned!  But for now:

On Friday, I finished my latest spinning project.  I decided to experiment with making some low twist singles.  And I used one of my new(ish) spindles that I hadn't really used before, other than a quick trial.  I have no idea how much it weighs, but it's quite heavy, and has a super long handle, so I was able to squeeze all 100g on in one long long (344m) piece.  I took it off, skeined it (my clothes horse makes a very good skeiner!) and then, in an act of utter faith, having never done any felting, I felted the skein to give strength to the singles.  I set the twist overnight in the shower then in the sunshine.  I seemed to have felted in just right.  The strands were defnitely felted and required teasing apart which made winding a ball take forever!  But they came apart very easily and without any knots, headaches, breakages or other heartaches.  It's quite textured, and so I've decided to make a very simple shawl pattern with it, to really show off the gorgeous colours (was really unconvienced with the fibres, but I adore it now, so pretty!) and texture.

Pre-felting and setting the twist.  Quite good representation of the colours.

The finished, dried hank, slightly out of focus, but still pretty cool.

Close up of the singles, before I wound it.  Really good idea of the texture and thickness, but less so with the colours.

The start of the shawl.  I love how triangular shawls grow.  I'm loving how gentle the colour changes are.  It's not the bold stripes of the 198yards of heaven shawl I made with my last handspun.

My craft corner was looking a mess, so I decided I had to tidy it up, and this was it, mid-sort out.

On Saturday night, I had Mary and Paddy round for a BBQ.  It was lovely, and really mellow.  And we had such a great catch up.  I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends, I do really miss them though, I hardly get round to see them, especially lately with being in Weston and revision, and clashing with Mary's schedule.

And now.... I wait.  I wait for sleep, and peace, and those silly emails tomorrow.  I can barely think of my exam, in comparison to that email.  Last year, I didn't think about it, didn't really expect the email.  But it was the email that caused my life to collapse in on itself.  How can I now be expected to think of anything else?

The next round of "the day before..."

The countdown is most certainly on now.  The first written exam is tomorrow.  And it feels like it isn't really happening to me.  At this point with the long case a couple of weeks ago, I was certainly feeling it.  But now, just... numb...  Yup, I think numb sums it up best.  I feel suspended in this state of ... I don't know how to describe it.  It's strange... I just hope it ends soon, and I can get back to feeling like me.

There has been this huge danger all along, and I've really tried hard to fight it, of being complacent, I passed all the other exams last year really comfortably.  I've really been struggling against the feeling that I don't really need to work for it.  I have managed to work, but I still feel so guilty that I haven't worked as hard as I did last year.  But I had this sudden thought this evening (yup, it was something that only just struck me!), I'm not starting in the same place as I was last year.  I'm not back to the beginning, so maybe I shouldn't be beating myself up too much.  Arrrgh, it's such a difficult thing to strike a balance on.  I don't think I'll ever be able to work it so that I'm happy.  But time will tell...

Anyhows, should probably get back to some last minute cramming!  But before I do, my most recent projects.  A sweater for Connor, that was going to be for his birthday, but that seems so far away, so it'll be just because!  Just need to block it and get some buttons.  And then a little bit of spinning, finishing off the silk hankies.  I soaked it in order to set the twist, and well, it stank like crazy.  A really strong fishy odour.  It's hanging outside to dry, but I'm torn between bringing it in in case it rains, and it stinking out my flat.  I've been told that the smell should fade, and will only be noticeable when it's wet, but for now, it's 72 metres of stinkiness!

Last day in Weston

So, two posts, but I'm mainly doing this because the two represent very different thoughts and feelings.  This is the more positive, less moany (I will resist!) one.  And it comes with pictures!  This is about reminding me to smile, breathe, and not completely ignore the world outside my little exam/revision bubble.  It is my last proper day in Weston, and so, during a moment of frustration, boredom and restlessness, I went for a nice walk.  I headed to the beach, as I realised that I haven't been down there at all this year, even though it's not much further than the same old places I keep hitting!  But enough with the words.

You can just about make out the pheasant, that randomly flew across the road in front of me and into these bushes at the bottom of The Hill.

Apparently where ducks (and old phoneboxes) like to hang out.

Gratuitous shots of the very cute fluff balls swimming and playing and diving in the canal.  Including this brave little independent one, venturing off by his(?)self

Then down to the beach, and a chance to people watch, get blown about, kick off my flipflops and be reminded of past beach trips, to better, and more exotic beaches, which brought back happy, warm, sunny, special memories.

These pictures are actually making it look nicer than it was, it wasn't nearly as warm and sunny as it appears to be, and it was very windy, hence the gliding sea gulls in the last picture.

At first glance, it seems so lifeless and bleak, but if you look closely, there's signs of life everywhere.  And of course, humour (this next picture makes me giggle, and in case it's not clear it says "Danger, sinking mud") and beauty (the second picture of a post weathered and aged) and then there's people being just too darn active for my liking!

And finally, on the walk back, I was overwhelmed by such a beautiful sweet scent, coming from these flowers, which I just had to take a photo (or two) of.  They had the most heady smell, and were really pretty, lush and unusual.  I loved the dark purplish foliage.

Yes, apparently there is a life beyond this little prison of books, patients, hospitals, exams and revision.  And it's quite lovely!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Day... I loose count

Yup, so I've not been updating, which is usually a sign that I'm not quite feeling right.  And I suppose it's partly that, and partly because my days have been mainly consisting of sitting around, doing revising, doing some spinning and some knitting (still on relatively secret projects) and trying to motivate myself to do a little more revision.  I'm still finding it so incredibly hard to focus and sit down and be really productive.  I keep on getting so easily distracted by silly mondain things - case in point, checking the Ravelry forums with stupid frequency, apparently no one else is just there sitting in front of their computers and chatting... but I still don't get the hint, and go off to check... again.  This is dangerous stuff.  And the worst thing is that I KNOW better, and I am aware of what I'm doing.  Just so darn hard.  Went to the local cafe yesterday and actually managed to do some good work there... first with a hot chocolate and then a bottle of cider (and no I didn't really get drunk!).  It was fairly productive, but I can't just carry on doing that... can I?  Why can't I bring myself to clear my table (for like the millionth time) and got on with work.  I know there's stuff I can be doing, and yes, I am aware that I'm not actually currently achieving anything sitting here moaning about it in a blog.  But anywhos...

I was really down the other day when I last spoke to my Mom, and I mentioned in passing that it was really tempting to go to Derby for a bit between the first exam and the next lot a couple of weeks later.  She immediately said no, she didn't think it was a good idea.  However, she phoned me earlier this evening and brought it up as a potential thing to do, but they would kick me out after a couple of days.  To which I said "What if I'm really productive?"  Apparently I'd get an extension then.  It's really tempting, although part of the temptation would be being close to my friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of going to Derby to revise.  I don't know what to do, but it is oh so tempting, especially if I don't have to worry about feeding myself and my parents can make sure I'm doing work.  But, and it's a huge but, it's a long way to go and it's a train fare, if I don't actually get on with the change of scenary being more productive thing.  So it's something I'll be thinking of over the next couple of days.

I had my practice session with the Prof.  Unfortantely, the patient I had consented the day before had forgot and thus hadn't told his visitors to come later.  So there was a mad dash on a Saturday, at visiting time, to find a patient.  The best we could do was find someone for a history only, so he didn't get to see me do the whole thing.  He had some very interesting feedback and hopefully things I can take forward with me to the exam on Friday.  He thinks that I come off a little naive because I explain myself to the patient too much and I'm too gentle.  I need to just be a little more aggressive/forceful (he thinks it would take a lot for me to become a bully, so don't worry!) and more in charge.  I'm the "doctor" the patient has expectations of me, that I will ask necessary things, and I don't have to explain why I do them.  So this would cut down on waffle, so save time, and make it look like I'm more in control.  It's strange, I've always worried about being a strong character, with little patience, and being a little aggressive and a tad bit of a bully, so I've worked really hard to overcome this, and I've ended up at the other extreme.  He did have some positive things to say as well, and he said it showed that I was thinking about different possible diagnoses etc, but that I need to do more of this.  He was all in all very positive, and invited me on his ward round so that I could listen to some of the doctors present to him, and see how he gets what he needs out of the patients.  This was very interesting, and hopefully useful.  Time will tell...

So the spinning looks a little like this, I got a delivery of some new spindles, so I've had to play, using some of my new fibres from last week, and using up some of the undyed that I have.  The undyed was the best I've done so far, and it's definitely showing signs of progress.  The dyed stuff is still in the early stages, but is working up really nicely, if not a little crazily thin!  Definitely a lace weight, and I'm going to work really hard on it (eventually) and use it over the summer.

Approx 160m of my very own handspun (I got really badly knotted during plying, so had to cut it, hence the two skeins)

Close up showing that I'm making some progress towards evenness and balance.

I had to be fairly creative with "setting the twist".  I think I slightly went overboard with the spin on the plying.  But for the record, this is what I've read online about how to do it, so it's not as crazy as it looks!

And finally, my new aventurine (I think) spindle, looking beautiful and already filling up with some uber fine single.  It's so fast and it's a joy to spin with, in my humble and limited experience!

Day six - oh $*!?, this is getting really close now!

One and a half clerkings done today (dinner interupted the second half way though, to be completed tomorrow)

And so the clerking saga continues.  And so does the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies this countdown (although, I more seem to be doing a countup!)  Sometimes I just think: "Bring it on!  I'm so ready for this" but I think this is mainly born from being bored with this stage of the academic year.  I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo here, just waiting for the inevitable.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on "book" work, I just feel so fixated and "stressed" (I don't feel stressed, but I feel something, best attributed to stress?) by this stupid long case and the effort of having to go clerking so much.  I want to close the door on this, and start on the other revision, which I really have been ignoring over the last few days.  And I feel so guilty about this, yet so unmotivated to do anything about this guilt.  I'm just not feeling The Fear of these other exams, I'm just all about the long case, and its so ruddy annoying.

And yet most of the time I'm living in perpetual fear over this exam.  I can't help but feel negative about it, after what I went through last year and over the last few months.  I panic over small things, which I know individually won't matter very much, but... but... but.... these small things can add up.  Have I done enough?  Can you ever do enough preparation?  Am I always going to kick myself and think I should have done more?  I've never been one for self-doubt, I don't think it's really a characteristic of medics in general.  But it's a really hard emotion to fight.  And sure, I have my positive moments, like yesterday's positive feedback, but I spend such huge chunks of time, practically paralysed by the fear and self-doubt. 

I've been working really hard on this clerking stuff for the last couple of weeks, and I really have so much desire to pass.  I have to say, the worst thing about having failed last year - the self-doubt it breads.  I can cope with the rest of it, but the self-doubt is crippling.

I've got an official practice long case tomorrow with one of the consultants who marks exams, so hopefully he'll be able to give some really good pointers and help pick up troublesome areas.  I'm hoping this, combined with the Prof's session on Saturday will do the trick and help me iron out any major outstanding issues.  Fingers crossed.

(And for those keeping score, I'm still feeling crazy hormonal.  I haven't had a PMT thingy this bad in I can't remember how long!  It's driving me bonkers, and probably not helping the things discussed above).

Day three - oh weekend, where are you?

Day three - two clerkings done.  Ran over time on both.  Really need to work on this.  Presented one of the cases to a housemate, and he gave me lots of food for thought, which didn't make me feel overly positive about my performance or my presentation.  Really need to work on this too.  So all in all, not feeling wildly positive about the day's achievements.  Or maybe I'm just reflecting the grey, drizzily cold weather?

It's not that I'm really hating doing the clerkings.  I actually feel really ambivalent about them.  Neither positive nor negative, they just are.  It's just the hassle of doing them.  The trying to find patients, working around meals, scans, visiting hours etc.  This has always been a major beef of mine with regards to this whole clerking malarkey.  We're just doing it to fill a portfolio, and to pass an exam.  It actually seems so pointless and irrelevant.  I actually quite enjoy it when I have something positive to contribute to patient care, and they're all shiny new to the hospital.  And you have some input to their tests and management.  It's more like the job than this bugging patients on the wards, especially when they're already all fed up of us bugging them.

And it's scaring the life out of me.  Only a week and a half until we are no longer allowed on the wards.  In a way this makes me want to stay over the weekend.  So I can be super-eager (read: driven by utter fear) and go in everyday.  But I really want to go back to Bristol.  To my flat, my spindle, my Sky plus and my friends (not necessarily in that order).  I'm going a bit stir crazy here in Weston, especially on days where the weather gets you down too.  I've also fallen into the trap of having no cash on me, so I can't even jump on a bus and go to the cinema or something like that, just to get a change of scenery.  The nearest cash machine is about a 25min walk away, and not something I want to do in the drizzly ran without a coat (I wasn't expecting this rubbish weather!!).  I just don't know what to do.  And I need to make up my mind so I can catch the people who are likely to be able to give me a lift back to Bristol.

Yup, it's just one of those days were I just want to moan!

Bluebell update

The wait is nearly over.  I hope that by Friday, it will be in full bloom and absolutely amazing!  Already seeing so much change since I last went and visited there, just last Wednesday.  Getting so excited, but also slightly worried that I have built it up and built it up and it won't be all that great.  But hey, it's something that brightens my days and gives me something to look forward to.

I was relieved to see that for a change, i wasn't the only one there with my camera out, although I did feel a little inadequate with my little happy-snappy compared to this photographer:

I know it isn't the best photo, didn't want to get too stalker-ish close!  His camera had the most enormous lens.  I bet he was getting great pics!

I also took a longer walk around the back of The Hill.  I always am enchanted about how remote and wild it seems, yet it really is just minutes away from the hospital and the house that I live in.  Truely fantastic.

And to add to the country-ness of it all, I went and said hello to the cows that are now grazing on The Hill, as part of maintaining the natural ecosystem.

And talking of the natural cycle of things, the field of buttercups from just a couple of weeks ago is decidedly less yellow.  Maybe the cows have really been enjoying the flowers!

And on to the slightly less bright and cheery outdoorsiness of these rambles of mine.  I have exchanged several emails with the Prof regarding my practise long case with him since Friday's little incident.  He's been asking me to think about what went wrong, and now he seems worried about my uncertainty.  He said I should look back and be self-critical.  He doesn't seem satisfied with my saying that I really don't know what it was.  I tried to explain that with the second long case, I was very nervous in light of having not done well enough in the first attempt, and that I thought that this had affected my performance.  He really didn't seem to like this, saying something along the lines of nerves having no place at my stage, and that practicing medicine is all about high pressure situations.  But I know that I'm not normally nervous.  I normally handle the pressure really well and that these nerves were in a very specific situation, and one that I won't really be coming across in my day-to-day work. 

Cutting a long story short, I really am starting to feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I think of it all.  I'm hating this pressure of expectation and to be honest, pure dread.  I'm really going to have to do something, no excuses now, this is it.  I have to do this, and in the next three weeks before my exam, I'm going to have to do everything I can to put myself in good stead and get over all this negativity and worry.  No more excuses, I have to hit the wards tomorrow, and clerk like mad, despite me hating the process of annoying patients!  And to this end, I'm going to be honest and accountable and keep a daily tally of how many patients I see.  I'm aiming for two a day.  I'll post everyday how I'm doing with this. 

And so to bed, for an early night and a productive day tomorrow.

Using tears to get my own way (inadvertently)

Also known as: accidently crying in front of someone who you respect and has clout in the university to arrange extra teaching/feedback even though he has told several people that he no longer has time to do this.

I feel so ashamed about having blubbed today in front of one of the Profs.  So embarrassing.  But he was going on about the people who failed last year and how that only two (out of about 280) people failed last year, solely on the basis of their long case, and that they were mostly failing across the board.  This makes me know I'm a member of a very exclusive group of just two.  How special am I?

And this was also after having just watched one of my friends do a mock long case with him.  She was dreadfully nervous and it hadn't gone very well.  He described her as borderline and that if it had been her second chance long case, he would have passed her.  Because they want people to pass.  They really do.  And that leaves me just thinking, hey, how bad could my second chance long case have gone last year for them not to have passed me.  That's just not fair.  I know that it was different examiners, and maybe if he had been my examiner last year, I wouldn't be writing this... But I am, and that just outright sucks.

And combine that with four hours of sleep (totally my own choice), it was just a little too much for me to cope with.  And well, for the first time in about 6 or 7 months, I cried about the situation I find myself in this year.  I mean, it wasn't hysterical crying, it was more the silent loosing battle against the welling up of tears. And it wasn't one of my proudest moments, not by a long shot.  And I hate that.  I hate that I cried in front of him, a friend and three people I don't really know.  I hate that I wasn't strong enough to just let it pass over me.  I hate that I got so emotional.  I hate that this is only about the 4th or 5th time I've cried about having failed. 

I was doing so well and being so strong.  And now this.  It feels like a set back.  And I know this is just a form of grief - judge me all you want, but my career is my life.  It's something I've nutured for the best part of a decade.  Not passing was like loosing a huge part of me.  It was more than not passing an exam.  It was the job I had lined up, the faith and pride and hope that others had in me, the financial implications, the lifestyle I was preparing for, the friends moving on.  It was a loss, this is grief.  Just a very abstract "thing" to have lost.  Not a person or an animal.  But it was me.  Everything I stood for and everything I had worked for for all those years.  I was shaken to the core, and had to re-evaluate everything.  I've never for one second stopped wanting this, and to achieve it, but it's been hard.  Harder than I usually like to admit.  Yes, a lot of the time, I have just got on with it, and it's just been life.  I don't know any different, and it's just something that I have to do to get where I want to go.  But today has made me realise a lot.  And this is the first time I've really openly expressed this.  It's really brought out how I'm feeling about everything and all the things I've tried with great success to repress with obsessive knitting and yarning.  But if I'm been honest with myself, it's always been there, just under the surface, waiting until I was in an intense, cozy setting and in front of someone I really respect to just all come out.

Living a full and varied life

This was the aim of my blog.  To remind myself to live a full and varied life.  But have I really been doing this?  I'm not always so sure. 

I think on the whole, this blog has been the cathartic tool that I was after.  A place to get my thoughts and feelings down and to explore them.  And there's no two ways about it, the last few months have been tough.  But I'm not the only one who suffers hardships, so I try to remind myself to handle whatever life throws at me with grace and acceptance, knowing that there are lessons to learn and grow from.  Failing, the car crash and all the fall out from those two things.  I've worked really hard on staying positive.  But I get side tracked in regards to this so easily.  I become wholey consumed by things.  In particular I've thrown all my energies into knitting.  And it's been this amazing rewarding path.  I've learnt so much and developed new skills.  And I don't regret it.  Although with exams getting ever closer, I'm finding it hard to pull my attentions away from the needles and towards the books.  This is partly my knitting obsession, and partly avoidance of revising, and revisiting all the things that I was doing this time last year.

So all in all, between revising and being knitting obsessed, I'm not sure if I've really been living to the full and varied life that I aspire to.  Yes, I know I've not been manically knitting the same thing over and over again.  I've been exploring the fibre arts in all sorts of ways, knitting, crocheting, dyeing, spinning.  And it's been rewarding to share the fruits of my labours.  But I know that not many people understand this obsession of mine.  I seldom attract negative comments, and if I do, they're usually jokingly issued.  But very few people get it.  They more just think I'm weird.  Not that I mind that, but still!  These people wouldn't think that there's much variety to it!

I'm not writing this post as a moan.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't really regret my lot in life.  I just sometimes think/want more.  And when there's such important things to be getting on with in my life (i.e. passing my exams), it really should be the furthest thing on my mind.  Expanding oneself is definitely something to do when there's more time!  But I can't help but sigh and desire to have time (and resources) to do it all.  To really happily believe that I live life to the fullest and it's full of variety.

On being patronised

Since I failed last summer, I've had nothing but the most wonderful support from pretty much everyone.  And it's really helped me process and move on.  But something happened yesterday to change that.  And I'd like to start out saying (it doesn't bode well with a statement like that, does it?!) that I have nothing against this person.  She's quite lovely, and friendly. 

Anyhows, some background.  I've always been completely honest and open about what happened, and patiently explained it to everyone.  People mostly guess something's not quite right.  They don't recognise me from their year, and it's just easier and simpler to get it out there, explain it and get it all over and done with.  And the response is usually positive.  There's a bit of curiosity, which I had been expecting, and the odd question and seeking of advice, and then that's it.  We just get on with everything else. 

Until I came across this particular girl.  She's a bit older than me and I suppose the fact that we're getting so close to exams doesn't help, but she seems quite obsessed with the whole failing thing.  She brings it up quite a lot.  I try to just let it be, but it's starting to get to me.  She's been asking me lots of questions about things I did, and lots of questions about the exams.  Well, to be honest, they were nearly 10 months ago, and I don't really tend to think much about them a week later, let alone at this point in the day.  I can't give her a blow by blow, question by question account of things.  But she seems to be demanding (maybe demanding is the wrong word, ?seeking?) more and more from me.  And everyone knows it was my long case that I failed on.  The "revision" for this is going to clerk patients on the ward for practise and keeping a portfolio of the patients we've seen.  She was quizzing me about this earlier on in the day, about how many I'd clerked last year (about 30) and how many I've done so far this year (about 15).  Then in the evening, we were doing a group revision session, and she turned round and said to me, "but yes, what were you saying to me earlier?  You only clerked 15 patients last year, what did you expect, you must have known that wasn't enough to pass with".  I felt like I'd been slapped.  Yes, I do take some degree of responsiblity for having not passed last year.  But I don't need (incorrect) faults been flung at me in such a flippant, insensitive manner.  I quickly corrected her, but clearly in her opinion I'm some lazy mare that got what I deserved.  She's so obsessed with my failing.  I don't need to continually discuss it.  I know I failed.  I've been reminded of that fact EVERY day over the last 9 - 10 months, why the hell else am I here and doing this?  I don't need it rubbing in, I'm perfectly capable of making myself feel bad about it all.  And she's also gone on a little rant about how I totally spent too much time concentrating on revising for one of the exams and spreading my focus around appropriately.

Maybe it hurts and annoys me so much because there is SOME truth to what she's saying.  But I've analysed the whole flipping thing so many times over the last few months, I don't need to continually disect what happened with someone who I barely know.  It's done, closed chapter.  I'm not a case study in what not to do.

After having had a fairly positive day, it really put a dampner on things.  And I know I really shouldn't be so upset by other peoples opinions or attitudes towards me.  But it does just taint my confidence to have myself attacked and scrutenised so thoroughly.  I get that she's worried because she's about to go through exams, and this is a stressor for anyone.  But what do I do?  She lives in my house in Weston, and she's one of eight people doing my rotation here.  I really want to tell her to drop the subject, but I don't know if I'll really be able to do that tactfully at this point in time.  But I really don't appreciate her attitude towards this particular event in my life.  In most other aspects, she's okay.  She just needs to drop this particular bone.