I did it

I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it!

Yes, after a painstaking afternoon of waiting... I finally found out, I passed.  That rubbish exam that I failed last year, that sent me topsy turvy, that tore apart my entire life and shook me to my very foundations, I have officially passed this year.  What better news could I have?

Big day ahead!

As the weekend draws to an end, I find myself becoming impatient, yet at the same time, wanting to freeze time.  I have my last exam tomorrow, and it's one that I'm not particularly worried about.  In a strange way, it's actually a fun kind of exam that I've always secretly liked (at the risk of being lynched by my coursemates!).  It's practical, requires you to think on your feet, snappy, flies by, varied, basically an interesting way to do exams.  There's a couple of things that I want to go over before it, but otherwise, it's kind of hard to revise for, as it's not purely knowledge based.

But my anticipation and anxiety actually stems from the fact that I'll partially find out my fate tomorrow evening.  At some point after 4pm tomorrow, the med school is going to email the people who are required to sit a second long case.  So if I get an email, it's time to absolutely panic, and try to think of things to do by Friday to improve before the repeat.  No email, then, I'm... well, safe.  And pretty much home and dry, assuming that I haven't cocked up the exams that I passed last year.  I just don't know what to think.  I'm scared, so scared.  I know that checking my email tomorrow afternoon will be a strange compulsion, that I really don't want to do, but I can't help but do every five minutes until I know.  And then every five minutes afterwards until whatever news awaits me sinks in.  In all honesty, I don't know how I'm going to cope...

But on a happier note.  My weekend.  I've actually had a really nice one.  On Friday, I discovered that a new green grocer has opened about a three minute walk from my front door.  I had a nice chat with him, and he's sourced the vast majority of his produce in the UK, mainly locally.  And not only has he got fruit and veg, he's also stocking a range of preserves and chutneys and a small selection of olives (one of the few non-UK items!) and cheeses.   Mmmmm, couldn't help but stock up on some tasties for lunch and the weekend.

Lovely!  I love the way my road supports all things local and independent.

I finally finished my shawl/stole/wide scarf that I've been working on since Easter, on and off, in amongst other projects.  It's currently blocking on my floor and looking glorious.  I can wait to take photos of it once it's been unpinned!  But for now:

On Friday, I finished my latest spinning project.  I decided to experiment with making some low twist singles.  And I used one of my new(ish) spindles that I hadn't really used before, other than a quick trial.  I have no idea how much it weighs, but it's quite heavy, and has a super long handle, so I was able to squeeze all 100g on in one long long (344m) piece.  I took it off, skeined it (my clothes horse makes a very good skeiner!) and then, in an act of utter faith, having never done any felting, I felted the skein to give strength to the singles.  I set the twist overnight in the shower then in the sunshine.  I seemed to have felted in just right.  The strands were defnitely felted and required teasing apart which made winding a ball take forever!  But they came apart very easily and without any knots, headaches, breakages or other heartaches.  It's quite textured, and so I've decided to make a very simple shawl pattern with it, to really show off the gorgeous colours (was really unconvienced with the fibres, but I adore it now, so pretty!) and texture.

Pre-felting and setting the twist.  Quite good representation of the colours.

The finished, dried hank, slightly out of focus, but still pretty cool.

Close up of the singles, before I wound it.  Really good idea of the texture and thickness, but less so with the colours.

The start of the shawl.  I love how triangular shawls grow.  I'm loving how gentle the colour changes are.  It's not the bold stripes of the 198yards of heaven shawl I made with my last handspun.

My craft corner was looking a mess, so I decided I had to tidy it up, and this was it, mid-sort out.

On Saturday night, I had Mary and Paddy round for a BBQ.  It was lovely, and really mellow.  And we had such a great catch up.  I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends, I do really miss them though, I hardly get round to see them, especially lately with being in Weston and revision, and clashing with Mary's schedule.

And now.... I wait.  I wait for sleep, and peace, and those silly emails tomorrow.  I can barely think of my exam, in comparison to that email.  Last year, I didn't think about it, didn't really expect the email.  But it was the email that caused my life to collapse in on itself.  How can I now be expected to think of anything else?

Weston, oh Weston...

No guesses as to where I am right now.  Yup, returned to Weston today in preparation for the dreaded exam on Friday morning.  I feel like I'm in some sort of suspended animation here.   How can it be that close, yet, how can it still be that far away?  It's so surreal, and maybe it is just a case of been there, done that syndrome, but it just doesn't feel real, or feel like it's really happening to me.  I try to think back to this time last year, and I'm sure I wasn't this nonchalant about it all.  But hey, I've become an expert on how to moan about it all!  Sorry!

I've been a bit better today with focusing and revising, although it doesn't really take very much to improve on this.  I've completed a 190 question practice exam, with over 45mins to spare (although admittedly, didn't go back and check over my answers, was soooo bored at this stage) and got a very respectable 75%, so fairly relieved with that, although there is such a huge danger of me falling into the trap of complacency.

I've very annoyingly run out of wool on my latest (still secret) project, and since I'm using some of my hand-dyed there's no chance of a random stranger rescuing me.  I'm going to have to find the time to go to a yarn shop and find a suitably matching in colour and texture yarn to do contrasting bits.  Admittedly don't have much to do, but still, it's very annoying, but I will do these things! 

In an attempt to focus on revision, I left it all my other knitted etc back in Bristol, besides the little bit I had which I finished this evening in front of Desperate Housewives.  So, tomorrow will be an entire day without knitting, and I think I'm getting cold sweats at the very thought.  It will be the first day since last summer where I've forced myself not to knit.  I can count on one hand pretty much, the number of days since last summer that I haven't knitted or crocheted.  And it's always been due to having a really busy day, or being really ill in bed.  Hmmm, hope it will be worth it. 

Day... I loose count

Yup, so I've not been updating, which is usually a sign that I'm not quite feeling right.  And I suppose it's partly that, and partly because my days have been mainly consisting of sitting around, doing revising, doing some spinning and some knitting (still on relatively secret projects) and trying to motivate myself to do a little more revision.  I'm still finding it so incredibly hard to focus and sit down and be really productive.  I keep on getting so easily distracted by silly mondain things - case in point, checking the Ravelry forums with stupid frequency, apparently no one else is just there sitting in front of their computers and chatting... but I still don't get the hint, and go off to check... again.  This is dangerous stuff.  And the worst thing is that I KNOW better, and I am aware of what I'm doing.  Just so darn hard.  Went to the local cafe yesterday and actually managed to do some good work there... first with a hot chocolate and then a bottle of cider (and no I didn't really get drunk!).  It was fairly productive, but I can't just carry on doing that... can I?  Why can't I bring myself to clear my table (for like the millionth time) and got on with work.  I know there's stuff I can be doing, and yes, I am aware that I'm not actually currently achieving anything sitting here moaning about it in a blog.  But anywhos...

I was really down the other day when I last spoke to my Mom, and I mentioned in passing that it was really tempting to go to Derby for a bit between the first exam and the next lot a couple of weeks later.  She immediately said no, she didn't think it was a good idea.  However, she phoned me earlier this evening and brought it up as a potential thing to do, but they would kick me out after a couple of days.  To which I said "What if I'm really productive?"  Apparently I'd get an extension then.  It's really tempting, although part of the temptation would be being close to my friends, but that defeats the whole purpose of going to Derby to revise.  I don't know what to do, but it is oh so tempting, especially if I don't have to worry about feeding myself and my parents can make sure I'm doing work.  But, and it's a huge but, it's a long way to go and it's a train fare, if I don't actually get on with the change of scenary being more productive thing.  So it's something I'll be thinking of over the next couple of days.

I had my practice session with the Prof.  Unfortantely, the patient I had consented the day before had forgot and thus hadn't told his visitors to come later.  So there was a mad dash on a Saturday, at visiting time, to find a patient.  The best we could do was find someone for a history only, so he didn't get to see me do the whole thing.  He had some very interesting feedback and hopefully things I can take forward with me to the exam on Friday.  He thinks that I come off a little naive because I explain myself to the patient too much and I'm too gentle.  I need to just be a little more aggressive/forceful (he thinks it would take a lot for me to become a bully, so don't worry!) and more in charge.  I'm the "doctor" the patient has expectations of me, that I will ask necessary things, and I don't have to explain why I do them.  So this would cut down on waffle, so save time, and make it look like I'm more in control.  It's strange, I've always worried about being a strong character, with little patience, and being a little aggressive and a tad bit of a bully, so I've worked really hard to overcome this, and I've ended up at the other extreme.  He did have some positive things to say as well, and he said it showed that I was thinking about different possible diagnoses etc, but that I need to do more of this.  He was all in all very positive, and invited me on his ward round so that I could listen to some of the doctors present to him, and see how he gets what he needs out of the patients.  This was very interesting, and hopefully useful.  Time will tell...

So the spinning looks a little like this, I got a delivery of some new spindles, so I've had to play, using some of my new fibres from last week, and using up some of the undyed that I have.  The undyed was the best I've done so far, and it's definitely showing signs of progress.  The dyed stuff is still in the early stages, but is working up really nicely, if not a little crazily thin!  Definitely a lace weight, and I'm going to work really hard on it (eventually) and use it over the summer.

Approx 160m of my very own handspun (I got really badly knotted during plying, so had to cut it, hence the two skeins)

Close up showing that I'm making some progress towards evenness and balance.

I had to be fairly creative with "setting the twist".  I think I slightly went overboard with the spin on the plying.  But for the record, this is what I've read online about how to do it, so it's not as crazy as it looks!

And finally, my new aventurine (I think) spindle, looking beautiful and already filling up with some uber fine single.  It's so fast and it's a joy to spin with, in my humble and limited experience!

Day six - oh $*!?, this is getting really close now!

One and a half clerkings done today (dinner interupted the second half way though, to be completed tomorrow)

And so the clerking saga continues.  And so does the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies this countdown (although, I more seem to be doing a countup!)  Sometimes I just think: "Bring it on!  I'm so ready for this" but I think this is mainly born from being bored with this stage of the academic year.  I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo here, just waiting for the inevitable.  I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on "book" work, I just feel so fixated and "stressed" (I don't feel stressed, but I feel something, best attributed to stress?) by this stupid long case and the effort of having to go clerking so much.  I want to close the door on this, and start on the other revision, which I really have been ignoring over the last few days.  And I feel so guilty about this, yet so unmotivated to do anything about this guilt.  I'm just not feeling The Fear of these other exams, I'm just all about the long case, and its so ruddy annoying.

And yet most of the time I'm living in perpetual fear over this exam.  I can't help but feel negative about it, after what I went through last year and over the last few months.  I panic over small things, which I know individually won't matter very much, but... but... but.... these small things can add up.  Have I done enough?  Can you ever do enough preparation?  Am I always going to kick myself and think I should have done more?  I've never been one for self-doubt, I don't think it's really a characteristic of medics in general.  But it's a really hard emotion to fight.  And sure, I have my positive moments, like yesterday's positive feedback, but I spend such huge chunks of time, practically paralysed by the fear and self-doubt. 

I've been working really hard on this clerking stuff for the last couple of weeks, and I really have so much desire to pass.  I have to say, the worst thing about having failed last year - the self-doubt it breads.  I can cope with the rest of it, but the self-doubt is crippling.

I've got an official practice long case tomorrow with one of the consultants who marks exams, so hopefully he'll be able to give some really good pointers and help pick up troublesome areas.  I'm hoping this, combined with the Prof's session on Saturday will do the trick and help me iron out any major outstanding issues.  Fingers crossed.

(And for those keeping score, I'm still feeling crazy hormonal.  I haven't had a PMT thingy this bad in I can't remember how long!  It's driving me bonkers, and probably not helping the things discussed above).

Bluebell update

The wait is nearly over.  I hope that by Friday, it will be in full bloom and absolutely amazing!  Already seeing so much change since I last went and visited there, just last Wednesday.  Getting so excited, but also slightly worried that I have built it up and built it up and it won't be all that great.  But hey, it's something that brightens my days and gives me something to look forward to.

I was relieved to see that for a change, i wasn't the only one there with my camera out, although I did feel a little inadequate with my little happy-snappy compared to this photographer:

I know it isn't the best photo, didn't want to get too stalker-ish close!  His camera had the most enormous lens.  I bet he was getting great pics!

I also took a longer walk around the back of The Hill.  I always am enchanted about how remote and wild it seems, yet it really is just minutes away from the hospital and the house that I live in.  Truely fantastic.

And to add to the country-ness of it all, I went and said hello to the cows that are now grazing on The Hill, as part of maintaining the natural ecosystem.

And talking of the natural cycle of things, the field of buttercups from just a couple of weeks ago is decidedly less yellow.  Maybe the cows have really been enjoying the flowers!

And on to the slightly less bright and cheery outdoorsiness of these rambles of mine.  I have exchanged several emails with the Prof regarding my practise long case with him since Friday's little incident.  He's been asking me to think about what went wrong, and now he seems worried about my uncertainty.  He said I should look back and be self-critical.  He doesn't seem satisfied with my saying that I really don't know what it was.  I tried to explain that with the second long case, I was very nervous in light of having not done well enough in the first attempt, and that I thought that this had affected my performance.  He really didn't seem to like this, saying something along the lines of nerves having no place at my stage, and that practicing medicine is all about high pressure situations.  But I know that I'm not normally nervous.  I normally handle the pressure really well and that these nerves were in a very specific situation, and one that I won't really be coming across in my day-to-day work. 

Cutting a long story short, I really am starting to feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I think of it all.  I'm hating this pressure of expectation and to be honest, pure dread.  I'm really going to have to do something, no excuses now, this is it.  I have to do this, and in the next three weeks before my exam, I'm going to have to do everything I can to put myself in good stead and get over all this negativity and worry.  No more excuses, I have to hit the wards tomorrow, and clerk like mad, despite me hating the process of annoying patients!  And to this end, I'm going to be honest and accountable and keep a daily tally of how many patients I see.  I'm aiming for two a day.  I'll post everyday how I'm doing with this. 

And so to bed, for an early night and a productive day tomorrow.

Taking it one step at a time

Following my rather dispondent post yesterday, I thought I'd give a more positive update.  I had a fairly relaxing afternoon, just revising and wondering round town a little.  I then went and hung out with my friend Mary for her last couple of hours at work.  She was having a crazy busy day, so I did what I could to help her out.  I had wanted to try and do a practise long case with her, but it was nearly 7pm before she finished, so we decided that it was all a bit too much.  So we went out for drinks and dinner with Harry, Claire and DOm.  It was an amazingly great way to relax and just take things a little easy.  It was definitely the chance to unwind that I needed.   And then I got a really good night sleep. So I'm feeling a lot better now and a lot more positive about things.  I have arranged my practice long case with the Prof for just before my exam, so hopefully I'll have everything fresh in my mind and very slick.  I've got to stay positive and keep the end goal in mind.  I CAN do this... by just taking it one step at a time.

Using tears to get my own way (inadvertently)

Also known as: accidently crying in front of someone who you respect and has clout in the university to arrange extra teaching/feedback even though he has told several people that he no longer has time to do this.

I feel so ashamed about having blubbed today in front of one of the Profs.  So embarrassing.  But he was going on about the people who failed last year and how that only two (out of about 280) people failed last year, solely on the basis of their long case, and that they were mostly failing across the board.  This makes me know I'm a member of a very exclusive group of just two.  How special am I?

And this was also after having just watched one of my friends do a mock long case with him.  She was dreadfully nervous and it hadn't gone very well.  He described her as borderline and that if it had been her second chance long case, he would have passed her.  Because they want people to pass.  They really do.  And that leaves me just thinking, hey, how bad could my second chance long case have gone last year for them not to have passed me.  That's just not fair.  I know that it was different examiners, and maybe if he had been my examiner last year, I wouldn't be writing this... But I am, and that just outright sucks.

And combine that with four hours of sleep (totally my own choice), it was just a little too much for me to cope with.  And well, for the first time in about 6 or 7 months, I cried about the situation I find myself in this year.  I mean, it wasn't hysterical crying, it was more the silent loosing battle against the welling up of tears. And it wasn't one of my proudest moments, not by a long shot.  And I hate that.  I hate that I cried in front of him, a friend and three people I don't really know.  I hate that I wasn't strong enough to just let it pass over me.  I hate that I got so emotional.  I hate that this is only about the 4th or 5th time I've cried about having failed. 

I was doing so well and being so strong.  And now this.  It feels like a set back.  And I know this is just a form of grief - judge me all you want, but my career is my life.  It's something I've nutured for the best part of a decade.  Not passing was like loosing a huge part of me.  It was more than not passing an exam.  It was the job I had lined up, the faith and pride and hope that others had in me, the financial implications, the lifestyle I was preparing for, the friends moving on.  It was a loss, this is grief.  Just a very abstract "thing" to have lost.  Not a person or an animal.  But it was me.  Everything I stood for and everything I had worked for for all those years.  I was shaken to the core, and had to re-evaluate everything.  I've never for one second stopped wanting this, and to achieve it, but it's been hard.  Harder than I usually like to admit.  Yes, a lot of the time, I have just got on with it, and it's just been life.  I don't know any different, and it's just something that I have to do to get where I want to go.  But today has made me realise a lot.  And this is the first time I've really openly expressed this.  It's really brought out how I'm feeling about everything and all the things I've tried with great success to repress with obsessive knitting and yarning.  But if I'm been honest with myself, it's always been there, just under the surface, waiting until I was in an intense, cozy setting and in front of someone I really respect to just all come out.

Living a full and varied life

This was the aim of my blog.  To remind myself to live a full and varied life.  But have I really been doing this?  I'm not always so sure. 

I think on the whole, this blog has been the cathartic tool that I was after.  A place to get my thoughts and feelings down and to explore them.  And there's no two ways about it, the last few months have been tough.  But I'm not the only one who suffers hardships, so I try to remind myself to handle whatever life throws at me with grace and acceptance, knowing that there are lessons to learn and grow from.  Failing, the car crash and all the fall out from those two things.  I've worked really hard on staying positive.  But I get side tracked in regards to this so easily.  I become wholey consumed by things.  In particular I've thrown all my energies into knitting.  And it's been this amazing rewarding path.  I've learnt so much and developed new skills.  And I don't regret it.  Although with exams getting ever closer, I'm finding it hard to pull my attentions away from the needles and towards the books.  This is partly my knitting obsession, and partly avoidance of revising, and revisiting all the things that I was doing this time last year.

So all in all, between revising and being knitting obsessed, I'm not sure if I've really been living to the full and varied life that I aspire to.  Yes, I know I've not been manically knitting the same thing over and over again.  I've been exploring the fibre arts in all sorts of ways, knitting, crocheting, dyeing, spinning.  And it's been rewarding to share the fruits of my labours.  But I know that not many people understand this obsession of mine.  I seldom attract negative comments, and if I do, they're usually jokingly issued.  But very few people get it.  They more just think I'm weird.  Not that I mind that, but still!  These people wouldn't think that there's much variety to it!

I'm not writing this post as a moan.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't really regret my lot in life.  I just sometimes think/want more.  And when there's such important things to be getting on with in my life (i.e. passing my exams), it really should be the furthest thing on my mind.  Expanding oneself is definitely something to do when there's more time!  But I can't help but sigh and desire to have time (and resources) to do it all.  To really happily believe that I live life to the fullest and it's full of variety.

On being patronised

Since I failed last summer, I've had nothing but the most wonderful support from pretty much everyone.  And it's really helped me process and move on.  But something happened yesterday to change that.  And I'd like to start out saying (it doesn't bode well with a statement like that, does it?!) that I have nothing against this person.  She's quite lovely, and friendly. 

Anyhows, some background.  I've always been completely honest and open about what happened, and patiently explained it to everyone.  People mostly guess something's not quite right.  They don't recognise me from their year, and it's just easier and simpler to get it out there, explain it and get it all over and done with.  And the response is usually positive.  There's a bit of curiosity, which I had been expecting, and the odd question and seeking of advice, and then that's it.  We just get on with everything else. 

Until I came across this particular girl.  She's a bit older than me and I suppose the fact that we're getting so close to exams doesn't help, but she seems quite obsessed with the whole failing thing.  She brings it up quite a lot.  I try to just let it be, but it's starting to get to me.  She's been asking me lots of questions about things I did, and lots of questions about the exams.  Well, to be honest, they were nearly 10 months ago, and I don't really tend to think much about them a week later, let alone at this point in the day.  I can't give her a blow by blow, question by question account of things.  But she seems to be demanding (maybe demanding is the wrong word, ?seeking?) more and more from me.  And everyone knows it was my long case that I failed on.  The "revision" for this is going to clerk patients on the ward for practise and keeping a portfolio of the patients we've seen.  She was quizzing me about this earlier on in the day, about how many I'd clerked last year (about 30) and how many I've done so far this year (about 15).  Then in the evening, we were doing a group revision session, and she turned round and said to me, "but yes, what were you saying to me earlier?  You only clerked 15 patients last year, what did you expect, you must have known that wasn't enough to pass with".  I felt like I'd been slapped.  Yes, I do take some degree of responsiblity for having not passed last year.  But I don't need (incorrect) faults been flung at me in such a flippant, insensitive manner.  I quickly corrected her, but clearly in her opinion I'm some lazy mare that got what I deserved.  She's so obsessed with my failing.  I don't need to continually discuss it.  I know I failed.  I've been reminded of that fact EVERY day over the last 9 - 10 months, why the hell else am I here and doing this?  I don't need it rubbing in, I'm perfectly capable of making myself feel bad about it all.  And she's also gone on a little rant about how I totally spent too much time concentrating on revising for one of the exams and spreading my focus around appropriately.

Maybe it hurts and annoys me so much because there is SOME truth to what she's saying.  But I've analysed the whole flipping thing so many times over the last few months, I don't need to continually disect what happened with someone who I barely know.  It's done, closed chapter.  I'm not a case study in what not to do.

After having had a fairly positive day, it really put a dampner on things.  And I know I really shouldn't be so upset by other peoples opinions or attitudes towards me.  But it does just taint my confidence to have myself attacked and scrutenised so thoroughly.  I get that she's worried because she's about to go through exams, and this is a stressor for anyone.  But what do I do?  She lives in my house in Weston, and she's one of eight people doing my rotation here.  I really want to tell her to drop the subject, but I don't know if I'll really be able to do that tactfully at this point in time.  But I really don't appreciate her attitude towards this particular event in my life.  In most other aspects, she's okay.  She just needs to drop this particular bone.

Heading back to business

Easter break is well and truly over.  And above all, it has been a break.  I’ve not rushed myself, worked myself, pressured myself.  I’ve just relaxed.  One could perhaps argue that this was the last thing I need to do, with exams getting so close, and heaven forbid my mother ever finds out how little revision I’ve done.  But I disagree… or perhaps I’m fighting to justify my actions.  After the last few months that I’ve had, probably going right back to last summer, I’ve been stressed and quite down at times.  And I don’t believe that that’s the most productive frame of mind for me.  I need to unwind, and just be.  I feel completely refreshed, and so ready to hit the road running and really just get on with life and answer all the demands that my particular path has thrown at me.  I really do feel at ease and replenished, and what better way to enter the stress that will be the next few months.  And boy, are they going to be busy!  There’s so many dates that I have to aim to, but I suppose the main one is August 4.  That is the “Official” start date of working, although I will have had about a week and a half of induction at the hospital for which I will be paid for… so arguably, I’ll be working before then… but that is the date to keep in mind.  But before that, there is revising, normal uni commitments, exams, graduation, summer, relaxing, moving and no doubt just a wee bit of knitting!

I suppose today is the first day that I’ve really given the next few weeks serious thought.  I KNEW that I have exams coming up, but they’ve all been a little distant.  But now, as I say goodbye to all the loved ones in Derby, knowing that I won’t be back until after everything has been done, it’s starting to feel real.  And I’ve had my first taste of “the fear”.  This is the thing that focuses me and makes me revise.  I’ve been waiting for it for ages.  I never really can focus or be productive without it.  I’m a last minute person, and most people I know got it ages ago.  But I’m glad I’ve got it now.  It’s the proverbial kick up the backside that demands action.  And rather than it being a negative experience, I feel exhilarated by it.  So very alive.  I love this feeling.  And I know that this in part stems from being in a relaxed, positive frame of mind.  I know I can do it!

I’m sitting on a coach typing this (obviously not online).  They must be doing works or repairs on the rail line somewhere.  So my usually direct, 2hr 10min train journey is now a 3hr 10min train-coach-train affair.  I’m back on my old haunt, the M5.  So weird to be a passenger.  So used to nipping down this road in my car.  It’s so familiar, but not.  And how bad is it that as I’m travelling along, gazing out at the fields, seeing the sheep and their lambs everywhere, I can’t help but want to rush up to them and run my hands threw their fleeces and well… steal it to knit with.  Like I even need anymore wool!  Lol, yes I know, you’re probably thinking “and you think that that’s all that’s wrong with that!!”.  Yes, I admit, I’m a nutter and wool/yarn obsessed. I’ll just have to make do with the thought that my YarnAddict sock club yarn should be waiting for me when I get in, eventually!

And finally, special thoughts for a special and very dear to me family.  Sarah and co, I’m thinking of you and hope that Rowan gets better in time for her birthday.  I’m so glad I got a chance to visit you in hospital this time round, I felt so helpless, useless and far away before, so I’m glad I could offer my support, even if it was just a bit of company for a couple of hours.  And on a more positive note, thanks for making this last week and a bit so special, fun and productive.  I’ve loved every moment, and as always, I could never thank you or repay you enough for what you have done (and continue to do) for me over the last year.  So big love, hugs and kisses will have to make do for now, and my warmest thoughts and prayers.

Catching up

Wow, this really is a slippery slope.  Just a few days without posting everyday and then it just gets longer and longer between posts.  Oooops.  There's no particular reason for having not posted for nearly four days, it's a combo of having really dull days followed by very busy days.  And the now usual lack of sleep in Cheltenham making me exhausted.  So here we go, a quick catch up over lunch, and I have loads to say, so let's see how far I get.

I slept absolutely awfully on Sunday night, but fortunately I didn't have anything going on on Monday besides my nine o'clock seminar.  So I yawned my way home and curled up in bed and ended up sleeping for about three hours!  It was soooo needed that I don't feel entirely guilty for avoiding going to the wards and clerking.  I really don't think I would have got much benefit out of it.

Tuesday was by far my busiest day so far this week.  Nine o'clock seminar.  Followed by clerking with a friend.  First clerking I've done in weeks so it was really good to have someone there with me, as (a) kind of obliges me to get on with it! and (b) good for feedback on things that need improving on or are just a little rusty from having not done it for a while.  In the middle of my clerking, one of the other medical students came and dragged me to the corridor.  Just to let me know (at 11am) that I would be having my first exam of the year at 2pm.  Ahh, advance warning always so great!  The organisation here in Cheltenham has been rather questionable!  But there you go.  So after rattling around for a bit at lunchtime, moaning via text to Sarah (thanks for listening!) and trying to get it straight in my head how I felt about it all.  The exam was an observed long case - a new introduction to have them so early in the year this year, but basically the exam format which is responsible for me still being here at medical school rather than being out there in the big bad world, actually being a doctor.  How could I feel anything but negativity toward this exam?  Fortunately, it never really dawned in properly or felt real, so that avoided a lot of the nasty nerves.  I was surprisingly relaxed during the exam, much more so than during the exams last year.  I don't know what to make of it, but I got some very positive feedback, and I got a chance to really talk it through with the doctor who was examining me, and she said "there were no major pass/fail points" which I don't know if that meant I passed overall, or there was no one big thing that I would fail on that I really messed up.... so who knows.  I don't know when I'm likely to find out what I scored/if I passed.  So I'm just in limbo, but feeling relatively happy about it.

Then Tuesday evening I drove to Cirencester to meet up with Lorri and have dinner.  Which was lovely, and just what I needed after the unexpected exam.  I love catching up with Lorri, and she spoils me rotten when we have dinner, taking pity on the poor student.  We have a deal that with my first pay cheque, I'm going to repay the favour, but at this rate, I'm going to have to take her to Paris for a meal or maybe the Ritz or something crazy like that, either way, something big!  Lol!  I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends.  It was an okay meal, Lorri's steak was over cooked, and the humous wasn't humous, but I did have a very very tasty ginger and honey icecream for desert.  Mmmm *licks lips*!  And it was lovely just to be with a friend, and have a really good catch up.  Lorri is working and staying in Swindon at the moment, hence meeting in Cirencester, which is more of less half way between Cheltenham and Swindon, taking us each almost exactly half an hour to get there.  We're planning to do it again next week, choosing a different restaurant this time though.

Yesterday I had about as lazy a day as possible.  I was exhausted and didn't really have anything on in the hospital, so I stayed in bed (in the morning) and in my pjs most of the day.  Watched stuff on my laptop, dozed, and eventually got round to knitting a little bit, making a start on the second wrist warmer.  Eventually at about 5, I decided enough was enough and put some clothes on and forced myself to go to get milk!  Ohhh, it's a tough life I lead. Then in the evening I went with one of my course mates to go see Sherlock Holmes, making the most of Orange Wednesdays and having a cinema about a minute's walk away.  It was pretty good.  Predictably a bit about the violence and explosions.  But I did quite enjoy it, and I've been meaning to see it for ages now.  So can cross it off the list!

And here we are, back to Thursday.  I overslept this morning so was late to my teaching first thing.  Ooops.  Then am about to head in for "on call", whatever that will entail and maybe have some consultant teaching.

So I had better get going.  I have a few more things to say about my weekend, but I will have to leave that for now, but I am well excited about my plans!

Well, what is there to say?

Sometimes I really ponder the point of this blog, I really just seem to fill it with needless waffle for want of something better to say.  But is that really a problem?  I sometimes wish I was one of those people who always had deep, thought-provoking, philosophising (if that's a word) things to say... so this blog would be interesting to those who read it and somehow touch their lives.  But I'm not.  And I treat this blog very much as a form of a diary, that I suppose I really don't mind if someone else happens upon.  Not very interesting, but who says it has to be?

But then again, there are some days which just aren't really worth commenting on.  The blog definitely helps me reflect on my day, and see if there's anything special or worthwhile that has happened, and I like that.  It has helped me be more grateful, and has helped me find joy and fulfilment in the little things that make up everyday life.  I suppose a lot of this waffle is a reflection of my not really enjoying Cheltenham.  I'm finding it tedious and a little depressing.  Life is on the cusp of changing pace and focus, with the inevitable shift towards preparing for finals and all that implies.  But I don't really feel ready for that change.  And I know that part of this is pure avoidance of reality - it will become harder and harder for me to ignore why I'm here.  Why I'm having to do this all over again.  I failed.  I let myself and all my nearest and dearest down with my actions.  Starting finals prep will be a horrible and constant reminder of that fact, in a far more intense way than repeating the year and going through the motions of being on placement.  It is after all what I've done for so long now, that it just seems to be more of the same.  But exams are different.  Exams will remind me of all that has passed over the last year, and I know I will struggle with this.

It's all really well sitting here moaning about it, but I really do need to act.  I need to find the strength and the focus to do it all over again.  I need to find a way of coping with all the negative emotions that I have managed to suppress.  But I'm just not ready for that at all.

But anyways, on to the day to day...

I had one very boring tedious lecture.  Then nipped to the post office on the way home to send Sarah some more supplies.  Oh dear, I've really enabled her growing addiction!  But she isn't complaining too much.  And then I came "home" and on the whole had a very restless morning.  I sat chatting with my flatmates for quite a while, the the while beavering away at Ru's wristwarmers.  I really am not making the sort of progress I'd like, and I can't quite tell why.  At this rate I'll be working on them for at least another couple of weeks, unless I can really blitz them over the weekend.

I love the pattern and the effect.  It's a little fiddly, but I've now figured it out, so I don't need to look at the pattern or pay too much attention.  I've got about another inch to go before I start shaping for the thumb hole.

Then this afternoon I went to the cinema (oh temptation!) and saw Brothers.  It was really good, and very moving.  Definitely not one to see if you want something light hearted, but was definitely one of the best films I've seen for a while.

And then this evening?  More knitting, chatting and watching dvds, in amongst random wool surfing, wishing I had endless money and endless time to make stuff out of all the gorgeous gorgeous wools out there!  But I'm being good and most certainly have more than enough wool to keep me going.

And that's it.  Another one of those days of nothing in particular.  Back to Bristol tomorrow, and I can't wait.  Back to a reasonable temperature room, back to a comfy sofa, in front of my week's worth of sky plus stuff.  Back to my Bristol friends, who I really want to try and see this weekend.  And most excitingly, hopefully, back to a package of yarn sent from someone who's never meet me, but was inspired to share her wonderful stash!  So very excited!

First day of term two

As predicted, this morning was fricking freezing.  Fortunately, there hadn't been any snow overnight, so the walk in (yes, I was good and walked!) wasn't too perilious!  And I was very proud of myself, I was actually running early!  I got in to the med school with time enough to get a drink, which I was in dire need of.  I was actually rather hot and bothered after my fifty minute walk, the last twenty of which were uphill, which was fine by me, no longer cold!  This morning however... mmm, was very similar to what we were told this time last year.  It's very frustrating, it's all about getting ready to begin work as a doctor, and it's all rather tedious.  Then it was home (admittedly on the bus, don't wanna over do it!) in the snow.  It was really pretty to watch it falling as I was all dry and warm on the bus.  And then when I got off, it was really coming down.  It was so magical, there really is just something about snow falling, just calm and serene.  Luckily, it wasn't cold enough for the snow to settle, so it was just pretty to watch.  We've been predicted crazy weather overnight (apparently upto a foot of the white stuff), so I may not be liking the snow quite as much tomorrow when I have to trek in through it. 

Fortunately though, the afternoon thing was cancelled (someone somewhere got snowed in!) so this left me an opportunity to catch up on some shopping - I'm in desperate need of new hospital trousers, I've been wearing the same ones week in, week out all of last term.  Washing them regularly though, naturally!  So I thought that since I got my student loan yesterday, I could make the most of the sales and get some new ones, which I did manage to do, for £5 from Marks and Spencer.  I also got a cheap pair of jeans, since my last pair had started to fall apart on me (literally!).  It felt like a shopping slurge!!  I also decided to treat myself to some Yo Sushi, for the first time in months.  It's pretty much my fave place to eat, and it didn't disappoint!   Mmmm, tasty non-fishy sushi. 

Then on the off chance, decided to wonder round the wool section at John Lewis, in case they had any January bargins, and they did.  So I just had to get some.  There were several that I was very tempted by, but the voice of reason reigned and I only got one type of wool, a really pretty double knit with dusky, muted tones of pink and lilac.  Really pretty, and now added to the stash, and I kinda have an idea what I want to do with it, but I'll decide for certain nearer the time. 

And finally to round off my shopping spree (mmm, I know I'll be moaning about being broke soon enough!) I went and saw Avatar, in 3D.  It was stunning and very well thought through in terms of how it looked and felt, and the 3D was very well used.  However, I thought that the story was a little preachy at times and it wasn't the strongest plot.  Having said that, I'd still recommend it, and I really enjoyed it.  It was definitely a great way to end my day out.

And then it was home, and time to get cracking on making my hat, which is coming along nicely, can't wait to see what it'll be like when it's done and I can see the pattern properly, but it looks very promising indeed.  It's also somewhat strange to be thinking about the recipient.  It's for me, which is strange, I don't normally bother making stuff for me, and I do sit and think about whoever it's going to be for, but none of that now!  Very strange indeed.

And now, it's off to bed, I did resolve to earlier bedtimes this year, so can't start failing on that just yet!  Night night!

End of term!

Brrrr!  It is even more freezing than before!  I can't believe how cold it is, it's barely crept above 1.5 degrees today here in Bristol.  But on a positive note, it was gloriously sunny for most of the day, so it's the kind of cold that I don't really mind, it's worse when it's cold and wet, you just never can get comfortable with that kind of weather.  I'm in a way kind of disappointed that it hasn't snowed here - I love snow, it's pretty and it's different, and it also probably has something to do with the fact that it's still fairly novel for me, having grown up without the opportunity to see snow.  But the fact that it is such a disruption to life means I'm less disappointed - I have such a busy weekend coming up - three night shifts at work and a little running around to do, so the ability to get places without freezing or it being dangerous is a bonus!

Today marked a landmark of the year for me - the end of the first term.  It's a great place to sit back and reflect on what I have achieved thus far.  And what I have left to achieve in the rest of the year.  Have I made the most of the term?  This is a very difficult question to ask myself, mainly because if I'm being honest, deep down, I don't think I have.  Well, relative to last year at least.  I don't think I've been more proactive than I was for the first term of last year.  I may have learnt a couple of things along the way, but in terms of getting things done, well, honestly, no.  I'm comparing it to last year, and viewing this as a negative because last year ultimately wasn't a success, so perhaps I should be striving for more?  What has been hard was loosing the best part of two weeks feeling rundown/tired, and then having that cold.  When the term is only 8 weeks long, having two weeks written off is a significant thing.  Maybe I'm being a little hard on myself, because chatting to some of my coursemates, I don't think I've done much less than them, and I also have the advantage of having done it all already.  But, I shouldn't lull myself into a false sense of security and I really can't afford to be complacent.  I really do need to start pushing myself more.  I need to pass, I need to really get on with things next term.  I've been fairly pre-active about parts of it, and I'll try to be organised and keep the end goal in sight more, something which I really haven't done yet.

I think that I am in a better place personally this year, compared to last.  When I started last year, I was under a lot of stress, and I didn't really achieve much, and felt quite down a lot of the time.  Despite what has happened, I feel I'm more collected and more content.  I've connected more with some of my friends, and I have their support.  I may live alone, but that doesn't bother me.  I think in a way it has been good for me.  I have time to myself, time to think and to relax, without having to worry about how my actions affect my housemates.  If I want to slob out on the sofa, that's fine.  If I make a mess, noone cares but me.  I mean, I've loved living with other people, and that certainly does have its advantages.  People are usually shocked when they find out I live alone, and think I must be lonely.  But I'm not.  Not as much as you'd think.  And for me, at this point in my life, it may be best.  Fewer distractions!  And it also motivates.  I make more of an effort to see and communicate with my friends, and that has been great.  I also have been crafting and doing things far more than I have in years.  It's a great way of keeping me busy, and I really don't sit around thinking about loneliness or wallowing.  It isn't bad at all.

So, with one term down, and one and a bit left, I really have a lot to reflect on, and it's not too bad!  Definitely room for improvement on the uni front in terms of being productive, but on the whole, it's been a good term.  Just look at all the things I've achieved with my knitting!

Another wasted day

This is getting rediculous.  I'm getting so frustrated and fed up with this all.  I just want to get  back on with things, but no, I'm stuck feeling rubbish and tired.  I need to get back to normality, this is starting to get me down.  I'm missing on so much time at uni, but I've been feeling too exhausted or sick to do it.  I'm stuck here doing this stupid repeat year because I was disorganised and didn't clerk enough to practise adequately for my long case, and now, I'm in a similar situation - I've not clerked now for ages, and I feel like it's all running away from me.  And I know that I'm feeling down and frustrated, so this is making me lean to the negative side of things, but still, enough already.  I just need to summon up the motivation to get through the next week and a half of uni, then a long weekend of work, then I'm home for Christmas.  It seems so close, yet so far away at the same time.  At this rate, I'll just be getting back into the swing of things and then I'll have to stop for the break.  I'm looking forward to it sooooo much, but it will be even more time lost.

Anyways, rant over, I just really need to get a good night sleep, something which has remained rather elusive over the last few days.

On to other news, I got the results of the first stage of my job application form.  I already knew that I was going to get a place in the Severn Foundation School, as I had been offered this on the basis of having had a place in a job programme in Severn from last year.  So, maybe that's why I've been fairly indifferent to it this year.  Last year, it was so much excitment (both negative and positive) but this year... I feel more like I'm on the outside looking in as I saw everyone at my tutorial today being all excited and chattering and exchanging gossip.  Did not help with my feeling of disconnection that I've been experiencing today!  Also, I was slightly disappointed, I didn't score very well, I don't really know if I would have made it in if I didn't have a secured place.  Part of this is based on the fact that I lost out on a bunch of points becuase of repeating, I was placed in the bottom quartile of the year, when last year, my "true" quartile was the second one (we get a large part of our score based on which quartile of the year we are ranked).  I think overall, my answers scored very similar to last year, maybe slightly less, so yet another frustration about having to repeat. 

So, all in all a wasted day, I didn't clerk, my tutorial was cancelled last minute after having trekked all the way in, I barely knitted, in fact, spent more of the day feeling exhausted, coughing, blowing my nose and feeling sorry for myself than anything else.  Must fight and try very hard to get myself out of this rut... but I have a feeling I've said that recently and it's not materialised.  I can but hope.

I am a weak human being...

I know I said that I wouldn't get anymore Christmas decoration craft stuff until I had used up the stuff I already had.  I realise that my actions today make me a weak person.  I know that I was only meant to be going to get some glue.  I know that this should not have taken me 2 hours at Hobbycraft, and cost me nearly £24.  Oh screw it, I had FUN!  And I'm really enjoying making these decorations and experimenting.  You'll get the idea when I mention that I've not even knitted a stitch yet today.  This is what I got today:

Also, again in my defence, I didn't buy any wool, or any knitting patterns, which is a big thing for me! 

So, my efforts today are:

The last one here was an idea that I got for my lecturer today.  She was wearing a necklace in this style of pearl beads threaded on ribbon.  I was mesmorised by it and kept staring at it!  It was so simple and elegant, and I thought it would make a lovely alternative to tinsel in my quest to make a homemade decorated Christmas tree.  This started as an idea to make a few things for my tree and have a little fun and a break from my knitting.  But it's taken on a mind of it's own.  I'm really enjoying it! 


I had a really fun tutorial today.  It was about ECGs, the last in a series of four being giving by some middle level doctors.  It was fun because we were doing various scenarios.  Case 1:  Dave goes.  Is stumped.  Lecturer says he can phone a friend.  He chooses me.  I answer flawlessly (Lecturer visibly impressed!) .  Case 2, after discussing a few points:  Hannah picked to answer.  She gets stuck.  Lecturer says:  "Alright then, you can phone a friend, but not Ashleigh".  Oooops!  Was I showing off too much?  Maybe a little.  But it was fun!  It also reassures me when I can demonstrate that I wasn't a complete loser and dounce that failed.  Later on, she kept on asking questions, and we came across one that no one could answer, so I had to ask if I was allowed to answer.  I know that this might sound a little vain, but it was a fairly relaxed and light-hearted atmosphere, and the other students are all pretty cool about me having failed, and I didn't get the impression that they minded!  And I don't always get it right.  I often just get used to blurting, or giving it a go.  They don't always remember that I get stuff wrong every now and then, they just think that I'm a fountain of knowledge.  I keep on getting approached about revision techniques and what I did last year.  It's flattering in a way.  I do try to tell it as it is though, and point out what I think were the mistakes that I made, so I give a balanced view of what happened.  I feel that I owe them at least that.

My arm is still hurting.  It looks a little like this, or maybe even a little worse!:

Right, back to my knitting.  Gonna try get a couple of rows done before bed, whilst I watch stuff I sky plused earlier.

Just another Tuesday

So, basically, this is my life. I just about made it in on time to my 10:30am teaching. Was on ECG interpretation. Had this topic to death, I know the basics, don't need people to come along and bore me with their "fail-proof" methods which are different from everyone else who has ever tried to teach me about ECGs. I know what I need to know, and I passed the ECG portion of the exams last year. Yes, repeating is boring.

Then I was good, I was proactive about life instead of leaving it all for the last moment. Those who know me, will realise this is very unusual. I could go on a rant about how this is a new start and I will be a better person from here on... but it wasn't anything nearly as fundamental as that. I just did some stuff that I had already being putting off for a while, and had some spare time. Simple as that. Still remains to see if being organised provides more benefit.

Then in another shocking turn of events I went to the library in the remaining spare time I had today. I flicked through books and looked some stuff up. I hardly ever step foot in libraries, and never this far away from exams. Is this the life other medical students experience?!? Have to be honest and say that I'm not that likely to return, was a bit disappointed in their range of books, and was mainly wanting to look at a book that I've been thinking about buying. They didn't have it, so I looked at some similar ones as alternatives and they didn't impress. I suppose that I could always just nip to the uni's med school library. I'm practically next door to the uni when I'm at the BRI. Would require me to have more time, but not much more. But it would be a nicer atmosphere. And it's always nice to look at the younger years and realise that I actually have come a long way, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

After my proactive hour, I had another tutorial. I rocked it. I rocked it in a very annoying manner, both for myself and for the other students. You see, I aced the theory/knowledge part of finals. I really worked hard for it. Going to tutorials where they're expecting you to have only the most basic of knowledge is very frustrating. There's only so many times you can blurt out the (almost all right) answers before it becomes awkward and everyone starts throwing looks of disguist in your direction. So I try to avoid this. But on the whole, we're a competitive bunch, us medics. It's hard not to show off that you know the answers! So I decided not to answer anymore questions. And the lecturer starts to do the whole "No, no one knows the answer. Well the answer is xyz, obviously" thing when met with a wall of silent and mostly blank faces to his questions. I'm thinking, well, I knew the answers, but people are getting bored and fed up of me answering. Don't tar me with the same brush as them. I know, I know. It's silly and childish. But this is how some of the tutorials make me feel.

Then I was naughty. Really should have gone to clerk. It wasn't late and I hadn't clerked so far today. But I couldn't be bothered. Not really the attitude I should be adopting. Avoiding the one thing I really need to be doing this year. But screw it... there's no valid excuse. It wasn't even a full blown case of "couldn't be bothered"sies. Just decided that I was actually looking forward to my walk home. It was a nice day. Simple as that.

Shouldn't really have decided that. Should have clerked, then taken the bus home. It's just toooo dangerous for me to walk home. Walk past far too many shops that I love browsing through. Was nearly two and a half hours. It should take max 45mins. Oh well. I've decided that I want to experiment with making some Christmas decorations for my tree this year. So I stopped at the bead store and spent ages trying to decide which beads looked vaguely Christmasy. The had to ask for advice regarding what sort of thread to use. Ended up with some silver-coat copper wire, various red, green, gold and wood beads. Have no idea what to do with them. Don't know when I'll know. Don't know when I'll get round to thinking about what to do! This is why it's dangerous for me to walk home!

Learning lessions

As outlined in my first post, I thought I should be reflecting more, and trying to learn from my mistakes... trying to learn how to pass. Today was a very good episode of that. A full day at the hospital. Went on a ward round... nothing too special, but got to meet the team that I'll be working with for the next couple of days. Then there was a teaching session with one of the consultants. He was a bit of a dragon, the people who were presenting were nervous messes, you could hear how dry their mouths were, and they were visibly shook up by the experience. He was very mean. No, he wasn't actually, he was very harsh, and thorough, but he wasn't outright mean. This was learning through tough loving. It's harsh, but I was totally able to see where he was coming from. Whilst I can't honestly say that he had the best of intentions and that he had our welfare at heart (he was no angel!) but he was trying to get his point across. And the point of his point was to make us better doctors. He had lots to say, and picked people's clerkings to pieces, but when it wasn't you under fire, it was a great learning opportunity.

It was also a great reflective opportunity for me. Sometimes, when he was ruthlessly going through someone's best efforts, it highlighted to me a lot of my own short comings. Got me really thinking. At times to the point of me thinking - "I see now whilst I failed". I don't think that it was a simple as what he was saying, but I do think it was a major part of what happened. Hearing it, and reflecting on it was hard, but I think it's what I need to hear to help build me up and get me on the path to doing the right thing to pass. So here's hoping.

Then later on, we had a similar sort of session with another consultant. If anyone from UoB Med School is reading this, they prob know in an instant who it was. He's the legend of the med school, and it's easy to see why. It was supposed to be an hour and a half, but we were still going strong after two. I had just clerked, a case I thought vaguely interesting, and one that I had struggled with, so I thought it would be great to find out which directions I should have taken. We spent the entire session on this case, and I laughed as I learned. Everything was picked apart (e.g. first started with the patient's gender and age - he made list of top diagnoses, he [kinda] got it right! But spent about 10mins discussing this alone!). His version of picking apart was very different. We learnt lots and explored issues, made references to various aspects of life as a doctor, and he dolled out the advice. It was great, he's a very engaging teacher. However, I never really go the opportunity to fully explore with him what I wanted to query about my clerking.

Two very different teaching styles, both equally valid and both have their strong points. Learnt far more about passing my exams from the first guy, but that was one high stress environment. The second guy is far more approachable, packed with crazy tangents. Informative (maybe too much so) and fun... but ultimately less memorable?

All in all a packed and productive day. Definitely some ideas to take forward with me. Everyday is an improvement, and I really have to try hard to do it right this time round. Failing is not an option. It wasn't an option last year. But these things happen. There will be no third chance. This is it! I want this more than anything else. My confidence is shaken. I have to recover. I've never thought about failure before. It was not something that seriously entered my mind. Now it's always lurking in the background. I hate this. Must think forward, not back.

On a more positive note, my current project is coming along nicely. I just have one more sleeve and the edging to finish a cardigan for my friend's daughter, Rowan. RoRo is about 7 months old now. Lady in pattern shop told me that it was about a one year old size. It's huge though. I think that this will be something that Sarah puts away for a while.... oooops! I decided to do this project because I had knitted Rowan's bigger sisters some stuff over the summer that they can wear now. I feel in a way my project is a whoopsy (trying to avoid the word failure!). Don't get me wrong, I like it, and I'm happy with the outcome thus far, but it's not meeting it's purpose. Don't worry however, I have already come up with a plan to ratify this! Watch this space!

Finally, went to see Fantastic Mr Fox last night. Was utterly charmed by it. Very sweet. I haven't read the book, so I don't feel a huge outrage at the "Americanisms" and deviations for the book that other people have. Was just what I was in the mood for, light-hearted fun and cute animals. Interesting style too.

Well, that's about all folks, better get used to it, always have too much to say!

Let's give it a go!

Hi,

My name is Ashleigh van Tonder. I'm 25years old and live in Bristol, well mostly! I am a final year medical student. I'm always been told by the powers that be, that I should be more reflective, as this will make me a better doctor. And I'm thinking that if I should start being reflective at any point in time, it's this. You see, I've just started my final year of medical school, the second time over - I failed my finals last year... There are definitely things that need to be improved to ensure a more successful year.

I've been at uni now for six and a bit years. I've loved almost every moment of it, and I really try to avoid the word regret, as I believe that we are all the people we are as we have been shaped by our experiences. And saying you regret something implies a certain degree of dis-satisfaction in yourself. Having said that, I find it very very hard to say that I don't regret having failed. I think I really was ready to move on to the next stage of my life.

All in all, I think that I have handled this state of affairs relatively well. This is mainly due to the amazing support I have recieved from all of my friends. Especially my friends in Derby. Derby is my other "home" - where I spend the last couple of years at school and where my parents live. I spend far more of my time in Bristol, however, so I don't get to see my Derby friends very often, so I can't help but reflect on how accommodating they have been. They just let me slot into their lifes and let me be me. There was no pressure to disect what had happened, no questions thrust at me, just wonderful support. I just spent time with them, as they went about their day-to-day lifes.

And the most important thing I learnt from this was a very valuable one that I will try to remember and cling onto as the year ahead progesses. There is a life outside of medicine. As medical students we are constantly reminded about the fact that being a doctor is a way of life. It's incredibly demanding and everything else comes a distant second. I've been so focused on becoming a doctor for the last six years, I've often forgot that other people's lifes don't revolve round the same things mine do. Spending time with my friends and their families, seing how content and happy they are with their interpretations of living, reminds me that the world does not end when I step outside the hospital. Whilst, yes, I don't think in the slightest that I want to change what I'm doing, it really is not the be-all and end-all. Life goes on...