I feel very loved!

Just a quick note as I'm tired, and it has been a busy day of things to talk about, so I'll do that tomorrow.  I'm now back in Derby, and have had the chance to see my parents for the first time since getting my results.  I think it is an understatement to say my Dad was excited and happy to see me.  He was actually holding back the tears.  In my entire life, I think I can count the number of times I have seen my Dad cry on one hand!  He's clearly been telling anyone and everyone who will listen that his daughter is now a doctor.  And this is what was waiting for me when I got home:

I will need to take a better picture of it, in better light, but yup, he's had a plaque engraved and screwed it to my door.  And inside my room:

Balloons, banners and dozens of beautiful roses.  And a second congratulations card from my parents (having already sent me one in the post to Bristol) and again, actually written by my Dad.

It is safe to say I feel really loved and celebrated today.  It was just what I needed after a very emotionally and physically exhausting day.  I love my Daddy and am so glad to have made him so proud.

Hmmm, interesting!

Wow!  Today's exam was a curve ball!  And then some.  I do remember from last year that it was a strange exam and that what I revised wasn't neccessarily what came up.  And it was no different this year.  In fact, it was worse!  There were some questions that weren't too bad (here's hoping that there were enough of these), but there were some which were about such obscure things.  But I was relieved to find that the handful of people I spoke to afterwards agreed with me, and a couple of my friends who are also repeating also thought it was much harder this year.  So if everyone found it hard... well then, they can't fail us all, they will be forced to moderate the scores down.

Unfortunately, when I tried to explain this all to my mom, she got a bit distracted by my description of it being difficult, and ignored my laughing it off, and saying that there were okay parts.  She sounded so worried and down about me not passing.  I think it's not helped by the fact I keep on tell her how hard I've been finding it to focus on revision.  My parents have been wonderful and I'm so grateful, but sometimes, I wonder if they perhaps can't fully believe that I can pass and that I can be a doctor.  They almost seemed resigned to the worst case scenario, which...I don't know... I mean, don't get me wrong, they're really supportive and they mean well, but sometimes I want to shake them and shout and say, "I can do this!"   Yes, the exam today was hard, but I'm certainly not the only one who thought so, and there's power to that.  But I suppose I'm in a vulnerable kind of place at the moment, and probably mis-read things.

And now, there's one more exam, on Monday.  It's one that when I described it to my mom, she said it was like speed-dating.  Lots of short, practical stations, that we rotate around.  It's one of the hardest things to revise for, as it's not a purely knowledge test, it's more about practical skills.  So I'll spend the next few days going over the sorts of examinations and findings that I don't do on a regular basis, and relaxing a bit.  My flat is a tip.  And I need to do more laundry, but that'll have to wait until Sunday, otherwise the new shopkeepers will stink it out when they smoke out the back of their shop, which is incidently right outside the only window I have in my flat, and the back door.  But it's time to start thinking about life after exams, and start getting my life in order.

Derby: Breathe and reboot

Yay, home with my mummy! :)  Although admittedly I'm now home alone (unless my brother counts...) it was so nice to come home to have my mum there to give me a hug and to let myself get rid of some very built up tension.  And as always, nice not to have to cook my own food, and nice to have a proper relaxing bath, a nice comfy bed, a good night's sleep.  Yes, it was the right thing to do to come back here.

But now... lol, oh so tempted to make arrangements to see friends?  Do I dare, because there is just such a strong possiblitiy that "an hour or two" turns into half the day!  But friends are an important part of my support network... right?  Lol!  I will have to be very strong and make sure I minimise unrevision time, e.g. read stuff on bus.  mmmm.... and my mum can't moan too much, she's been busy making plans to have my grandparents and aunt round for Sunday lunch, as if that's not going to be a distraction!?

But I am feeling more ready to go and tackle the world, now I just need to go get some food in my belly and a cuppa and who knows what I could achieve!

The day before the morning after

Damn this silly limbo.  Why can't I just blackout until about 8am tomorrow, do brilliantly and then KNOW I'll be a doctor in a couple of months.  Why doesn't like just once work out like this for me?  I tired of taking the scenic route, I want something to run smoothly for a change!

I've got my usual exam-time sleep rhythm going, of staying up till nearly 2am, then sleeping in till 9 or 10.  I'm a night owl, and it works for me.  The closer it gets to the written exams, the worse it'll get, I'll be up regularly till 3 or so.  It's not an issue, and there's something strangely peaceful about those after midnight hours and I generally end up having them as my most productive hours.  And this isn't an issue, until I have exams first thing in the morning, like the 9.30 exam tomorrow.  Wow, what a weird phrase... MY exam tomorrow.  I think it's finally starting to feel real.  No more avoiding it.  Do I feel ready?  Nope!  Have I done enough?  Who knows!  I don't think that all the preparation in the world would make me feel ready.  Damn the self-doubt of having failed.

I'm still toying with the idea of going to Derby for a while.  It just seems so appealing... so who knows.  Harry is having a birthday meal next Friday, where apparently attendance is compulsory, so I'd have to be back in Bristol for that.  Which would mean I'd have a maximum of 6 days in Derby, is it worth it?  The change of scenery of being in Weston has helped, so Derby would probably do the trick, especially with my ever so well meaning parents gently nagging in their own little way!  I can't actually remember the last time my parents have actually nagged me about doing school work or revising, it was probably well before I did my GCSEs, but they are very good at subtle hints and unknowingly making me feel like I should be doing more.  And just being near some company would be nice, even if I can't really partake in it. 

Oh man, I feel so restless, and so indecisive.  This is a truely horrible feeling.  Nasty limbo feeling!

Derby Healing (Post of the day 1)

Okay, so here's the deal.  I've just checked when I last posted and it was well over a week ago.  Man, it started so well.  And for a change, it isn't actually because I've lacked things to talk about.  I agree, it's partly because I've been feeling so out of it and in a... erm, how shall I put it?  A funny mood?  But I'm determined to get myself out of it, and I know that being in Derby has gone a long way to get me started on that front.  So... anyways, the afore mentioned deal is that I'm going to attempt to put up two posts today.  The first all about Derby, and the second a quick catch up about what else has been going on.  That is, if I can remember all of Derby coherently!  It's been a while!

Thursday: a little bit of a lie in (whatelse is new!?) and then after rattling round the empty house, I decided to gate crash Sarah's.  And I walked!  (surprisingly on 32mins door to door, why did I never think to do it before?).  Just the quiet, loud, peace chaos of having little people running around.  Even if they are sleepy and are thus just perfect for long snuggly cuddles when Mummy needs the loo!:

(hehe, sorry for stealing the photo Sarah, but it's cute!!)
And then there was good food, crafting talk and doing, catching up.  And just being.  Sarah is very good at letting me do this.  Just being.  It's hard to describe.  It's nothing "special" in particular but it's perfection in stillness and unwinding (just spent ages searching for the right word, and I'm still not happy, but that will have to do!).  I don't feel the pressure to be anything but myself.  Which sounds like a stupid statement.  Do I really go through life not being myself?  No, not really.  But I'm usually a label, myself, but a particular version of it.  A medical student.  A nursing assistant.  Enthusiastic about going out.  Alone but not minding.  Crowded but not minding.  Running around.  But in these quiet moments (well, it's quiet in a different way, I mean, come on, how quiet can you be with three littles running around!?) I'm none of those labels.  And it's so good for me to stop, and be unlabelled!  And I always feel calmer and safe and more at peace from my life's stress after these times.  I'm not forced to be something, and always being something is draining.  I need a break, but I don't always realise it. 

And before I realised it, it was late.  Where had the time gone?!  And a very kind Martin drove me home.  But not before I had started to make plans for a very busy Friday.

Friday:  Met Emma and Connor at 1pm for some lunch and a wonder around some shops.  A lovely catch up and time to spend with two very dear and special people to me.  Even if the poor loves were both feeling under the weather following a nasty cold.  I can't believe how much Connor has grown.  And he's so lovely, so smilely and ready to give me his very biggest grin!  Aww, how can I resist such charm! 

Then we met up with a solo Sarah, whilst Martin took the girls to a dad's group.  Girlie day out!  Going wool shopping and wool-lusting.  Picking out colours for new projects, and in my case picking up wool for the sake of it.... well, because it was on special, and they were both yarns I have been wanting to try out... now what to do with them!?  And going to tea and cake.  Can't remember the last time we did this.  Just the three (and a bit) of us. 

And then time to tag team out friends, and meet more!  Lol!   My hot sexy SamSam (hehehe! ;) hehe!)  and Simon.  Dinner at Nandos, with sangria, then back to Sam's for more sangria, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble and Buzz.  Lots of giggles and chatting and catching up with Sam.  Trying to get me tipsy!  lol!  Until Kev came home and again it was a case of a day that flew by.  And again, a lovely beautiful day of contrasts and such a wonderful reminder of why I'm so lucky.  I have such amazing friends, who all bring out something different in me, and know so well how to keep me entertained and to cheer me up about all the recent events.

Saturday:  I had originally planned to go to dinner at Sarah's again, and have a little bit of a games night.  But I was getting the distinct impression that my parents were getting miffed about me coming home and STILL not seeing them!  So, I cancelled dinner and did the dutiful thing of staying in and relaxing with them.  Laughing with my mum in the kitchen as we washed up and got things ready for a birthday meal for my aunt.  Awww... I will miss them not being around when I go back to Derby for Easter.  It will be so strange being in their house without them.  But I'm sure I'll cope.

Sunday:  Family day of note!  Grandparents, aunt, cousin, parents.  Tasty roast.  I never get round to doing roasts for just me.  I ate so much that I never got round to having pudding, even though mums made a very tasty (looking) pavlova and a sticky toffee pudding.  I got my laptop out and showed Gran and Hayley all my knitting and displayed all my crazy new knowledge about knitting techniques, yarn characteristics and dyeing.  I think I may have lost them.  I did get to show off my newly completed scarf for Farah.  It looks so pretty and in sunlight looks much more muted than I was expecting.  I'm dead proud on my first lace knitting attempt.  I still need to block it so that the pattern shows off properly.  But it looks a little like this:

Monday:  Story time at the library with Sarah and Emma and their respective babes.  Hehe.  Playing games like "where's Morgan?  Have you seen Morgan, Daddy?  I wonder where she's got to..." and running around with Jenna.  I love so much spending time with these kids.  I think it has a lot to do with the kid philosophy of living for the moment and making life's purpose about the pursuit of fun.  And what's wrong with that?  More tea drinking and then back to Sarahs.  On the bus for me, with a angelically behaved Jenna who asked to come along.  Only a few dodgy looks when she started talking about how everyone would be thinking "That woman came into town alone, but now, what's going on?  She's got a kid with her!"  Ermm... shhhhhhhhh Jenna!  People frown upon things like that!  I honestly haven't stolen you and your parents know where you are!  And you know where you are!  Don't make the good citizens of Derby want to lynch me!

Tuesday:  Mumsie's day off.  So quality Mumsie time.  Chilling out at home watching rubbish tv movies and nipping into town and browsing round M&S.  Such a mummy thing to do!  lol!  Only spoilt by the gaggle of chav school girls who insisted that my mother had knocked a little toddler that was with them (don't know why they had a kid with them, I'm sure most of them were in uniform).  Thing was my mum hadn't even moved her chair!  And they were really quite agressive about it.  And my mum's not really the sort who handles herself well in these situations.  They really bullied her.  Annoying bunch of little such and suchs, really upset her.

Wednesday:  Special day.  I got to see my Godmother, who I've not seen in like a decade.  It was lovely to see her.  And to feel her love and her positive effect on my parents.  She's a cousin (of some sort!) of my dad and when my parents were newly wed with little kids, and my mom's parents lived in England, she was a proxy mum for my mum.  She has a very special place in our hearts.  How lovely to still be in touch with her and for her to visit. 

And then it was time to go back to Bristol.  Already put off by a day so I could see Auntie Vonnie. 

As you may have noted, I've not mentioned my audit report.  It was really pushed to the back of my mind and instead was left as a joy for Bristol. 

Derby did exactly what I wanted and needed it to do.  It healed me.  It destressed me.  After the month I had had, I needed the love and support of my friends and family close to me.  I wasn't coping very well by myself.  I was feeling so low, and on the verge of tears that never came. And so I went back to Bristol with a lighter heart and more at peace with the crash and all it's stress.  Some good will come of it (and I think it may already have) and I needed some time, support and perspective.  And I've had that now.  I feel more relaxed about it.  I still feel very sad about it all, and obviously I wish it had never happened.  But I'm finally okay with it having happened.  I'm still not back to my normal bouncy self.  I still feel a little depressed and amotivated but it's improving.  And that's what I've got to focus on.

Mmm, spent Christmas just as I needed to, but not as I expected to!

Merry Christmas everyone.  I hope that you all had lovely days with your loved ones and that you had wonderful pressies and tasty food. 

I spent most of the early hours of Christmas day in the bathroom with a lovely dose of D&V, so I unfortunately spent the vast majority of Christmas day in bed asleep.  I went downstairs for about half an hour for pressie exchanging, and then briefly to talk to my ouma and oupa in South Africa on Skype.  And that was about it.  I would have felt dreadfully unsocial if it were not for the fact that I actually slept most of the day!  And also didn't really want to give everyone else gastro as a delayed Christmas present.  I do feel slightly guilty that I didn't really feel enthusiastic at present time, I really did love my gifts, just didn't really feel energetic enough at the time to express that!

Now that I have given them all away, I can put up some pics of the Christmas presents that I have spent the last month working on (oh, and Emma's birthday present).

 

Slippers made for Morgan (red) and Jenna (pink).  They're made out of 100% wool, and Sarah has since felted them (which I was very impressed with, can't believe she found the time already!) thus they may look ginormous here, but they have shrunk alot.  I will get photos of the finished items when I can.

The quwerky present I mentioned and showed a teaser of was this - a dodecohedran, a.k.a. a twelve pointed star, with each point a different colour.  It was a great way to use up some of my odds and ends, and was very happily recieved by Emma on Connor's behalf, as were these socks, which should just about still fit:

Then carrying on the sock theme, I made Rowan a set of three colour co-ordinated but non-matching socks, which hopefully should fit:

Then to use up some of the wool left over from Rowan's aran cardigan, I made Sarah some wrist warmers (awww, bless, potential for co-ordinating mummy and daughter!).

 

 And finally, Emma's scarf.  This I actually crocheted for a change.  It was one of my favourite wools that I've used so far.  It wasn't the softest of wools, but it is 100% pure wool that has been hand spun and hand dyed in such a beautiful colour set, with plenty of green.  I love that it has such a natural feel to it (in fact spent a lot of time during making it picking out little bits of twig and straw) and the fact that it is truely a unique wool, with varying thickness and colours.

Back in Derby - yipee!

Hurrah!  I am back, safe and sound in Derby.  It's good to be back, and to know that it's a special time to spend with loved ones, be it family or friends.  I did manage to get a good solid four hours sleep this morning after my last posting.  And then really struggled to get going, bed was so cosy and lets face it, four hours sleep is not a full "nights" sleep.  Fortunately, I had managed to sleep on my break at work, and because it was fairly quiet, we had nice long breaks.  We sneaky sneaky used some of the beds in unused parts of the ward, so it was decent sleep as opposed to lying across some raggedy looking lumpy chairs in a staff room! 

I had planned to pack yesterday, but the day had somehow got away with me following all the snowy drama.  I had been organised enough this morning before sleeping to jot down a packing list, as I always forget something, so was proud of that little bit of organisation as being organised is not one of my strong points!  So in a flurry, I threw everything in a suitcase (packing not being one of my strong points either!) and was about to rush out the door when I remembered I hadn't done the dishes.  Damn!  So another delay meant all in all, I left quite a bit later than originally planned. 

The roads were lovely and clear, except the icy side road I had parked Ernie in.  I was really surprised that I completed the journey in two and a half hours, which was really good progress, as I did stop briefly for an espresso and some crisps, and the traffic being rather crazy at times and going all ridiculously slow!  And of course what would a trip on the motorway be without idiot drivers trying to do you harm?  I really wish they could hear my shouts and mutterings sometimes.  Not letting me in off the slip road when the slip road is rapidly running out is not safe driving practice.  Fortunately, it was a double laned slip road and I was able to pull over into the left lane when my lane ran out completely (luckily there was noone there at that precise moment), but could the idiot who didn't let me in not see what a dreadfully dangerous situation he was putting me in?  But stress over, I'm here in one piece and ready for the festivities.  Just had a lovely quiet evening in with my parents, catching up.  And now, although I feel relatively exhausted, my body clock is still on night shift mood and feels ready to go on staying awake through the night.  So I'm going to go lie in the darkness and hope sleep isn't too illusive!