On being patronised

Since I failed last summer, I've had nothing but the most wonderful support from pretty much everyone.  And it's really helped me process and move on.  But something happened yesterday to change that.  And I'd like to start out saying (it doesn't bode well with a statement like that, does it?!) that I have nothing against this person.  She's quite lovely, and friendly. 

Anyhows, some background.  I've always been completely honest and open about what happened, and patiently explained it to everyone.  People mostly guess something's not quite right.  They don't recognise me from their year, and it's just easier and simpler to get it out there, explain it and get it all over and done with.  And the response is usually positive.  There's a bit of curiosity, which I had been expecting, and the odd question and seeking of advice, and then that's it.  We just get on with everything else. 

Until I came across this particular girl.  She's a bit older than me and I suppose the fact that we're getting so close to exams doesn't help, but she seems quite obsessed with the whole failing thing.  She brings it up quite a lot.  I try to just let it be, but it's starting to get to me.  She's been asking me lots of questions about things I did, and lots of questions about the exams.  Well, to be honest, they were nearly 10 months ago, and I don't really tend to think much about them a week later, let alone at this point in the day.  I can't give her a blow by blow, question by question account of things.  But she seems to be demanding (maybe demanding is the wrong word, ?seeking?) more and more from me.  And everyone knows it was my long case that I failed on.  The "revision" for this is going to clerk patients on the ward for practise and keeping a portfolio of the patients we've seen.  She was quizzing me about this earlier on in the day, about how many I'd clerked last year (about 30) and how many I've done so far this year (about 15).  Then in the evening, we were doing a group revision session, and she turned round and said to me, "but yes, what were you saying to me earlier?  You only clerked 15 patients last year, what did you expect, you must have known that wasn't enough to pass with".  I felt like I'd been slapped.  Yes, I do take some degree of responsiblity for having not passed last year.  But I don't need (incorrect) faults been flung at me in such a flippant, insensitive manner.  I quickly corrected her, but clearly in her opinion I'm some lazy mare that got what I deserved.  She's so obsessed with my failing.  I don't need to continually discuss it.  I know I failed.  I've been reminded of that fact EVERY day over the last 9 - 10 months, why the hell else am I here and doing this?  I don't need it rubbing in, I'm perfectly capable of making myself feel bad about it all.  And she's also gone on a little rant about how I totally spent too much time concentrating on revising for one of the exams and spreading my focus around appropriately.

Maybe it hurts and annoys me so much because there is SOME truth to what she's saying.  But I've analysed the whole flipping thing so many times over the last few months, I don't need to continually disect what happened with someone who I barely know.  It's done, closed chapter.  I'm not a case study in what not to do.

After having had a fairly positive day, it really put a dampner on things.  And I know I really shouldn't be so upset by other peoples opinions or attitudes towards me.  But it does just taint my confidence to have myself attacked and scrutenised so thoroughly.  I get that she's worried because she's about to go through exams, and this is a stressor for anyone.  But what do I do?  She lives in my house in Weston, and she's one of eight people doing my rotation here.  I really want to tell her to drop the subject, but I don't know if I'll really be able to do that tactfully at this point in time.  But I really don't appreciate her attitude towards this particular event in my life.  In most other aspects, she's okay.  She just needs to drop this particular bone.

Another beautiful sunset

I came back from eating my dinner to this view from my desk.  How could I not want to take photos, and desperately wish I had a better camera and the skills to match?  But my poor skills on my little old happy snappy, with my camera reflecting in the glass will have to do.

Being practically shackled to a desk may suck, but I do like my view. :)  Night night!

Hayfever season is here!

I'm sitting here really really hoping that my dry scratchy throat that has been festering all day is blasted hayfever and not the start of a cold.  This time of year, I never can tell, I have to let time and the development or not of other cold symptoms answer my ponderings.  I think it is hayfever, despite me talking my tablets for most days of the last week or so.  And my eyes are giving me hassles too.  All in favor of hayfever, just normally can control it with tablets.  Am using a different brand, but it's the same dose of the same active ingredient that I've used every summer for the last four or five years.  But ooooh well...

As promised, I remembered my camera today when I went on a walk.  This walk is probably to blame for the hayfever, but it was such a glorious day and I really couldn't resist.  And I wasn't concentrating very well, so getting some exercise (even if just a gentle walk around the village and up the hill) is always beneficial.

The Plantation is decidedly yellow.  Partly with the end of the daffodils, but mainly with flowers, which although impressive, I can't name.  There are some dandilions, cowslips (mostly still only buds) and maybe some buttercups, but mostly stuff which my meagre knowledge of Bristish plants just can't identify.  But who cares, it's still very pretty!

Dandilions and a clump of unknown little yellow flowers (not greatest picture)

Bluebell stalks hinting at things to come

Clowslips also giving hints

Up on The Hill, where there are minimal flowers for most of it, a couple of butterflies decided to flirt around me, tempting me, but making it very hard to take photos.  This was as about as good as it got:

And I found the bit of The Hill that actually is blanketed in flowers.  It's a bit more of a sheltered area, so I think things have more of a chance of making it.  The Hill is on the whole very exposed and very windy!

I initially thought that these were buttercups, but I think the petals are too pointy.  So I don't know what they are, but it's again very pretty and that's what counts!

And here I sit, back in my room, chewing gum in the hope that it soothes my dry throat (mininal benefit!) and taking a break from the books.  Am finding it so strange to be revising again, and going over the stuff I did last year, but I'm so very glad I made such good notes last year, I'm really finding them very good and useful, and there's only the odd word here and there that I can read - maybe I have a doctor's handwriting after all!

And so the sun sets on another day in Ashleigh-land

Literally!

 My room here in Weston get the most amazing full afternoon sunshine!  It's annoyingly bright, and I spend my afternoons with the curtains nearly completely closed, and then still struggling to see the contents of my computer screen!  But then, come early evening, I get treated to things like this.  A glorious setting fire orb!  Very beautiful, with ribbons of cloud dissecting it.  And now, just a faint memory as darkness starts to chase the light away.  I love the lengthening days.

I went via my bluebell field on the way to get milk this morning.  It is showing signs of promise, lots of stalks poking out of the grass, laiden with blue buds, but not really open yet.  I'm so glad, I was worried I would have missed it over the Easter break in Derby.  I'll try remember my camera on my next walk and keep a little bit of a progress diary, to brighten my otherwise dreary life!

I had some positive news today in the form of some very positive feedback on the audit I did back in Feb/March.  It wasn't from the person who marked it,  but from the person who I worked closed with.  She also gave me some followup news of the actions that have been taken as a result of the findings of my audit - how amazing is it that something I did is actually affecting patient care.  I'm so proud that I have made a difference, and to use the buzz words "improved their standard of care in keeping with evidence based medicine best practise guidance", even if it is just to a handful of people.

Even better news, Rowan is out of hospital and home.  Yay!

And so back to the books.  Am currently trying to work out a bit of a revision timetable/action plan.  What fun!

Heading back to business

Easter break is well and truly over.  And above all, it has been a break.  I’ve not rushed myself, worked myself, pressured myself.  I’ve just relaxed.  One could perhaps argue that this was the last thing I need to do, with exams getting so close, and heaven forbid my mother ever finds out how little revision I’ve done.  But I disagree… or perhaps I’m fighting to justify my actions.  After the last few months that I’ve had, probably going right back to last summer, I’ve been stressed and quite down at times.  And I don’t believe that that’s the most productive frame of mind for me.  I need to unwind, and just be.  I feel completely refreshed, and so ready to hit the road running and really just get on with life and answer all the demands that my particular path has thrown at me.  I really do feel at ease and replenished, and what better way to enter the stress that will be the next few months.  And boy, are they going to be busy!  There’s so many dates that I have to aim to, but I suppose the main one is August 4.  That is the “Official” start date of working, although I will have had about a week and a half of induction at the hospital for which I will be paid for… so arguably, I’ll be working before then… but that is the date to keep in mind.  But before that, there is revising, normal uni commitments, exams, graduation, summer, relaxing, moving and no doubt just a wee bit of knitting!

I suppose today is the first day that I’ve really given the next few weeks serious thought.  I KNEW that I have exams coming up, but they’ve all been a little distant.  But now, as I say goodbye to all the loved ones in Derby, knowing that I won’t be back until after everything has been done, it’s starting to feel real.  And I’ve had my first taste of “the fear”.  This is the thing that focuses me and makes me revise.  I’ve been waiting for it for ages.  I never really can focus or be productive without it.  I’m a last minute person, and most people I know got it ages ago.  But I’m glad I’ve got it now.  It’s the proverbial kick up the backside that demands action.  And rather than it being a negative experience, I feel exhilarated by it.  So very alive.  I love this feeling.  And I know that this in part stems from being in a relaxed, positive frame of mind.  I know I can do it!

I’m sitting on a coach typing this (obviously not online).  They must be doing works or repairs on the rail line somewhere.  So my usually direct, 2hr 10min train journey is now a 3hr 10min train-coach-train affair.  I’m back on my old haunt, the M5.  So weird to be a passenger.  So used to nipping down this road in my car.  It’s so familiar, but not.  And how bad is it that as I’m travelling along, gazing out at the fields, seeing the sheep and their lambs everywhere, I can’t help but want to rush up to them and run my hands threw their fleeces and well… steal it to knit with.  Like I even need anymore wool!  Lol, yes I know, you’re probably thinking “and you think that that’s all that’s wrong with that!!”.  Yes, I admit, I’m a nutter and wool/yarn obsessed. I’ll just have to make do with the thought that my YarnAddict sock club yarn should be waiting for me when I get in, eventually!

And finally, special thoughts for a special and very dear to me family.  Sarah and co, I’m thinking of you and hope that Rowan gets better in time for her birthday.  I’m so glad I got a chance to visit you in hospital this time round, I felt so helpless, useless and far away before, so I’m glad I could offer my support, even if it was just a bit of company for a couple of hours.  And on a more positive note, thanks for making this last week and a bit so special, fun and productive.  I’ve loved every moment, and as always, I could never thank you or repay you enough for what you have done (and continue to do) for me over the last year.  So big love, hugs and kisses will have to make do for now, and my warmest thoughts and prayers.

Colourful days, mucky hands and a guilty conscience!

Yup, that title pretty much sums up my Easter break.  Lol!  I've had a fantastic time, so far.  Even the delights of public transport on a holiday weekend (think sardine can) could dull my spirits.

My folks are away on holiday (gone to South Africa to visit family), so I've had very little reason to stay in at home... well... besides revision, which I really should be doing!  As a result, I've pratically lived at Sarah's house (ohhh, you bad bad bad enabler) thanks to her generosity and open house policy.  I've had lots of time to catch up with friends, have baby cuddles, play with the kids, eat good food, have a thoughtful Passover celebration and play, yarnie style!

Connor has been growing like crazy.  I can't believe he's already starting to experience the delights of eating food.  He has got the most gorgeous big grin of a smile and is so quick to laugh and charm whoever catches his eye.  He's absolutely lovely!

And Chris proving to me why I don't get people to pose - they pull faces!  Lol!

And this little toddler, who is soooooo not up to any mischief!

Morgi being typically opinionated!

Jenna polishing off the olives!  Mmmm, tasty food!  Thanks to Sarah who's feed me almost everyday this week!

Including very tasty choc chestnut torte, which the baby found too irrisistable!  Even if that meant having to lick the plates left within arms reach.  Yum!

And the joys of happy laughter filling the days with just the simple things of a hideout created by the tablecloth from dinner.

And on to adult games.  Following the amazing time I had on my hand dye workshop, I decided it was something I just had to do again, especially if I could use it as an opportunity to share the fun and excitement.  So Sarah and I got planning and set about getting ready to play.  And apparently I can't say no!  We ended up with the most ginormous pile of wool to experiement with (approx 4kgs), and a whole host of colours (I think a total of 11!).

 Piles of yarn and wool fibres

Starting the epic pre-soaking

We decided since we had so much to play around with, we would experiment with loads of different techniques.  So we:

Painted

 Steamed

 And used a pot for immersion type techniques

We also used it as an opportunity to try out some other things that I haven't attempted before with dying, namely, playsilks (clearly, not for me, but I did get to paint one which is for Emma and Connor) and "raw" wool fibres, which are going to be for me to learn how to felt.  And I also got a couple of sock blanks to play around with and hopefully eventually get some socks with some pretty cool effects - stripes and a green of varying depths of tone, hopefully should work out as light at the cuff, getting darker down the leg and onto the foot.  We'll see...

Sarah making her massive rainbow play silk.  It looks very impressive (I'll have to get a picture of it at some point!)

The playsilk I made for Emma, all wet and clinging to itself.  I was actually quite proud of it especially as I thought I had screwed it up a little when I was painting it.

(The baby didn't want to get out of the shot!! There was too much pretty wool to play with!)

Most of the haul from Day 1 of dying.  Most of this here is for Sarah or Emma.  The purple and red (bottom), massive rainbow hank (under the yellow and purple in the middle) and the earthy rainbow (near middle next to yellow and purple) are mine.  The two rainbow ones were done in a similar way, but gave very different effects!

We eventually had to do a second day of dying as there was so much yarn!  (Apparently I have issues with self control when it comes to ordering yarn online!)  The products of this day are still at Sarah's drying, but once they're all dry, I will catalogue them all and show them off in all their full glory.  I can't wait to see them in their final forms, all dry and in proper light to see what I got in the end!  And I can't wait until I get an opportunity to create things with them.  Can't wait at all!

And in terms of other non-dying events, I've spent some time with Sam, who came to dye day 1, and later had me round to a very tasty Indian diner and a bit of a games night.  Appparently I'm a dreadful gambler (in that I loose money very quickly!) and a movie buff  (well when teamed up with Sam!).  I had a bit of an upset tummy over the weekend, but it turned out to only be a 24 hour type thing, so I spent most of the day half heartedly watching tv or asleep in front of it, before bouncing back to be in the swing of it in time to dye and eat out some more.

"And the guilty conscience?" I hear you ask.  Well, that would be down to the shockingly small amount of revision that I've done.  Especially compared to Easter last year.  I'm just finding it very hard to focus and find the motivation, and there's been so many other more exciting things to do.  I know I'll get there eventually, but it's so hard.... No I don't think "hard" is the right word.  But it's just so.... blah.  Anyhows... enough blogging. 

Projects started, interupted, completed, given, loved

This post is a little of a crafting catch up.  Because I like to show off my wears!  Lol, and they give me so much joy to share.

1)  Finally got round to blocking Farrah's scarf and sewing in the tails.  Now, I just have to get round to seeing her and give it too her.  I'm so proud of it.  The first lace project I've done, hence the less than expert blocking, and the first project I've done with my handdye from the workshop I went to at Get Knitted.

Close up detail:

Finished the cardigan for Rowan's birthday next week.  Although, still have a couple of buttons to sew on and the last couple of tails to sew in.  I'm really happy with it, despite the dramas of running out of yarn.  Fortunately, was able to locate one ball as a swap on Ravelry and then ordered the other colour off Ebay and was amazed to find it was the same dyelot (score!).  But it did mean that I was stalled for a while, so there was time to do other things.

This is where I was when I ran out of yarn.

And this was it with knitting finished, sewn up and just the sleeve crochet edging and button sewing on still to do.  Very happy with it, although I don't think I picked up the crochet edging quite right as in places, it doesn't lie completely flat anymore.

So whilst waiting for more yarn to arrive, I started up on some socks with the yarn that I was sent by Mara.  I chose a pattern called "Snicket" which was a little fiddly to start with, then I did away with the cable needle.  Really happy with the results which I finished a couple of days ago.  They're warm and toasty!

And then to deal with second sock syndrome, I took a break in between the two to make my SamSam a hat and scarf combo.  Unfortunately, the yarn didn't stretch that far, so the scarf was converted into a neck warmer/cowl type thing.  Forgot to get a pic of the hat before I gave it to Sam, but did manage to remember to get a photo of Sam wearing the cowl:

The hat was a second attempt.  The first one I didn't really like and I don't think it suited the wool right.  But oooh, look at my pretty dpns.

In amongst all these interupted works in progress, my flat started to somewhat fill up with all things knitting!

And finally, making a start on a new project.  Making a shawl (or at least that's what the pattern reckons it will be!!).  I'm using a beautiful 100% BFL sock yarn in gorgeous gentle pastels.  No idea who it'll be for, but it's a nice simple quick(ish) pattern, so I should get it done with minimal effort, making it a great project for doing for a few minutes here and there in between revising.

Ahhh, loving my knitting and playing with all the pretty yarns and the challenge of making wonderful things and then spreading the love!  It's so rewarding.  And now have new things piling up to do.  But more about that later!