The future of this blog...

Someone asked me recently what was going to happen with this blog of mine.  And to answer truthfully, I haven't decided yet.  I really enjoyed recording and sharing my life over the last year(ish), so I'd like to continue that.  However, when I'm working 50 hour weeks (despite those silly EU directives) will I have the energy?  The answer is most likely to be no, and most certainly not with the frequency that I have been doing so (last month aside!).  And the other issue is the fact that much of what happens in those 50hours will be things I can't discuss because of confidentiality, regardless of how much I need or want to vent, I just won't be able to without it becoming a slippery slope of saying too much.  And then, those few hours I have outside of work, I'm sure I'll be enjoying them, and living life, but they might not necessarily give an accurate portrayal of me and who I am, being so leisure heavy.  I loved sharing my crafting, but I am more than just that.  And I don't want to do a blog that's about just one aspect of my life, because that was never the purpose of me doing thi.

And then there's the simple aspect of the title of this blog.  No longer a medical student.  So at the very least it's inaccurate, and part of me wonders if I should make a clean break and just start a new one for this new chapter of my life.  Or maybe just change the title of this blog, and continue the book of my life,

I suppose ultimately whatever happens will happen organically.  There's just not much point in trying to plan it too meticulously.  Suffice it to say that life is so very exciting at the moment, and I'm in a very positive place and there's so much to say.  I feel very alive, and the stress and heart break of this past year has been worth it.  And now I have a beautiful, and sometimes bittersweet, reminder of it all in the form of the posts that have accumulated.

So I open it up to anyone out there who cares to share their opinions. 

I feel very loved!

Just a quick note as I'm tired, and it has been a busy day of things to talk about, so I'll do that tomorrow.  I'm now back in Derby, and have had the chance to see my parents for the first time since getting my results.  I think it is an understatement to say my Dad was excited and happy to see me.  He was actually holding back the tears.  In my entire life, I think I can count the number of times I have seen my Dad cry on one hand!  He's clearly been telling anyone and everyone who will listen that his daughter is now a doctor.  And this is what was waiting for me when I got home:

I will need to take a better picture of it, in better light, but yup, he's had a plaque engraved and screwed it to my door.  And inside my room:

Balloons, banners and dozens of beautiful roses.  And a second congratulations card from my parents (having already sent me one in the post to Bristol) and again, actually written by my Dad.

It is safe to say I feel really loved and celebrated today.  It was just what I needed after a very emotionally and physically exhausting day.  I love my Daddy and am so glad to have made him so proud.

Mixed emotions

I feel so conflicted.  I'm so excited about the adventures that lie ahead for me, but at the same time, so sad about what I leave behind.  Bristol is home.  My Mom may hate it when I say that, but Bristol is home.  And it's been my home for nearly seven years.  It has given me life, hope, fun, tears, laughter, excitment, development.  It's the place where I came of age, and came into myself after a difficult four years in Derby.  I was so unhappy in Derby, especially when compared to how I have been in Bristol.  I got my life back here.  It was the best place in the world for me.  I've met amazing people, worked here, played here, studied here.  Everything.  I love it here.  And I really wish I wasn't leaving. 

I've been telling people that I'm in a suspended state.  Nothing feels real.  But now that I'm packing, I can't avoid the reality anymore.  I am leaving.  I'm saying goodbye to my friends and all the inanimate objects that I hold so dear - the places, the shops, the views.

I know I'm leaving for new adventures, via a recharge of the batteries in Derby.  I'm so excited about that, with some to-be-expected nerves.  It's a dream come true, and one that wouldn't have true without my beloved city.  I'm trying not to leave with a heavy heart.  But it's hard.  And there's still so much unknown ahead.  And that's a bit scary, if I'm being honest.  What will life in Yeovil be like?  What will life as a doctor be like?  It's something I've desired for so long, but I don't think anything can prepare me for the actual life of a doctor.  And I'm sitting here alone in my now mostly packed up flat, with all these thoughts running through my head.  And I really wish there was something to distract me from it all.  But there's nothing.  I can't avoid the boxes, or the fact that the removals man is coming at 10:30am tomorrow, and I've run out of boxes, as well as the motivation to squeeze things into the little space I have left in my boxes.  Tomorrow is going to be an early start, I'm going to rush out and get more boxes, and some breakfast that I can eat without cutlery or plates!

I suppose I better get on with it, if nothing else,  I need to head to bed and get some sleep in prep for another busy day.  My last full day as a Bristol resident.  I wish I had the opportunity to do it justice... but at least I had a chance to do some of that stuff at the weekend with the Clarks.

Catching up (aka. procrastinating)

I'm supposed to be packing.  I hate packing.  And I'm bunged up thanks to the tail end of a mild cold from the weekend.  My ear is popping like mad and I feel not quite of this planet... somewhat floating.  It's hard to concentrate on anything serious.  Just wanna sleep and veg.... but oh well.  I decided I'd make a start on a catch up post.  My poor little flat has been so deliciously crowded and noisy over the last couple of weeks.  Such a change from just me wondering round.  It's also a bit of a tip, because it's a tad bit packed, laundry everywhere (I want everything to be clean and fresh before it goes into storage), knitting/fibre everywhere, new books (on sock knitting, natural dyeing and spinning), I've been to lazy to doing the dishes (made a start this morning, they're drying naturally before I do the second batch).  Yup, it's a mess and chaotic, and right now I really just couldn't be bothered, with any of it.  I just want to sit here and ignore it all.  But soon time will pressure me into it all.  I have a provisional leaving day of Thursday, so I REALLY need to get a move on!... but not now.  Let me share the last few days.

I've mentioned the important things.  Yes, I am now a doctor.  Apparently.  It's a strange anticlimax.  It was this stressful build up and to be honest, I don't really feel any different.  I *know* that things are about to change, and I seem to be getting on with the planning, but it doesn't really feel like it's actually happening.  I think that when I start the job, this might be different.  But for now it's this surreal daze of "okay... now what?"  Maybe part of this is to do with the fact that I have so many distractions.

The Clarks arrived on Wednesday, after my morning nap to get over the night shifts.  My tiny one bed flat was very quickly childed!  My teddies were claimed, corners explored and things got into that I thought were suitably out of reach or at least temptation way.  After their long journey and my mucked up body clock, we mainly settled for a lazy afternoon at home.  As it was starting to cool down, we headed to the park, to burn off energy, to get some fresh air and to have a little picnic the the beautiful weather.

Unfortunately, our trip to the park was marred by Morgan falling over.  Sarah decided it was best to get her checked out as she fell onto a rusty nail and there's always a worry of tetanus with things like that.  Fortunately she was fine.  And made it back for a rather late night of cramming on my little sofa and having cuddles.

On Thursday, we went to the Suspension Bridge and the camera obscura.  I love the camera, it's such old, simple technology, but so effective.  Unfortunately, I forgot my camera, so no photos.  After we got back, there was the tense wait for the results email.  Then celebrating, swimming, more friends round for champagne and fun.

My Bristol friends on the whole don't spend much time around little people, but they were all so gentle and sweet with the kids.  I really couldn't ask for more amazing friends with which to spend such a special day.

Friday was another very long busy day.  Since I am now officially leaving Bristol, I thought I should try do some of the things that I've been meaning to do for the last seven years, but never quite got round to.  SO we caught a ferry, went to @Bristol and the aquarium.  @Bristol was amazing, so much fun, and so interactive.  And the planetarium was awesome!

 Exploring a veggie bed whilst waiting in Castle Park for the ferry

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We rushed round the aquarium at breakneck speed so we could see the imax 3D screening, which rocked!  And then we attempted to go around again but didn't really go much slower.  We did manage to catch up with one of the feeding times which was really well done.  The girl who did it was really informative and told us lots of things about the various fish and turtles in that tank.

Afterwards, we descending on the fountains in the square outside the museums to cool down, relax and have ice creams in the late afternoon sunshine.

Paddy very kindly invited us round for dinner, and let the girls play on his wii, the baby had fun climbing into the washing machine and waving at people walking past down below from the balcony.

Saturday was a lazy, more self-indulgent day.  After all the long days and late nights, and my cold rearing it's ugly head, I think us grown ups were feeling less and less motivated.  Sarah and I abandoned small people with daddy and headed to Get Knitted to indulge ourselves in all things yarnie.  And we totally didn't buy over 20 balls of on sale Sublime...

Sunday was a slow day at home, with a roast dinner before my visitors headed home.  And now it's back to the quite of my flat and the hassle of packing.  But before I do... some of the new pretty colours and toys in my life:

My absolutely beautiful new spindle from Wildcraft.

And I think it is officially the first time my Dad has actually written me a card.  That sort of thing is usually left to my mom to sort out.

Now really must get on with some somethingness.

On being a medical student no longer

I think I need to find a new title for my blog! The current one now seems a little redundant! Yup, I am no longer a medical student but something completely different and nw, yet at the same time something that gas been longed for and wanted for so long now. It is well over 10 years now since I officially, definitely decided I wanted to be a doctor. And everything in my life has been leading up to this ever since that 15 year sat in front of ER and said, "that's what I want to do with my life". This I kept to myself at first, carefully plotting and considering. This is something I have never taken lightly. I did ponder long and hard, and walking around it would be all I'd think of. Inmentally composed a pros and cons list. I weighed this up. I thought some more. What would I need to do? What would I need to achieve to get this that I wanted so badly? It was a difficult time in my life. I'm sure those who knew me at the time would testify to the fact that I wasn't always the easiest person to be around. I was a depressed girl whose world had been turned upside down by having to move half a world a way from everything I knew. I was confused and uncertain of myself. But once that decision had been made, I had purpose and drive. A reason to live. There had to be something out there, greater than the world I found myself in. Deciding to become a doctor was my life and my whole world after that. And now... Mission acomplished. And what a ride it has been. The things I've learnt and experienced along the way, how i've grown! Now what... Next stop Yeovil and actually doing the job! How exciting!

Today was a busy day. Besides results, we kept ourselves on he go. We had a really lazy start to the day. After a late night last night following Morgan's trip to the hospital (she fell on a dirty rusty nail in the park, so Sarah was concerned about tetenus risk). We brought breakfast on the go, went to the post office, picked up a parcel (most beautiful spindle you ever did see and some utterly gorgeous fibre) went to the toy shop, went to the camera obscura in Clifton which was amazing, trekked home, got the good news, went swimming, had pizza for dinner, had some friends over for champagne and celebrating, my two world colliding, Bristol and Derby friends, in a happy coherent place, full of love, laughter and games. I could not ask for better friends and I'm so glad to have had . And now, we're once again exhausted. I will sit down at some point and do a proper blog about it all. But for now, my lids are heavy and we have another very busy day planned! Yay!

ETA:  my iPhone didn't want to play last night, so this is a delayed posting!  Ooops!

I can't sleep!

Thank goodness for iPhones, huh? I'm utterly unable to sleep and because I've got a housefull of visitors, all snuggly, cozily squished in, I can't get to my laptop. I can't just get up and switch lights on and sit and knit...or spin. I have a real craving to do some spinning right now. The slow rhythmic nature or getting that spindle going and gently drafting out some gorgeous fibre... Yup, a right old craving. Not that I'm complaining in the slightest, I'm loving my housefull and the crazy, but loving chaos. And I'm so glad to have company... But it's officially now results day... And a year since... Well a year since my life officially fell apart. Will this year be any different? I know it's completely irrational, but I'm actually expecting the worst. This year has turned me into such a selfdoubter that I can't even visualise passing. It's just too wierd a concept. 4pm... What will you hold for me?

So that's why I can't sleep right now. My stomach's churning, nausea never far away. I had managed to forget about today for a while with my visitors here, but as we were saying good night, we talked about our plans for today... And besides wanting to pick up my new spindle that is currently being held hostage by royal mail, my thoughts finally returned to what today is. And now I can't stop thinking about it.

And I suppose the other factor here for my restlessness is the fact that I've just done 4 night shifts, so my body clock is a little skewed, but still this is redicilous, and there's so much we have planned for the next few days, I just hope I'm not going to be a zombie through it. So, Clark family, I apologise now if I am. But I'm so grateful that you are here, hopefully to share in my good news and for your distractions and love. I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Busy Week

Yup, it's been a wee while since I posted.  This was due to two reasons, nope, three reasons.  First. I was enjoying life with no exams, no stresses and nothing to pour effort into.  I wondered round aimlessly, did lots of knitting, making stuff for a friend I just found out was pregnant.  And my first ever commissioned piece - a blanket in red, yellow and orange.  I was just enjoying me time, and not having stresses and just being.

Secondly, I did some shifts at work.  I've more or less gone through my insurance money.  It was good in that it gave me a chance to not work whilst I was getting ready for finals, and this was important.  It just meant that I had halved the income coming in, so it's now more or less gone.  So need some money for stuff over the summer, like paying a couple of bills, paying for storage, paying for yarn to play with (yay, planning on doing some more dyeing!  and spinning and well... all that stuff), paying for some new work clothes, and yup, basically need some money coming in so I can survive until that first pay cheque. 

And third reason was I had visitors!  Emma, Chris and Connor trekked down to Bristol on the train.  And I had a wonderful excuse to show off Bristol.  My camera was unfortunately out of battery and I can't for the life of me think of where the charger was!  So limited photos because like the dope I am, I forgot that I actually have a camera on my phone!  So there are only a couple of pics:

Connor was fascinated by the washing machine, and spent ages chatting to it was it whired and spun and did it's thing.  It's scary how big this gorgeous little boy has got.  My flat probably wasn't quite as baby-proof as needed for this very mobile fella! 

We went to see the suspension bridge and wondered round Clifton, wondered round the shops on Gloucester Road (how I'm going to miss this road!), and even got round to trekking to Weston on the bus to go to the beach, which was wonderful.  Connor found it an exciting place to be and apparently sand is quite tasty!  We had lots of meals outside, and trips to the parks.  It was lovely.  And we were truely blessed with fantastic weather, right up until we went to catch the bus to get them to their train home, when the skys opened and poured.  This, along with diversions through the city, meant that the traffic was crazy and we ended up not quite making it, despite having given ourselves extra time.  What was more frustrating was that it was by seconds, Chris literally was able to touch the train, and push the door open button, but we were too late.  But they did manage to get another one half an hour later, and got home safely.  Thanks for a lovely few days guys!

And now, it's back to work for a few more days, and then the Clarks visit and then packing.  It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks, but at least I'll be busy!