Day six - oh $*!?, this is getting really close now!

One and a half clerkings done today (dinner interupted the second half way though, to be completed tomorrow)

And so the clerking saga continues.  And so does the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies this countdown (although, I more seem to be doing a countup!)  Sometimes I just think: "Bring it on!  I'm so ready for this" but I think this is mainly born from being bored with this stage of the academic year.  I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo here, just waiting for the inevitable.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on "book" work, I just feel so fixated and "stressed" (I don't feel stressed, but I feel something, best attributed to stress?) by this stupid long case and the effort of having to go clerking so much.  I want to close the door on this, and start on the other revision, which I really have been ignoring over the last few days.  And I feel so guilty about this, yet so unmotivated to do anything about this guilt.  I'm just not feeling The Fear of these other exams, I'm just all about the long case, and its so ruddy annoying.

And yet most of the time I'm living in perpetual fear over this exam.  I can't help but feel negative about it, after what I went through last year and over the last few months.  I panic over small things, which I know individually won't matter very much, but... but... but.... these small things can add up.  Have I done enough?  Can you ever do enough preparation?  Am I always going to kick myself and think I should have done more?  I've never been one for self-doubt, I don't think it's really a characteristic of medics in general.  But it's a really hard emotion to fight.  And sure, I have my positive moments, like yesterday's positive feedback, but I spend such huge chunks of time, practically paralysed by the fear and self-doubt. 

I've been working really hard on this clerking stuff for the last couple of weeks, and I really have so much desire to pass.  I have to say, the worst thing about having failed last year - the self-doubt it breads.  I can cope with the rest of it, but the self-doubt is crippling.

I've got an official practice long case tomorrow with one of the consultants who marks exams, so hopefully he'll be able to give some really good pointers and help pick up troublesome areas.  I'm hoping this, combined with the Prof's session on Saturday will do the trick and help me iron out any major outstanding issues.  Fingers crossed.

(And for those keeping score, I'm still feeling crazy hormonal.  I haven't had a PMT thingy this bad in I can't remember how long!  It's driving me bonkers, and probably not helping the things discussed above).

Day two - still sticking to it... but begrudgingly

Just a quick update tonight as hardly anything to say.  Just mainly confirming that I did manage to clerk two patients today.  They were both ortho, so if nothing else it will be good practise for my ortho job as an F2.  Not much of an ortho fan, it has to be said, so I'm sure they weren't my best ever clerkings.

Found it even harder to get going today, and am currently feeling rather wiped out, despite having a coffee this evening for the first time in simply ages.  And truth be told (and sorry if it's TMI) I'm feeling a little hormonal.  Not in the crazy angry woman PMT kind of way, but in the week before my period where all I want to do is eat and eat (mmm, carbs!) and my breast's hurt and I loose my concentration very easily... ahhh the delights of being female.  But rather now than in a couple of weeks when my exam is actually in front of me and I have to cope with that and being of the XX genotype.

But female rant over.  Off to bed, and hopefully more sleep so tomorrow isn't quite such an effort.