The next round of "the day before..."

The countdown is most certainly on now.  The first written exam is tomorrow.  And it feels like it isn't really happening to me.  At this point with the long case a couple of weeks ago, I was certainly feeling it.  But now, just... numb...  Yup, I think numb sums it up best.  I feel suspended in this state of ... I don't know how to describe it.  It's strange... I just hope it ends soon, and I can get back to feeling like me.

There has been this huge danger all along, and I've really tried hard to fight it, of being complacent, I passed all the other exams last year really comfortably.  I've really been struggling against the feeling that I don't really need to work for it.  I have managed to work, but I still feel so guilty that I haven't worked as hard as I did last year.  But I had this sudden thought this evening (yup, it was something that only just struck me!), I'm not starting in the same place as I was last year.  I'm not back to the beginning, so maybe I shouldn't be beating myself up too much.  Arrrgh, it's such a difficult thing to strike a balance on.  I don't think I'll ever be able to work it so that I'm happy.  But time will tell...

Anyhows, should probably get back to some last minute cramming!  But before I do, my most recent projects.  A sweater for Connor, that was going to be for his birthday, but that seems so far away, so it'll be just because!  Just need to block it and get some buttons.  And then a little bit of spinning, finishing off the silk hankies.  I soaked it in order to set the twist, and well, it stank like crazy.  A really strong fishy odour.  It's hanging outside to dry, but I'm torn between bringing it in in case it rains, and it stinking out my flat.  I've been told that the smell should fade, and will only be noticeable when it's wet, but for now, it's 72 metres of stinkiness!

Looky what I made!

Still lots of revising, but managed to find a very quick knit for my handspun.  I'm so proud of it, and it looks amazing!

And a random little bit of other spinning, because I was going crazy without something to do.  It's some of the silk hankies I dyed over Easter.  I've got through most of it already, but have put it away, I'm not quite feeling the love as much, and I'm really struggling to get it even, which is a stress I don't really need right now!

It's back to Bristol tomorrow.  It's finally time, and it's finally starting to feel real that I have more exams coming up.  It's so tedious...

Still revising

Wow!  This really does seem like the never ending story part about 100.  So bored of this, so I won't spread the misery too much.  I've mainly been at home, barely leaving the house, beyond the odd trip into the garden and a lovely day spent in town with Emma, Chris and Connor.  It's frustrating to be missing out on such lovely weather, although to be honest, I'd probably have just ended up as a baked lobster, despite my best efforts to lather myself with sunblock!

I've finally finished my handspun that I keep mentioning.  I'm so proud of it, and have already cast on a little triangular scarf.  I just love the colours and still can't believe that I MADE that yarn!  Pictures of the scarf in progress will follow.

And that's about all I have to say for now.  I doubt I'll have much more to say over the coming days, so I'm not likely to post very much.

Revising(ish)

I think I've at long last recovered from Friday and it's build up.  It's been a harsh journey, much more so than I realised, but then the weekend came, and... well I'm glad I came home, I really needed that support.  I've been utterly exhausted, teary, headachy and just very down.  Is this what stress is?  It's not what I thought "stress" would be, but I can't think of any other explanation.  It's so surreal, and not me at all.  I knew that it was a tough build up to Friday, but I didn't think that I felt stressed.  This all sounds a little bizarre - how can I not know myself and my physical and emotional response to such pressure?  I don't know, I suppose this is the most intense period of stress in my life, and I suppose I've just not reacted/responded how I thought I would.  One thing I do know is that I'm not expressing myself very well here, and I'm just coming off as a little strange...

The weekend wasn't the most productive time, although I'm not sure if I really mind this.  I was talking to the people I was living with in Weston and they all pretty much said they would take the weekend off, so maybe I should have set off with that attitude.  Pushing myself to revise probably wasn't beneficial, but I suppose no harm was ultimately done.  I'm trying to build myself up again into a rhythm of lots of work and lots of revising.  I'm getting there... slowly.  I feel less tired today than I have in a while, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'll get a headache in the next couple of hours and just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.  But I was able to fight this yesterday courtesy of some paracetamol and a cup of tea, and just sitting in a semi-darkened room and taking it easy.

I've been spinning like mad and doing a little bit of knitting here and there as a distractor/post dinner time filler.  I've mainly been working on my blue, lilac and pink stole, it's slowly growing, although I am fast approaching the end of my first skein (at last!) and I didn't bring the other one... ooops!  And I'm about 60% through spinning the singles out of that coloured top, and I'm not sure if I want to ply on my green spindle, so the end of that project is coming soon here in Derby, as I didn't bring either of my other spindles.  Mmmm, I may have to just revise - shock horror!  Lol!  I've got lots of wool here, from the Easter dyeing, but none of my needles, so I could raid my mums... but I'd also need to think of what I wanted to do with it all!  And that all just might be too big of a distraction for now...

Derby: Breathe and reboot

Yay, home with my mummy! :)  Although admittedly I'm now home alone (unless my brother counts...) it was so nice to come home to have my mum there to give me a hug and to let myself get rid of some very built up tension.  And as always, nice not to have to cook my own food, and nice to have a proper relaxing bath, a nice comfy bed, a good night's sleep.  Yes, it was the right thing to do to come back here.

But now... lol, oh so tempted to make arrangements to see friends?  Do I dare, because there is just such a strong possiblitiy that "an hour or two" turns into half the day!  But friends are an important part of my support network... right?  Lol!  I will have to be very strong and make sure I minimise unrevision time, e.g. read stuff on bus.  mmmm.... and my mum can't moan too much, she's been busy making plans to have my grandparents and aunt round for Sunday lunch, as if that's not going to be a distraction!?

But I am feeling more ready to go and tackle the world, now I just need to go get some food in my belly and a cuppa and who knows what I could achieve!

D-Day (part 2)

And that's it.  All the heart ache and stress, and now... nothingness.  I feel so exhausted by the rollercoaster that has been the last few days, especially after an absolutely rubbish night's sleep, where I kept on waking up drenched in sweat (Yeah, I know, eeeeewww!). 

So how did it go...?  I wish I knew how to answer that.  One the whole, I don't think it was too bad, but when I sit and analyse it, there's so many shoulda, woulda, coulda aspects to it.  Will these add up?  Oh man, this waiting is awful.  I believe that I came across as relatively confident.  I don't feel like I was overwhelmed with the nerves, although, I did bumble at times.  The patient was lovely, sweet and completely coherent, which is always useful.  I had time to spare, and they asked me lots of questions, which I believe I answered honestly and hopefully adequately.  I just have to wait now... and boy I wish I didn't.

I have decided that I will return to Derby today for a while.  I need the company and support.  Being alone all the time, here in Bristol is not going to do wonders for me. Yup, at the grand old age of 26, I want my mommy!

D-Day

Eeeeek!

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, IcandothisIcandothisIcandothisIcandothis...