The next round of "the day before..."

The countdown is most certainly on now.  The first written exam is tomorrow.  And it feels like it isn't really happening to me.  At this point with the long case a couple of weeks ago, I was certainly feeling it.  But now, just... numb...  Yup, I think numb sums it up best.  I feel suspended in this state of ... I don't know how to describe it.  It's strange... I just hope it ends soon, and I can get back to feeling like me.

There has been this huge danger all along, and I've really tried hard to fight it, of being complacent, I passed all the other exams last year really comfortably.  I've really been struggling against the feeling that I don't really need to work for it.  I have managed to work, but I still feel so guilty that I haven't worked as hard as I did last year.  But I had this sudden thought this evening (yup, it was something that only just struck me!), I'm not starting in the same place as I was last year.  I'm not back to the beginning, so maybe I shouldn't be beating myself up too much.  Arrrgh, it's such a difficult thing to strike a balance on.  I don't think I'll ever be able to work it so that I'm happy.  But time will tell...

Anyhows, should probably get back to some last minute cramming!  But before I do, my most recent projects.  A sweater for Connor, that was going to be for his birthday, but that seems so far away, so it'll be just because!  Just need to block it and get some buttons.  And then a little bit of spinning, finishing off the silk hankies.  I soaked it in order to set the twist, and well, it stank like crazy.  A really strong fishy odour.  It's hanging outside to dry, but I'm torn between bringing it in in case it rains, and it stinking out my flat.  I've been told that the smell should fade, and will only be noticeable when it's wet, but for now, it's 72 metres of stinkiness!

Looky what I made!

Still lots of revising, but managed to find a very quick knit for my handspun.  I'm so proud of it, and it looks amazing!

And a random little bit of other spinning, because I was going crazy without something to do.  It's some of the silk hankies I dyed over Easter.  I've got through most of it already, but have put it away, I'm not quite feeling the love as much, and I'm really struggling to get it even, which is a stress I don't really need right now!

It's back to Bristol tomorrow.  It's finally time, and it's finally starting to feel real that I have more exams coming up.  It's so tedious...

Still revising

Wow!  This really does seem like the never ending story part about 100.  So bored of this, so I won't spread the misery too much.  I've mainly been at home, barely leaving the house, beyond the odd trip into the garden and a lovely day spent in town with Emma, Chris and Connor.  It's frustrating to be missing out on such lovely weather, although to be honest, I'd probably have just ended up as a baked lobster, despite my best efforts to lather myself with sunblock!

I've finally finished my handspun that I keep mentioning.  I'm so proud of it, and have already cast on a little triangular scarf.  I just love the colours and still can't believe that I MADE that yarn!  Pictures of the scarf in progress will follow.

And that's about all I have to say for now.  I doubt I'll have much more to say over the coming days, so I'm not likely to post very much.

Revising(ish)

I think I've at long last recovered from Friday and it's build up.  It's been a harsh journey, much more so than I realised, but then the weekend came, and... well I'm glad I came home, I really needed that support.  I've been utterly exhausted, teary, headachy and just very down.  Is this what stress is?  It's not what I thought "stress" would be, but I can't think of any other explanation.  It's so surreal, and not me at all.  I knew that it was a tough build up to Friday, but I didn't think that I felt stressed.  This all sounds a little bizarre - how can I not know myself and my physical and emotional response to such pressure?  I don't know, I suppose this is the most intense period of stress in my life, and I suppose I've just not reacted/responded how I thought I would.  One thing I do know is that I'm not expressing myself very well here, and I'm just coming off as a little strange...

The weekend wasn't the most productive time, although I'm not sure if I really mind this.  I was talking to the people I was living with in Weston and they all pretty much said they would take the weekend off, so maybe I should have set off with that attitude.  Pushing myself to revise probably wasn't beneficial, but I suppose no harm was ultimately done.  I'm trying to build myself up again into a rhythm of lots of work and lots of revising.  I'm getting there... slowly.  I feel less tired today than I have in a while, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'll get a headache in the next couple of hours and just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.  But I was able to fight this yesterday courtesy of some paracetamol and a cup of tea, and just sitting in a semi-darkened room and taking it easy.

I've been spinning like mad and doing a little bit of knitting here and there as a distractor/post dinner time filler.  I've mainly been working on my blue, lilac and pink stole, it's slowly growing, although I am fast approaching the end of my first skein (at last!) and I didn't bring the other one... ooops!  And I'm about 60% through spinning the singles out of that coloured top, and I'm not sure if I want to ply on my green spindle, so the end of that project is coming soon here in Derby, as I didn't bring either of my other spindles.  Mmmm, I may have to just revise - shock horror!  Lol!  I've got lots of wool here, from the Easter dyeing, but none of my needles, so I could raid my mums... but I'd also need to think of what I wanted to do with it all!  And that all just might be too big of a distraction for now...

Derby: Breathe and reboot

Yay, home with my mummy! :)  Although admittedly I'm now home alone (unless my brother counts...) it was so nice to come home to have my mum there to give me a hug and to let myself get rid of some very built up tension.  And as always, nice not to have to cook my own food, and nice to have a proper relaxing bath, a nice comfy bed, a good night's sleep.  Yes, it was the right thing to do to come back here.

But now... lol, oh so tempted to make arrangements to see friends?  Do I dare, because there is just such a strong possiblitiy that "an hour or two" turns into half the day!  But friends are an important part of my support network... right?  Lol!  I will have to be very strong and make sure I minimise unrevision time, e.g. read stuff on bus.  mmmm.... and my mum can't moan too much, she's been busy making plans to have my grandparents and aunt round for Sunday lunch, as if that's not going to be a distraction!?

But I am feeling more ready to go and tackle the world, now I just need to go get some food in my belly and a cuppa and who knows what I could achieve!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Weston, oh Weston...

No guesses as to where I am right now.  Yup, returned to Weston today in preparation for the dreaded exam on Friday morning.  I feel like I'm in some sort of suspended animation here.   How can it be that close, yet, how can it still be that far away?  It's so surreal, and maybe it is just a case of been there, done that syndrome, but it just doesn't feel real, or feel like it's really happening to me.  I try to think back to this time last year, and I'm sure I wasn't this nonchalant about it all.  But hey, I've become an expert on how to moan about it all!  Sorry!

I've been a bit better today with focusing and revising, although it doesn't really take very much to improve on this.  I've completed a 190 question practice exam, with over 45mins to spare (although admittedly, didn't go back and check over my answers, was soooo bored at this stage) and got a very respectable 75%, so fairly relieved with that, although there is such a huge danger of me falling into the trap of complacency.

I've very annoyingly run out of wool on my latest (still secret) project, and since I'm using some of my hand-dyed there's no chance of a random stranger rescuing me.  I'm going to have to find the time to go to a yarn shop and find a suitably matching in colour and texture yarn to do contrasting bits.  Admittedly don't have much to do, but still, it's very annoying, but I will do these things! 

In an attempt to focus on revision, I left it all my other knitted etc back in Bristol, besides the little bit I had which I finished this evening in front of Desperate Housewives.  So, tomorrow will be an entire day without knitting, and I think I'm getting cold sweats at the very thought.  It will be the first day since last summer where I've forced myself not to knit.  I can count on one hand pretty much, the number of days since last summer that I haven't knitted or crocheted.  And it's always been due to having a really busy day, or being really ill in bed.  Hmmm, hope it will be worth it. 

Day... I loose count

Yup, so I've not been updating, which is usually a sign that I'm not quite feeling right.  And I suppose it's partly that, and partly because my days have been mainly consisting of sitting around, doing revising, doing some spinning and some knitting (still on relatively secret projects) and trying to motivate myself to do a little more revision.  I'm still finding it so incredibly hard to focus and sit down and be really productive.  I keep on getting so easily distracted by silly mondain things - case in point, checking the Ravelry forums with stupid frequency, apparently no one else is just there sitting in front of their computers and chatting... but I still don't get the hint, and go off to check... again.  This is dangerous stuff.  And the worst thing is that I KNOW better, and I am aware of what I'm doing.  Just so darn hard.  Went to the local cafe yesterday and actually managed to do some good work there... first with a hot chocolate and then a bottle of cider (and no I didn't really get drunk!).  It was fairly productive, but I can't just carry on doing that... can I?  Why can't I bring myself to clear my table (for like the millionth time) and got on with work.  I know there's stuff I can be doing, and yes, I am aware that I'm not actually currently achieving anything sitting here moaning about it in a blog.  But anywhos...

I was really down the other day when I last spoke to my Mom, and I mentioned in passing that it was really tempting to go to Derby for a bit between the first exam and the next lot a couple of weeks later.  She immediately said no, she didn't think it was a good idea.  However, she phoned me earlier this evening and brought it up as a potential thing to do, but they would kick me out after a couple of days.  To which I said "What if I'm really productive?"  Apparently I'd get an extension then.  It's really tempting, although part of the temptation would be being close to my friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of going to Derby to revise.  I don't know what to do, but it is oh so tempting, especially if I don't have to worry about feeding myself and my parents can make sure I'm doing work.  But, and it's a huge but, it's a long way to go and it's a train fare, if I don't actually get on with the change of scenary being more productive thing.  So it's something I'll be thinking of over the next couple of days.

I had my practice session with the Prof.  Unfortantely, the patient I had consented the day before had forgot and thus hadn't told his visitors to come later.  So there was a mad dash on a Saturday, at visiting time, to find a patient.  The best we could do was find someone for a history only, so he didn't get to see me do the whole thing.  He had some very interesting feedback and hopefully things I can take forward with me to the exam on Friday.  He thinks that I come off a little naive because I explain myself to the patient too much and I'm too gentle.  I need to just be a little more aggressive/forceful (he thinks it would take a lot for me to become a bully, so don't worry!) and more in charge.  I'm the "doctor" the patient has expectations of me, that I will ask necessary things, and I don't have to explain why I do them.  So this would cut down on waffle, so save time, and make it look like I'm more in control.  It's strange, I've always worried about being a strong character, with little patience, and being a little aggressive and a tad bit of a bully, so I've worked really hard to overcome this, and I've ended up at the other extreme.  He did have some positive things to say as well, and he said it showed that I was thinking about different possible diagnoses etc, but that I need to do more of this.  He was all in all very positive, and invited me on his ward round so that I could listen to some of the doctors present to him, and see how he gets what he needs out of the patients.  This was very interesting, and hopefully useful.  Time will tell...

So the spinning looks a little like this, I got a delivery of some new spindles, so I've had to play, using some of my new fibres from last week, and using up some of the undyed that I have.  The undyed was the best I've done so far, and it's definitely showing signs of progress.  The dyed stuff is still in the early stages, but is working up really nicely, if not a little crazily thin!  Definitely a lace weight, and I'm going to work really hard on it (eventually) and use it over the summer.

Approx 160m of my very own handspun (I got really badly knotted during plying, so had to cut it, hence the two skeins)

Close up showing that I'm making some progress towards evenness and balance.

I had to be fairly creative with "setting the twist".  I think I slightly went overboard with the spin on the plying.  But for the record, this is what I've read online about how to do it, so it's not as crazy as it looks!

And finally, my new aventurine (I think) spindle, looking beautiful and already filling up with some uber fine single.  It's so fast and it's a joy to spin with, in my humble and limited experience!

Day six - oh $*!?, this is getting really close now!

One and a half clerkings done today (dinner interupted the second half way though, to be completed tomorrow)

And so the clerking saga continues.  And so does the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies this countdown (although, I more seem to be doing a countup!)  Sometimes I just think: "Bring it on!  I'm so ready for this" but I think this is mainly born from being bored with this stage of the academic year.  I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo here, just waiting for the inevitable.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on "book" work, I just feel so fixated and "stressed" (I don't feel stressed, but I feel something, best attributed to stress?) by this stupid long case and the effort of having to go clerking so much.  I want to close the door on this, and start on the other revision, which I really have been ignoring over the last few days.  And I feel so guilty about this, yet so unmotivated to do anything about this guilt.  I'm just not feeling The Fear of these other exams, I'm just all about the long case, and its so ruddy annoying.

And yet most of the time I'm living in perpetual fear over this exam.  I can't help but feel negative about it, after what I went through last year and over the last few months.  I panic over small things, which I know individually won't matter very much, but... but... but.... these small things can add up.  Have I done enough?  Can you ever do enough preparation?  Am I always going to kick myself and think I should have done more?  I've never been one for self-doubt, I don't think it's really a characteristic of medics in general.  But it's a really hard emotion to fight.  And sure, I have my positive moments, like yesterday's positive feedback, but I spend such huge chunks of time, practically paralysed by the fear and self-doubt. 

I've been working really hard on this clerking stuff for the last couple of weeks, and I really have so much desire to pass.  I have to say, the worst thing about having failed last year - the self-doubt it breads.  I can cope with the rest of it, but the self-doubt is crippling.

I've got an official practice long case tomorrow with one of the consultants who marks exams, so hopefully he'll be able to give some really good pointers and help pick up troublesome areas.  I'm hoping this, combined with the Prof's session on Saturday will do the trick and help me iron out any major outstanding issues.  Fingers crossed.

(And for those keeping score, I'm still feeling crazy hormonal.  I haven't had a PMT thingy this bad in I can't remember how long!  It's driving me bonkers, and probably not helping the things discussed above).

Day two - still sticking to it... but begrudgingly

Just a quick update tonight as hardly anything to say.  Just mainly confirming that I did manage to clerk two patients today.  They were both ortho, so if nothing else it will be good practise for my ortho job as an F2.  Not much of an ortho fan, it has to be said, so I'm sure they weren't my best ever clerkings.

Found it even harder to get going today, and am currently feeling rather wiped out, despite having a coffee this evening for the first time in simply ages.  And truth be told (and sorry if it's TMI) I'm feeling a little hormonal.  Not in the crazy angry woman PMT kind of way, but in the week before my period where all I want to do is eat and eat (mmm, carbs!) and my breast's hurt and I loose my concentration very easily... ahhh the delights of being female.  But rather now than in a couple of weeks when my exam is actually in front of me and I have to cope with that and being of the XX genotype.

But female rant over.  Off to bed, and hopefully more sleep so tomorrow isn't quite such an effort.

Day one - and sticking to it!

The events of yesterday have really haunted me over the last 24 hours.  I had a really restless night sleep, waking up on several occasions and struggling to get back to sleep without spending ages obssessing over it all.  And as a result, this morning I didn't really feel the whole "bright eyed, bushy tailed" thing going on... far from it.  I felt really unrefreshed and not very proactive.  So it took me quite a while to get going and get to the wards.  But I did, by about 10am.  And I clerked a patient.  I was fairly happy with how it went.  Not sure I would have got his diagnosis if I had been the doctor that first saw him, but flicking through the notes afterwards, I don't think that his first doctor did completely, so that was reassuring.  What I was most happy with was that I really nailed the timing, had 10mins to spare, which I'm really proud of.  And yes there were a couple of things that I forgot (kicked myself when I remembered afterwards), but they were pretty minor, and would have most likely only accounted for a couple more minutes at most.  Timing was definitely something I struggled with last year, so it's an improvement.

I had teaching over lunch and then my coursemates and I sat around having a really mellow half hour before heading on with our days.  I did a little bit of work, and finished writing up my examination from the morning.  Then I hit the wards again.  Annoyingly took ages to find a patient who didn't have visitors, wasn't asleep, wasn't confused, wasn't acutely poorly and wasn't immediately post surgery.  It was so frustrating and quite a waste of time.  But I did find a lovely patient to clerk who had an interesting story and was very sweet to talk to, although she did ask me to stop before I had finished my examination as she was getting a lot of pain and couldn't cope any more.  So that was a little disappointing, but totally within her rights.  And I reckon I was doing ok timewise, so happy with that too.

And that's it, I did my two clerkings that I had aimed to do, and I feel really good about it.  I'm sure I'll get a much better sleep tonight and feel more pro-active tomorrow.  And dare I say, shall I aim to clerk three patients?  Might be pushing it, so maybe will set a MINIMUM of two instead.

So nearly there!

With the wool fleece all but finished (and now all in my freezer - apparently there's a risk of nasty little bugs that eat wool, and since my stash has become increasingly valuable, I've taken preventative action), I've moved onto the only other thing I had in my flat to spin.  The silk hanky I made on the dye your own workshop back in February.  It did look a little something like this before I got my grubby spindling hands on it!

It is now going through the most beautiful transformation, which is leaving me wishing that I had more as it's so pretty when spun.  I have to carefully peel away the layers to get a single stretched out cocoon at a time, predrafting (necessary here, rather than a beginner's cheat!) and spinning.  *sigh*

It's working out so beautifully and so much the colours that I love in life.  It's also coming out very fine and quite even.  Can you tell that I'm so in love with this!?  I've left it in Bristol as I returned to Weston today.  There's just about five more cocoons to do.  It's going to be such a short length, especially if I ply it.  So am tempted to leave it as an ultra fine single.

So back in Weston.  I was fairly good today in terms of doing revison and going into the hospital.  So I rewarded myself with a long stroll around my favourite haunts and some new ones, armed with my camera.  I took loads of photos, so many of which I've very impressed with, and somewhat proud.  I don't think I could really put them all up here, but I have uploaded my album here, on google albums, if anyone wants to check them out.  I had a short list of 24, which I decicided I had to wittle down to just (!) these:

The bluebells are the inspiration for my blog title, they're teasing me with how close they are to blanketing the field!

The sun was almost directly behind this tree, giving it the most gorgeous halo effect on the photos!  Pretty.

Spot the cat (?maybe a dog, not sure, was too far away to see!)

Then I decided to get some interesting perspective shots of the back end of The Hill, and show different views of the church.  The shear rock face is stunning and makes for a really interesting positioning of the church, which I don't think my previous posts have got across.

I love the humour of this photo.  The boats all lined up in the dry(ish) docks.  Clearly their owner's pride and joy.  All neatly lined up in their slots.  And then there's this tiny little row boat in the line.  A serious case of mine's bigger than yours going on!

I only noticed when I got home that this shot, of trying to get perspective on the cliff, managed to capture a bird of some sort, soaring high above me!  Very cool!

Trying to capture the bird on the branch, sitting next to the bird in the nest. But bird number one decided to give me an action shot instead, which was also pretty darn cool.

All in all, a lovely stroll out in the sunshine.  Still full of so much promise of things to come, ready to brighten up my revision dreary days.

Living a full and varied life

This was the aim of my blog.  To remind myself to live a full and varied life.  But have I really been doing this?  I'm not always so sure. 

I think on the whole, this blog has been the cathartic tool that I was after.  A place to get my thoughts and feelings down and to explore them.  And there's no two ways about it, the last few months have been tough.  But I'm not the only one who suffers hardships, so I try to remind myself to handle whatever life throws at me with grace and acceptance, knowing that there are lessons to learn and grow from.  Failing, the car crash and all the fall out from those two things.  I've worked really hard on staying positive.  But I get side tracked in regards to this so easily.  I become wholey consumed by things.  In particular I've thrown all my energies into knitting.  And it's been this amazing rewarding path.  I've learnt so much and developed new skills.  And I don't regret it.  Although with exams getting ever closer, I'm finding it hard to pull my attentions away from the needles and towards the books.  This is partly my knitting obsession, and partly avoidance of revising, and revisiting all the things that I was doing this time last year.

So all in all, between revising and being knitting obsessed, I'm not sure if I've really been living to the full and varied life that I aspire to.  Yes, I know I've not been manically knitting the same thing over and over again.  I've been exploring the fibre arts in all sorts of ways, knitting, crocheting, dyeing, spinning.  And it's been rewarding to share the fruits of my labours.  But I know that not many people understand this obsession of mine.  I seldom attract negative comments, and if I do, they're usually jokingly issued.  But very few people get it.  They more just think I'm weird.  Not that I mind that, but still!  These people wouldn't think that there's much variety to it!

I'm not writing this post as a moan.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't really regret my lot in life.  I just sometimes think/want more.  And when there's such important things to be getting on with in my life (i.e. passing my exams), it really should be the furthest thing on my mind.  Expanding oneself is definitely something to do when there's more time!  But I can't help but sigh and desire to have time (and resources) to do it all.  To really happily believe that I live life to the fullest and it's full of variety.

Having a cold = not much revision

I've really been off the ball today.  I have mainly been sitting around feeling tired and sniffly.  And a little worse for wear.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly on death's door and it's not a particularly bad cold.  But it still makes me very unproductive.  Reading for long periods is like torture.  I either get a pounding congested headache, or my eyes start stinging and watering.  And so it's just no fun.  Not at all... queue even more guilt about how much revision I've been doing.  But all I can do right now is keep up the fluids, put oodles more vaseline on my lips and sleep, and blow my nose... yet again.  I need to recover and get over this in record time.  So, keep fingers crossed everybody!

£5.60 well spent

One student South-West day ticket = £5.60.
Number of buses taken today: 9
Time spent on buses today: 4.5
Value for money?  Better well believe it!

Yes, today was just one of those days.  Throw in a cold (yes, it wasn't just hayfever afterall) and I'm absolutely shattered and can't wait to sleep!  If my nose and throat will allow it.  And why am I not going to bed now, just writting about wanting to go to bed?  Group revision session scheduled for half an hours time.  I'm not really sure I get the most learning benefit out of group revising, but it gives me a chance to spend time with others, and to get an idea of what people are revising, so I can think to myself - "I hadn't remembered to revise that yet, I'll add it to the list". 

So, how on earth did I manage nine bus journeys today?
Journey 1 (07:30):  My flat (Bristol) to town.  This was actually free, as the chap didn't have any of the cards to print a day ticket out on.
Journey 2 (08:15): Town to GP surgery to do my presentation.  I got loads of really positive feedback from everyone at the meeting, so I felt really good about it all, and that I'd actually done something right, and something useful.
Journey 3 (10:00):  GP surgery to town
Journey 4(10:50): Bristol town to Weston Town.  By this point starting to feel rather tired.
Journey 5 (11:45) Weston town to hopital. 

Sat having lunch, feeling a bit worse for wear due to the cold finally taking effect.  Flicking through magazine (Yarn forward) thinking about what else I could possibly learn to do with wool - spinning my own yarn.  Hang on a sec, isn't there a shop that specialises in all thing spinning nearish to Weston and Bristol.  Consulted timetables and websites and decide to make a dash for it, since I clearly wasn't going to be much good going into the hospital, and I had the day ticket already, so would just be making the most of it.

Journey 6 (14.10): Hospital to town.  Spent ages trying to track down the bus stop.  Website didn't mention that half of Weston is being dug up.  Missed the bus.  Only runs once an hour.  Not well impressed.  Wondered round a bit, stocked up on cold relief meds, etc.
Journey 7 (15:35):  Weston town to Clevedon town.

Visited Spinning Weal.  Fell in love!  Amazing shop, and amazing owner.  She let me play around with all the spindles and explained some of the basics.  She makes her own, very basic beginner spindles, only £2.  Gave me nearly a double bag (therefore just short of 200g) of wool for the price of 100g.  She has her own sheep, and this is wool from her sheep.  How cool is that?  So barely spent any money, and it will provide hours of entertainment when exams are over and done with... and maybe just a little before then!

My first few attempts have been interesting.  It doesn't completely look like yarn.  It's ermm, "highly textured" and most definitely a slub yarn!  But I'm getting the hang of it a little, and Sarah (shop owner) said I was picking it up very quickly.  :)  Ahhh, what fun... I do like to play.

Journey 8 (17:50): Clevedon to Weston
Journey 9 (19:10):  Town to hospital.  Completely shattered.  But all in all a very positive day.  And don't worry, I did lots of reading and revising on the bus and at the various bus stops of the South-West!

And must go think of something to give a mini-tutorial to the others on.  And then bed.  Sorry about the lack of words/proper sentences.  Just had exciting things to say but not the energy or head to say them. 

On being patronised

Since I failed last summer, I've had nothing but the most wonderful support from pretty much everyone.  And it's really helped me process and move on.  But something happened yesterday to change that.  And I'd like to start out saying (it doesn't bode well with a statement like that, does it?!) that I have nothing against this person.  She's quite lovely, and friendly. 

Anyhows, some background.  I've always been completely honest and open about what happened, and patiently explained it to everyone.  People mostly guess something's not quite right.  They don't recognise me from their year, and it's just easier and simpler to get it out there, explain it and get it all over and done with.  And the response is usually positive.  There's a bit of curiosity, which I had been expecting, and the odd question and seeking of advice, and then that's it.  We just get on with everything else. 

Until I came across this particular girl.  She's a bit older than me and I suppose the fact that we're getting so close to exams doesn't help, but she seems quite obsessed with the whole failing thing.  She brings it up quite a lot.  I try to just let it be, but it's starting to get to me.  She's been asking me lots of questions about things I did, and lots of questions about the exams.  Well, to be honest, they were nearly 10 months ago, and I don't really tend to think much about them a week later, let alone at this point in the day.  I can't give her a blow by blow, question by question account of things.  But she seems to be demanding (maybe demanding is the wrong word, ?seeking?) more and more from me.  And everyone knows it was my long case that I failed on.  The "revision" for this is going to clerk patients on the ward for practise and keeping a portfolio of the patients we've seen.  She was quizzing me about this earlier on in the day, about how many I'd clerked last year (about 30) and how many I've done so far this year (about 15).  Then in the evening, we were doing a group revision session, and she turned round and said to me, "but yes, what were you saying to me earlier?  You only clerked 15 patients last year, what did you expect, you must have known that wasn't enough to pass with".  I felt like I'd been slapped.  Yes, I do take some degree of responsiblity for having not passed last year.  But I don't need (incorrect) faults been flung at me in such a flippant, insensitive manner.  I quickly corrected her, but clearly in her opinion I'm some lazy mare that got what I deserved.  She's so obsessed with my failing.  I don't need to continually discuss it.  I know I failed.  I've been reminded of that fact EVERY day over the last 9 - 10 months, why the hell else am I here and doing this?  I don't need it rubbing in, I'm perfectly capable of making myself feel bad about it all.  And she's also gone on a little rant about how I totally spent too much time concentrating on revising for one of the exams and spreading my focus around appropriately.

Maybe it hurts and annoys me so much because there is SOME truth to what she's saying.  But I've analysed the whole flipping thing so many times over the last few months, I don't need to continually disect what happened with someone who I barely know.  It's done, closed chapter.  I'm not a case study in what not to do.

After having had a fairly positive day, it really put a dampner on things.  And I know I really shouldn't be so upset by other peoples opinions or attitudes towards me.  But it does just taint my confidence to have myself attacked and scrutenised so thoroughly.  I get that she's worried because she's about to go through exams, and this is a stressor for anyone.  But what do I do?  She lives in my house in Weston, and she's one of eight people doing my rotation here.  I really want to tell her to drop the subject, but I don't know if I'll really be able to do that tactfully at this point in time.  But I really don't appreciate her attitude towards this particular event in my life.  In most other aspects, she's okay.  She just needs to drop this particular bone.

Hayfever season is here!

I'm sitting here really really hoping that my dry scratchy throat that has been festering all day is blasted hayfever and not the start of a cold.  This time of year, I never can tell, I have to let time and the development or not of other cold symptoms answer my ponderings.  I think it is hayfever, despite me talking my tablets for most days of the last week or so.  And my eyes are giving me hassles too.  All in favor of hayfever, just normally can control it with tablets.  Am using a different brand, but it's the same dose of the same active ingredient that I've used every summer for the last four or five years.  But ooooh well...

As promised, I remembered my camera today when I went on a walk.  This walk is probably to blame for the hayfever, but it was such a glorious day and I really couldn't resist.  And I wasn't concentrating very well, so getting some exercise (even if just a gentle walk around the village and up the hill) is always beneficial.

The Plantation is decidedly yellow.  Partly with the end of the daffodils, but mainly with flowers, which although impressive, I can't name.  There are some dandilions, cowslips (mostly still only buds) and maybe some buttercups, but mostly stuff which my meagre knowledge of Bristish plants just can't identify.  But who cares, it's still very pretty!

Dandilions and a clump of unknown little yellow flowers (not greatest picture)

Bluebell stalks hinting at things to come

Clowslips also giving hints

Up on The Hill, where there are minimal flowers for most of it, a couple of butterflies decided to flirt around me, tempting me, but making it very hard to take photos.  This was as about as good as it got:

And I found the bit of The Hill that actually is blanketed in flowers.  It's a bit more of a sheltered area, so I think things have more of a chance of making it.  The Hill is on the whole very exposed and very windy!

I initially thought that these were buttercups, but I think the petals are too pointy.  So I don't know what they are, but it's again very pretty and that's what counts!

And here I sit, back in my room, chewing gum in the hope that it soothes my dry throat (mininal benefit!) and taking a break from the books.  Am finding it so strange to be revising again, and going over the stuff I did last year, but I'm so very glad I made such good notes last year, I'm really finding them very good and useful, and there's only the odd word here and there that I can read - maybe I have a doctor's handwriting after all!

Heading back to business

Easter break is well and truly over.  And above all, it has been a break.  I’ve not rushed myself, worked myself, pressured myself.  I’ve just relaxed.  One could perhaps argue that this was the last thing I need to do, with exams getting so close, and heaven forbid my mother ever finds out how little revision I’ve done.  But I disagree… or perhaps I’m fighting to justify my actions.  After the last few months that I’ve had, probably going right back to last summer, I’ve been stressed and quite down at times.  And I don’t believe that that’s the most productive frame of mind for me.  I need to unwind, and just be.  I feel completely refreshed, and so ready to hit the road running and really just get on with life and answer all the demands that my particular path has thrown at me.  I really do feel at ease and replenished, and what better way to enter the stress that will be the next few months.  And boy, are they going to be busy!  There’s so many dates that I have to aim to, but I suppose the main one is August 4.  That is the “Official” start date of working, although I will have had about a week and a half of induction at the hospital for which I will be paid for… so arguably, I’ll be working before then… but that is the date to keep in mind.  But before that, there is revising, normal uni commitments, exams, graduation, summer, relaxing, moving and no doubt just a wee bit of knitting!

I suppose today is the first day that I’ve really given the next few weeks serious thought.  I KNEW that I have exams coming up, but they’ve all been a little distant.  But now, as I say goodbye to all the loved ones in Derby, knowing that I won’t be back until after everything has been done, it’s starting to feel real.  And I’ve had my first taste of “the fear”.  This is the thing that focuses me and makes me revise.  I’ve been waiting for it for ages.  I never really can focus or be productive without it.  I’m a last minute person, and most people I know got it ages ago.  But I’m glad I’ve got it now.  It’s the proverbial kick up the backside that demands action.  And rather than it being a negative experience, I feel exhilarated by it.  So very alive.  I love this feeling.  And I know that this in part stems from being in a relaxed, positive frame of mind.  I know I can do it!

I’m sitting on a coach typing this (obviously not online).  They must be doing works or repairs on the rail line somewhere.  So my usually direct, 2hr 10min train journey is now a 3hr 10min train-coach-train affair.  I’m back on my old haunt, the M5.  So weird to be a passenger.  So used to nipping down this road in my car.  It’s so familiar, but not.  And how bad is it that as I’m travelling along, gazing out at the fields, seeing the sheep and their lambs everywhere, I can’t help but want to rush up to them and run my hands threw their fleeces and well… steal it to knit with.  Like I even need anymore wool!  Lol, yes I know, you’re probably thinking “and you think that that’s all that’s wrong with that!!”.  Yes, I admit, I’m a nutter and wool/yarn obsessed. I’ll just have to make do with the thought that my YarnAddict sock club yarn should be waiting for me when I get in, eventually!

And finally, special thoughts for a special and very dear to me family.  Sarah and co, I’m thinking of you and hope that Rowan gets better in time for her birthday.  I’m so glad I got a chance to visit you in hospital this time round, I felt so helpless, useless and far away before, so I’m glad I could offer my support, even if it was just a bit of company for a couple of hours.  And on a more positive note, thanks for making this last week and a bit so special, fun and productive.  I’ve loved every moment, and as always, I could never thank you or repay you enough for what you have done (and continue to do) for me over the last year.  So big love, hugs and kisses will have to make do for now, and my warmest thoughts and prayers.

Colourful days, mucky hands and a guilty conscience!

Yup, that title pretty much sums up my Easter break.  Lol!  I've had a fantastic time, so far.  Even the delights of public transport on a holiday weekend (think sardine can) could dull my spirits.

My folks are away on holiday (gone to South Africa to visit family), so I've had very little reason to stay in at home... well... besides revision, which I really should be doing!  As a result, I've pratically lived at Sarah's house (ohhh, you bad bad bad enabler) thanks to her generosity and open house policy.  I've had lots of time to catch up with friends, have baby cuddles, play with the kids, eat good food, have a thoughtful Passover celebration and play, yarnie style!

Connor has been growing like crazy.  I can't believe he's already starting to experience the delights of eating food.  He has got the most gorgeous big grin of a smile and is so quick to laugh and charm whoever catches his eye.  He's absolutely lovely!

And Chris proving to me why I don't get people to pose - they pull faces!  Lol!

And this little toddler, who is soooooo not up to any mischief!

Morgi being typically opinionated!

Jenna polishing off the olives!  Mmmm, tasty food!  Thanks to Sarah who's feed me almost everyday this week!

Including very tasty choc chestnut torte, which the baby found too irrisistable!  Even if that meant having to lick the plates left within arms reach.  Yum!

And the joys of happy laughter filling the days with just the simple things of a hideout created by the tablecloth from dinner.

And on to adult games.  Following the amazing time I had on my hand dye workshop, I decided it was something I just had to do again, especially if I could use it as an opportunity to share the fun and excitement.  So Sarah and I got planning and set about getting ready to play.  And apparently I can't say no!  We ended up with the most ginormous pile of wool to experiement with (approx 4kgs), and a whole host of colours (I think a total of 11!).

 Piles of yarn and wool fibres

Starting the epic pre-soaking

We decided since we had so much to play around with, we would experiment with loads of different techniques.  So we:

Painted

 Steamed

 And used a pot for immersion type techniques

We also used it as an opportunity to try out some other things that I haven't attempted before with dying, namely, playsilks (clearly, not for me, but I did get to paint one which is for Emma and Connor) and "raw" wool fibres, which are going to be for me to learn how to felt.  And I also got a couple of sock blanks to play around with and hopefully eventually get some socks with some pretty cool effects - stripes and a green of varying depths of tone, hopefully should work out as light at the cuff, getting darker down the leg and onto the foot.  We'll see...

Sarah making her massive rainbow play silk.  It looks very impressive (I'll have to get a picture of it at some point!)

The playsilk I made for Emma, all wet and clinging to itself.  I was actually quite proud of it especially as I thought I had screwed it up a little when I was painting it.

(The baby didn't want to get out of the shot!! There was too much pretty wool to play with!)

Most of the haul from Day 1 of dying.  Most of this here is for Sarah or Emma.  The purple and red (bottom), massive rainbow hank (under the yellow and purple in the middle) and the earthy rainbow (near middle next to yellow and purple) are mine.  The two rainbow ones were done in a similar way, but gave very different effects!

We eventually had to do a second day of dying as there was so much yarn!  (Apparently I have issues with self control when it comes to ordering yarn online!)  The products of this day are still at Sarah's drying, but once they're all dry, I will catalogue them all and show them off in all their full glory.  I can't wait to see them in their final forms, all dry and in proper light to see what I got in the end!  And I can't wait until I get an opportunity to create things with them.  Can't wait at all!

And in terms of other non-dying events, I've spent some time with Sam, who came to dye day 1, and later had me round to a very tasty Indian diner and a bit of a games night.  Appparently I'm a dreadful gambler (in that I loose money very quickly!) and a movie buff  (well when teamed up with Sam!).  I had a bit of an upset tummy over the weekend, but it turned out to only be a 24 hour type thing, so I spent most of the day half heartedly watching tv or asleep in front of it, before bouncing back to be in the swing of it in time to dye and eat out some more.

"And the guilty conscience?" I hear you ask.  Well, that would be down to the shockingly small amount of revision that I've done.  Especially compared to Easter last year.  I'm just finding it very hard to focus and find the motivation, and there's been so many other more exciting things to do.  I know I'll get there eventually, but it's so hard.... No I don't think "hard" is the right word.  But it's just so.... blah.  Anyhows... enough blogging.